jockman432004

from the House of Commons. On the proper headed paper?

Mine hates them. If she confronts one shes barks at it while it scratches her nose, till I drag her away. Her life now revovles looking for next doors' cats and to chase them. She wont hurt them but they hurt her, but not very often! I know I could train her not to be wacky about them .. but she enjoys the chase and the barking! What does your dog do?

I've got a staffie cross b*tch, been "Done" and is a rescue dog and we have had her for nearly 2 years now. In the last few months her belly and nipples have turned nearly jet black although in the last 2 weeks it has started to fade to grey (cue visage song!!) She is bouncing fit as usual, but has been doing quite a bit of sunbathing lately in the garden. The PDSA suggests it may be cancer or just skin pigmentation. We are gonna tek her to the vets to be on the safe side cos we love her to bits, just wondered if anyone has come across this b4.

Am suffering again for the third year in a row. I take anti-histamine tablets and have steriodial cream for my arms etc.

I live in the country near a river. The bite sites are oozing pus this year and itch like hell, it's a good job I bite me friggin nails!

Any help appreciated.

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor :

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.'Life's tough, it's worse if ur stupid!

BARACK OBAMA:

The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:

My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:

When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

GEORGE W.

BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you?'

Bush replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more -

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is:

The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000,

but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

There’s an old couple sitting watching TV, when the woman decides she’s got to do something to spice up their lacklustre sex life. With a mischievous glint in her eye, she goes upstairs and searches through her wardrobe. She finds an old pair of stockings and suspenders, a moth-eaten basque and a fancy-dress cape. Putting them on, she creeps downstairs and kicks open the living room door. “Darling!” she shouts, running in. “Super Pu*sy!” Her husband glances up, then looks back at the television. “I’ll have the soup, thanks.”

A married couple receive a bank statement with a huge overdraft. They also receive a final demand for the gas bill. So they agree to save money. That evening, they are watching TV when the man gets up and tells his wife that he's off down the pub. Outraged, the wife informs him that he has no right to go to the pub and leave her at home when they need to economise. The husband nods and tells his wife to put her coat on. Surprised and amazed, the wife asks, "Why, are we going out together?" "No," he says. "I'm turning the heating off."

A man goes into a gun shop for a telescopic rifle sight. The assistant takes one out, points out the window and says: "This baby is so good, you can see right into my house on that hill way over there." The man looks through the sight at the house and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the assistant.

"Well, I can see a naked man chasing a naked woman around your house," replies the customer.

Snatching the 'scope back, the assistant cranes his eye through the sight and sure enough, there is his wife, naked, being hotly pursued by an excited young man. Furious, the assistant says to the man, "If I give you two bullets, will you blow my wife's head off with one and take the man's dick out with the other? I'll give you the telescopic sight for free if you do." "Okay," the man says, as he takes out his rifle and attaches the sight. Taking a quick look through it before loading, he hands one bullet back. "You know what?" he says. "I think I can do this with just one shot."

After years of milking cows with the traditional stool-and-squirt method, Farmer Giles finds he has enough money to order a high-tech milking machine. The equipment arrives a few days later and, realising his wife is out for the day, decides to test the machine on himself first.

After setting it up, he quickly eases his beef bayonet into the equipment and flicks the switch. The sucking teat pleasures him better than his wife ever could, but when it's over the machine will not release his member. In desperation, the farmer calls the Customer Service Hotline. "Hello," he winces, "I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but, er, how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry." Replies the rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

This deaf mute strolls into a chemist’s shop to buy a packet of condoms. Unfortunately, the mute cannot see any of his required brand on the shelves, and the chemist, unable to decipher sign language, fails to understand what the man wants. Frustrated, the deaf mute decides to take drastic action: he unzips his trousers and drops his c*ck on the counter, before placing a £5 note next to it. Nodding, the chemist unzips his own trousers, performs the same manoeuvres as the mute, then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the chemist with a wild gesturing of his arms ‘Sorry,’ the chemist says, shrugging his shoulders. ‘But if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t gamble.’

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:

Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:

A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired

Two men in a sauna. The first one says to the second one, "Do you want to see a magic trick?"

"Yeah"

"OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees"

Second guy turns around and gets down on all fours.

"There," says the first one, "...does that feel like you've got a thumb up your ar.se?"

"Yes!"

The first guy waves both of his hands in the air, "Magic!"

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink."

The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds!"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years", my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says. "Worked for your ar.se, didn't it?"

CLINTON VIRUS

Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS

Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS

Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS

Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS

Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS

Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS

Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS

Disks can no longer be inserted.

TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus)

Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").

DISNEY VIRUS

Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.

PROZAC VIRUS

Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS

Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS

Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS

Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows