Jodi C

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to

the green.He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he

hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks

at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the

club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. Theman is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas

and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

"Which Middle East nation is for the most part at the core of Middle East politics and why?"

"Which Middle East nation is for the most part at the core of Middle East politics and why?"

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this **** except me."

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

- Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

- Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

- Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

- Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

- Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

- How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

- Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

- Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.....

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets. Happy Gardening!!

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

Mother Nature

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow

buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, Whoof! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a little old

woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life ... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF! ... She was gone.

After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred.

"Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I' m over here, in the p*ssy willows."

Dave yells back..."DON'T SWING FRED!!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!"

A heterosexual man walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. "Why not," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the man, "What's the name of your willy?"

The man says, "Look, I'm not gay. All I want is a drink. "The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'

"The man looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty man asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies,"Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

-Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

-Marriage changes passion.

Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

-How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

-A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

-I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

-When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

-Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

-Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply

press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

H@NDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the h@nd-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am. What can I do for you?" The old biker replies, "Well, go wash your freaking hands, I want a cheeseburger."

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddie. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?"asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. "I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India,etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they

have frozen glasses... "He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted

him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that he was getting chills just holding it.

How do I delete photos from my yahoo mail? I cannot seem to figure out how to do it, and I have alot of picture I would like to get rid of. Thanks.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.

And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the

hole-he-goes."

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail. Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave." Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me." Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate. So, everything other than one worm was removed.

I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

Then I said, "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "No!"

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere!Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and

After school I watch 2 girls ages 7 and 9. I keep them from about 2:45pm until around 4:30pm when their older sister (age 16) and brother (age 13) get home. For these days I only charge $5.00. If their mother wants me to feed them and keep them (all 4) until 7:00pm I charge her $25.00. Does this seem like a good price? Or am I charging too little or too much?