EDantes

My wife and I are having a tough time. We have two young kids (4 and 2 mos) and she nags me all the time. We fight about minor stuff (bottle not cleaned; glass of water left on coffee table, etc.) because she thinks I leave everything for her to do when really I'm just not doing it on her time table. It's grinding me down to a nub dealing with constant criticism. I love her and adore my kids, but she threatens divorce all the time. We've talked about separation but I feel like that's it for the marriage, there's no coming back from separation.

Has anyone gone through a similar separation and ended up getting back together and staying together?

I have been married, mostly happily, for 5 years. We have two young boys who I adore. But over the past few years - particularly since we've had kids - our marriage has deteriorated. We're both very passionate, stubborn people and even since the time we started dating 10 years ago, we've always had fights. We still love each other, but something's gone. All she ever does is tell me how I don't contribute, I'm lazy, I'm selfish, I don't care about anyone but myself. She works her *** off, particularly around the house and with the kids. But I'm a lawyer who's required to work a lot of hours, and I still bust my *** every weekend. I don't go out boozing, I've never cheated on her, I'm the one that gets up and feeds our 2 month old twice a night so she can either pump or sleep, and I"m still the one who gets up at hauls my *** to work every morning. I change sheets, I make meals, I change diapers and I drive my 4 year old to school every day. I'm home for dinner every night, I bathe the older one most nights (she does maybe one or two every two weeks). I handle all the house maintenance, I pitch in when there's a birthday party to go to and I make it to school events.

Sure, she takes control of the kids doctor appts, school, finding babysitters and nannies. She cleanns more but mostly because she's borderline OC. I leave a bottle in the sink because I have the baby in my arms and can't clean it at the moment but intend to later, and she comes down and screams at me because she has to do it. It's not that I don't do things, it's that I don't do them on her schedule.

We haven't had sex in about 9 months. Even before the baby came sex was a once, maybe twice, a month thing. She's going back to work in a few weeks and it's only going to get more stressful. Every time we fight she says she wants a divorce and I say no you don't, but the truth is a lot of times I find myself fantasizing about what life would be like without her. I know it would suck, but I even fantasize about having the two boys without her constant, nagging, stressed out, b___y presence around making me miserable.

Bottom line is I love her but I don't know how long I can keep tolerating being made to feel like a worthless piece of crap who does nothing when the opposite is true.

So how do you know when to cut the cord? I'm not like a lot of posters who I read about saying "I hate my wife." I do love my life...but it's different. She's totally focused on the kids. We still laugh, but not as much. We never go out because finding a babysitter that lives up to her Mary Poppins standards is impossible. Our older son has some developmental issues and that only exacerbates her already over-protective nature. I feel like I'm going to have to tolerate this until both boys go to college - and I don't know if I can last another 18 years.

Please help. How do you know when enough's enough?