brainyandy

Ever since I've been forced to use this outlook whatever instead of Hotmail it won't let me attach anything to my emails. Any ideas?

...and says he's having a few problems with his sex life. The doctor says," Well lets face it Mr Brown, you are 83 and you can't expect miracles at that age".

The doctor looks at him and sees that he's far from satisfied with this answer so continues, "Ok Mr Brown, when did you first experience any problems"? To which Mr Brown replies.

"Twice last night and three times this morning".

Bought some horseradish the other day and I think I found traces of beef in it. Do you think I should take it back?

A guy lives very close to an underground station on the circle line. His girlfriend also lives close to a station on the circle line which is about halfway round. So when he visits her he simply goes to the station and jumps on the first train that comes along irrespective of which way it's going because it's the same distance.

Trains run every 10 minutes in each direction but 9 times out of 10 he finds himself going one way more than the other.

How come?

Does anyone know if they do the bay manoeuvre at Clacton Test Centre?

What animal has an ar$ehole on its back?

Four people are sitting round a large square table, (one on each side). There is a large obstruction in the middle of the table which prevents each person seeing the person directly opposite them. They are then told to raise their hand if they can see AT LEAST one man.

As it happens they are all men, so they all put their hands up. They are then asked to determine the sex of the person sitting opposite them. After a while, one of them successfully works out that the person opposite is a male.

How does he do it?

There are no other people in the room. No communication is allowed. No mirrors. In fact no trickery whatsoever.

I saw a man driving a van the other day and he WASN'T on his phone. Is that allowed?

I woke up this morning and thought I could see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor.

First I was afraid...then I was petrified!

A man shows you three coins. One is gold coloured on both sides, one is silver coloured on both sides and the third is silver on one side and gold on the other. He then asks you to put them in a bag and give them a good shake. You are then asked to take out one of the coins without looking and place it on a table in a manner that both of you can only see one (the top) side. For arguments sake, let's assume that the side you both see is gold.

He now says, "OK we now know that this coin is either the coin that's gold on both sides or gold on one side and silver on the other, so it's a 50-50 chance as to which one it is". He then says, "I'm willing to offer you an even money bet that this coin is also gold on the other side".

Is this a fair bet?

The odometer in a car shows the mileage as: 15951 which is a palindromic number (it reads the same either forwards or backwards). Two hours later it again shows a palindromic number.

How far has the car travelled?

I purchased an electrical appliance the other day and it had the following safety notice:

First, the seemingly obligatory warning triangle with an exclamation mark inside, followed by the word "CAUTION"! in bold print. It then went on to say:

"This appliance is not intended for use by persons with reduced physical, sensory or mental capabilities, or lack of experience and knowledge, unless they have been given supervision or instruction concerning use of the appliance, by a person responsible for their safety."

Sound advice if you happen to be installing a new computer system. So what was the product?

A 3 volt battery operated door-bell!

A man lives close to a station by the Circle Line in London and visits his girlfriend who, coincidentally also lives close to a station exactly opposite his station on the Circle line. So when he visits her, it doesn't matter which way the train is going because it's the same distance either way. The trains run at regular intervals of 10 minutes either way so when he gets to the station, he simply jumps on the first train that comes along.

However, he soon realizes that for some reason he finds that he goes one way nine times out of ten.

How come? He doesn't have any preference. He simply jumps on the first train that comes along.

Normally, by the time I've answered a question, I get the usual 'technical problems' routine. Can't they solve this problem?

Four towns are situated at the four corners or a 1 mile x 1 mile square. The councilors of each of the towns get together one day and decide to build a road network that will enable anyone to get to any town. The cost of building a road is £100,000 per mile. However, in these times of tight budgets, they decide that they can't spend more than £70,000 each on the project.

The first idea is to connect the roads in the form of a square, but this would total £400,000; taking them way over budget. The second idea is to simply remove one of the roads. Whilst this would still fulfill the requirements, it would mean a three mile round trip for some people and, more importantly, would still be £20,000 over budget.

Can you solve their predicament?

It's a 2003 1.2L. I appreciate that it almost certainly isn't practical but I still need to know.

Thanks.

Well I know all the talk is about The World Cup and transfer rumours, and so they should be. But what say we all spare a thought for Fulham tonight. They're only a small club and this is the first time they've ever been in a position to win a major trophy. So I, for one, will be cheering them on tonight.

Andy (The Gooner).

Two boys were annoyed at coming bottom and second from bottom in their sex education class and decided that it was the teachers fault.

"That Mrs. Jones has got it in for us" says one of the boys. "Why don't we beat her up when she comes out of school tonight"?

"Good idea", says the other one. "You grab hold of her....and I'll kick her in the bo!!ocks".