Question about giving it back to people that mess with you?

Question

I request you to please answer my question without being judgmental and emotional - rather rationally.
I have been employed in supposedly one of the decent firms in the IT industry. I believe in the norms that westerners do - professionalism, ethical behavior, treating people with kindness and respect, rather than threatening work out of people  - bringing them into confidence and setting an example for them to follow. I believe in the old adage values that if one is hardworking, committed and dedicated - one can achieve heights or at least receive things that are generally desired by those who work - like travelling to places and meeting new cultures, and better responsibilities. 
In India though thinks work in the contrary - it is not quite about the work that you do, but the way you project it. It is not really about the commitment you show, but the manipulation that you can do by showing others in bad light. It is not really about the dedication you have, it is also about how much disgrace you can bring about in someone's work and creating a view that they are incompetent. I have spent almost 10+ years in this industry and I know not any other experiences or skills otherwise. I am not sure whether for a person like me who is honest and upfront, I would be able to survive in an industry that it is extremely fickle and politics sets the ground rules. 
I believe in creating a value system - I don't take credit for other people's work, I have always stood for and protected my team, I have fought to get credits for people that worked for me and I have been fair in evaluating them. I am not that great in certain aspects of my work but am good in the rest of what I do. I communicate well and I articulate the state of a project and present it to all audiences. 
To my knowledge to survive in any job / industry is not rocket science. But I am not sure what is key for survival. I do not desire for great positions or to climb up the ladder where no one has headed before. I am in this not to win this - I am in this for the financial dependencies I have with respect to this. Best that I can put up with this is for a few more years - but am already worn out.
One thing about me is that I am very impulsive and act on instinct. I am angered very easily and when angered I get very emotional. And another thing about me is that I avoid confrontations - they usually end up in loud arguments - so I prefer writing it in a mail which also ends up messing with me even further because people now have a written note of what state I am and what I think. I am brutally honest and upfront as well - as much as I admit faults of mine I also point out the faults in my management which does not seem to be taken with the same professionalism that I approach with when I am given feedback.
Is there any better way of dealing with PEOPLE because more than technology or business specifics - people seem to be even more threatening and difficult to understand as to what is the best way some can be dealt with. 
I don't have a personal life - as in I have never been in a relationship and I guess I expect way too much for my profession to fill in for. I expect my profession to provide for the love and the recognition that I lack personally otherwise.
There is also a gender and communal bias that is held very strongly in India. I am a woman and women are not treated as those that are equal to men in terms of efficiency, leadership and other aspects on the basis of which one is rewarded.
Please help - I really need some help here. Am I the one that needs to be fixed - in terms of my perspective to life and my attitude or is it the way I deal with people. 
Can someone please tell me if there is anything that I can do make my life better.? I would really appreciate it.

mrreliable3599 · Accepted Answer

"people seem to be even more threatening and difficult to understand as to what is the best way some can be dealt with"

That's your problem. You write down your complaints because it's much easier to write them down than to sit down and talk with a person. You're taking the easy way out.

That's why it's a bad idea to say anything negative about anyone in an email. Quickly the email shots back and forth get angry and nasty.

It's much easier to criticize in an email than it is to sit down and look someone in the eye and tell them what you think. When you actually sit down with someone, the criticism doesn't seem as important, and you're not as aggressive. That's the way it should be.

If it's not worth sitting down with someone and talking honestly with them, as difficult as it might be, get over it. Emails or other means of communicating these things makes you look like a nasty person, and also a coward.

There are ways of talking with people without it getting nasty or personal. Do you like bosses who treat you with respect and give you guidance in a respectful manner? That's what you have to do. Give the other person the same amount of respect you're demanding. If it always ends up in an angry confrontation, that's you, not everybody else.

Get the courage to speak with people face to face in a calm, respectful manner. You'll be surprised at how empowering that will be for you.

Neeta · Answer

when i read your question i found it familiar to me. I really can understand what you go through and what you feel. An honest and dedicated person who believes in handwork rather than following any other tricks of trade. But dear you know what i hear of now a days.... smart working... not hard working ( though i wonder if everybody work smart then who is gonna work hard). You are so right in your observation that  people are more into  presentation rather than actual work. But how much we complain we have to deal with it...and yes deal smartly. Because ultimately you are getting hurt. I really appreciate your attitude and perspective and please....never change it. But just add few more things.  People take your honesty, modesty simplicity and your attitude of ignoring confrontation as your weakness and hence you have to make sure that you clear yourself here and let them understand it. Don't trouble yourself too much for others specially those who are not worth it. Just keep yourself cool and have peace. Try not to react instantly because when you react in anger or in aggressive way you are termed as wrong even if you are correct at what you are saying. Nobody is bothered about your feeling so please don't waste them...you are the most important person for yourself. Keep your head high and be proud of yourself because you are honest and hardworking. But sometime to show your virtue you have to make your point clear but smartly(thou there is no need to prove anything to anyone but you know sometime you have to be louder if someone is not listening  or ignoring). Just think how you can handle situations more smartly. And yes confrontation doesn't mean that you have to shout or get angry or get emotional. When confronting someone keep saying in your mind " i m not gonna get angry , i am right so i am not afraid". And yes don't write things on mails. And if you get in arguments with someone....that's ok next time talk to him or her just in normal way (as if nothing has happened). Try to stay positive and everything will be all right.

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Question about giving it back to people that mess with you?

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