Shunter

In the drink bourbon and branch water, what is branch water? It cant be tree sap, so just curious.

29 have been accused of spouse abuse.

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad cheques

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two companies

3 have done time for assault

71 can't get a credit card due to bad credit

4 have been arrested on drugs related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink-driving in the last year.

Which organisation is this? It's theHouse of Commons, the British Parliament. The same people who churn out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Makes you proud doesn't it?

In the latest edition of the Oxford English Dictionary, the word 'awesome' has been removed. That's knackered the Yanks, They won;t have anything to say now.

My wife has started hinting at having a threesome (with another woman). I'm not sure if she's serious or not. If she is, I'm not sure if I could go through with it or not.

It starts and runs fine, however, after a few miles as I come to a stop or the engine revs reach idle speed, the engine just dies. It isn't a stall on my part, it just dies. The engine will start again Ok. I don't think it's an electrical fault. I'm sure it must be a fuel problem but I'm buggered if I can think what. Any ideas?

Because they 'fit' food into pots and 'turn' it into s**t.

On the morning of the great day, Sister Mary said to Sister Ann that it would probably be a good idea to travel in civilian clothes. As some passengers could be nervous, seeing nuns in holy orders could be a little disquietning for them. Both nuns therefore doned summer dresses and sandels. Having packed their cases and loaded the car, they set off or the airport. Along the way, they were stopped by a red light. Standing at the junction were a group of obviously drunk teenagers. On seeing the two women in the car, one of them shouted out, 'Oy! Bi*ch! Show us your t*ts!' Sister Ann, who was driving said to Sister Mary, 'They don't realise that we're nuns. Open your window and show them your cross'. Sister mary wound done the window, leaned out and shouted 'Fu*k off you little wan*er'

comes down with his fishing tackle. Out he goes and returns as the sun is coming up. 'Odd', thinks the hotel porter and forgets it. The following night, after dinner, the man goes out again with his fishing tackle and is gone all night. This happens every night for a week. Finally, the porter can not keep his silence any longer. That night, as the man is going out, the porter calls him over. 'Excuse me mate', he says, 'but you're on your honeymoon. You're supposed to up there, in bed with your new wife, banging away like it's going out of fashion'. 'Can't do that', says the man, 'she's got gonorrhoea'. 'Oh, bloody hell', says the porter, 'how about sticking it up her rear end then?' 'Can't do that', says the man, 'she's got diarrhea'. 'Oh bloody hell', says the porter, 'well how about sticking it in her mouth then?' 'Can't do that, she's got pyorrhea', says the man. 'Why the hell did you marry her then?' asks the porter. 'Great source of maggots mate' says the man.

What's the last thing to go through a bugs mind as it hit your windshield?

It's a**ehole.

was shopping in a well known supermarket and had her 5yr old daughter with her. After about 20mins, the girl said 'Mummy, can I have a sweetie?'. 'Later', was the reply. After a further 10mins, the girl asked the same question. 'I said later', replied the Mum. This went on until they were in the check-out queue. 'Mummy, I want a sweetie now', said the girl. 'For being so rude, you're not getting anything', said the Mum. 'If I don't get a sweetie' said the girl, 'I'm going to tell that lady (pointing to the cashier) that I saw you kissing Daddy's willy last night'. Everybody stopped and stared, the shopping trolly went one way and red as a beetroot, the Mum and girl flew out of the supermarket.

If you made love every day for a year and at the end you melted all the condoms you'd used to make a tyre, what would you have?

A f**king goodyear