michellewentworth1983

"punish him", but will yell at him. I swear he thinks it funny. Any humane suggestions on getting him to stop : )

Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last ear...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

THE WEDDING TEST

>

> I was a very happy person. My wonderful

> girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and

>so we decided to get married.

> There was only one little thing bothering me...It was

>her beautiful younger sister.

>

> My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two,

> wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was

> bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was

>near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

> It had to be deliberate because she never did it when

>she was near anyone else.

> One day her "little" sister called and asked me to

>come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I

>arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires

>for me that

> she couldn't overcome. She told me that she

> wanted me just once before I got married and

>committed my life to her sister.

>

> Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a

> word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and

>if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

>

> I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched

> her go up the stairs.I stood there for a moment, then

>turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the

>door, and headed

> straight towards my car.

>

> Lo and behold, my entire future family was

> standing outside all clapping! With tears in his

>eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that

>you have passed our little test.

> We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.

> Welcome to the family!"

>

> And the moral of this story is: Always keep your

> condoms in your car.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and

decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from

his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking

up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40

blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the

cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further

and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to

drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge,

then right again and another right until he reached what he

thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife:

"Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son

of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

10 points for the funniest one.

I know a lot of people have these, but i love the answers from you guys.

I work in a roofing business

Who else thinks the simpon's are the best animated television show they thought of? Think about how long they have been on and are still making new shows!

who are the people giving these little kids guns? There are junior high and younger kids with them.