Tsangpo

I am 35 and have been single all my life. I have never been in a relationship. I grew up in a family that deals with an emotional crisis day after day. My mom and dad always bicker and my mother is mentally ill. My father suffered irreversible damage to his health due to failures and disappointment that his marriage turned out to be. My uncle is mentally retarded and my aunts have suffered through loveless marriages. My brother does not even care if I exist. Long story short, am actually just surviving a family more than the desire to be a part of it.

I am not sure whether these are the influences that have left me with no hope and no faith in life that anything could be for the better. Being around such negativity drives me to a corner of life - where there is just emptiness and nothing much in terms of expectations. Being responsible for a family that is thoroughly dependent has taken a toll on my career as well - I am rather not where anyone would expect themselves to be after the duration I have served in the Industry that I am in. I have never been in a relationship or have been in love with anyone even as a one-sided affair. I am not sure that even after seeing such emotional trauma it would really be possible to have a normal relationship with a normal partner and lead a normal life. Whenever I sense that I could possibly be in love I begin to panic that I could potentially deprive that someone of a good companion and fear being committed because internally I feel I am not completely prepared and emotionally ready for a relationship.

I feel this real emptiness and wretchedness of life that getting past each day becomes an effort.

Is there a possibility that a person like me with an unhappy childhood and even tiring adulthood be successful in having a relationship and sustaining it.?

I request you to please answer my question without being judgmental and emotional - rather rationally.

I have been employed in supposedly one of the decent firms in the IT industry. I believe in the norms that westerners do - professionalism, ethical behavior, treating people with kindness and respect, rather than threatening work out of people - bringing them into confidence and setting an example for them to follow. I believe in the old adage values that if one is hardworking, committed and dedicated - one can achieve heights or at least receive things that are generally desired by those who work - like travelling to places and meeting new cultures, and better responsibilities.

In India though thinks work in the contrary - it is not quite about the work that you do, but the way you project it. It is not really about the commitment you show, but the manipulation that you can do by showing others in bad light. It is not really about the dedication you have, it is also about how much disgrace you can bring about in someone's work and creating a view that they are incompetent. I have spent almost 10+ years in this industry and I know not any other experiences or skills otherwise. I am not sure whether for a person like me who is honest and upfront, I would be able to survive in an industry that it is extremely fickle and politics sets the ground rules.

I believe in creating a value system - I don't take credit for other people's work, I have always stood for and protected my team, I have fought to get credits for people that worked for me and I have been fair in evaluating them. I am not that great in certain aspects of my work but am good in the rest of what I do. I communicate well and I articulate the state of a project and present it to all audiences.

To my knowledge to survive in any job / industry is not rocket science. But I am not sure what is key for survival. I do not desire for great positions or to climb up the ladder where no one has headed before. I am in this not to win this - I am in this for the financial dependencies I have with respect to this. Best that I can put up with this is for a few more years - but am already worn out.

One thing about me is that I am very impulsive and act on instinct. I am angered very easily and when angered I get very emotional. And another thing about me is that I avoid confrontations - they usually end up in loud arguments - so I prefer writing it in a mail which also ends up messing with me even further because people now have a written note of what state I am and what I think. I am brutally honest and upfront as well - as much as I admit faults of mine I also point out the faults in my management which does not seem to be taken with the same professionalism that I approach with when I am given feedback.

Is there any better way of dealing with PEOPLE because more than technology or business specifics - people seem to be even more threatening and difficult to understand as to what is the best way some can be dealt with.

I don't have a personal life - as in I have never been in a relationship and I guess I expect way too much for my profession to fill in for. I expect my profession to provide for the love and the recognition that I lack personally otherwise.

There is also a gender and communal bias that is held very strongly in India. I am a woman and women are not treated as those that are equal to men in terms of efficiency, leadership and other aspects on the basis of which one is rewarded.

Please help - I really need some help here. Am I the one that needs to be fixed - in terms of my perspective to life and my attitude or is it the way I deal with people.

Can someone please tell me if there is anything that I can do make my life better.? I would really appreciate it.

How important are relationships in one's life?

My question like my life is a bit lengthy and a lot more rough as well. I was born into a family that still can't come to terms with the fact as to why they are even together. My father does not work and hence he could not provide for our family. My mother had emotional conflicts all her life which has led her now to be a mentally ill patient. Since my parents could not support me, was sent to be cared for by my grandmother who was fighting issues of her own - like supporting her mentally retarded son and a failed marriage of her own. Besides loads of challenges emotionally and psychologically with barely nobody to support thru the very challenging period of my life - I slowly but gradually made my way thru college and started working around 12 years back. Have supported my family by providing for them and in the absence of any other income, mine became the main and the only source of income and I was expected to bear all the expenses right from the basic thru to the emergency medical expenses. But besides my commitment toward them and being there for them, I dont see that reciprocated to me when I am in any kind of trouble. When I am facing issues professionally - they are not qualified to support and sometimes they dont care either. When I face issues healthwise I need to see the doc myself and go thru any medications on my own - without any emotional support as well.

I have been there for them at all times and they have not been there even for the most crucial of conditions in my life - they have always been critical about my life, my weight issues and my choices.

I dont have a great big friend's circle and have not been in any relationship so far - there is no significant other.

Now I think I have wasted my time going around and helping people that clearly never cared that I have a life too. That I have emotional needs of my own - that I care to be successful and lead a life that sets an example for people to follow.

I need your help in understanding whether I have spent all these 35 long years making someone have a better life - an extreme sacrifice that have cost me my happiness and peace of mind really worth the effort? Are relationships really necessary?

Hey Guys,

I have a reached a point in my career where I will have to make the call to move further as to what do I sincerely desire to do. Whatever I am doing right now is a reasonably paid, decent job with good people around me. But I am just not feeling right about it - I do not think I belong there. I have to make a decision which will have to be honest enough to my perseverence and branching off from carefully tailored calls. I am currently in IT and have never been satisfied with what I have had to deliver - both in terms of work and in terms of characterization that you tend to imbibe out of work. I would like to make a switch over to the field of consultancy - but I remain undecided about whether I need to get into the Technology,Business,Management,Functional consulting area. I would like to know what one is supposed to possess for taking on such a role and executing it successfully. I like the perks that come along with these roles such as travelling, meeting new cultures.

Hello,

This is a person single for a long time, have experienced loneliness at it's best and had still fought thru it - although bitter was a good learning. I am quite independent by nature, always would like to do things my way even if it turns out to be quite different from the usual odds. Strangely but surely I have come to meet with a Man, who seems to be quite engaging. The reason why I consider him engaging are because he is sensible, understanding, smart and there is some left-over humanity in him. Although I am not too sure how or what he feels about me, these are my feelings for him: I would like to be with him for as long as he is willing to love me, for as long as there is love in this world and for just about any reason that is to make me see it through. Eventhough I crave for this to happen, I just do not have the guts to be speaking up, to voice my feelings for him. I am not sure of the signs that he gives away at times too. I am scared if I would lose him. Please help.