How do you know when you should leave your wife?

Question

I have been married, mostly happily, for 5 years.  We have two young boys who I adore.  But over the past few years - particularly since we've had kids - our marriage has deteriorated.  We're both very passionate, stubborn people and even since the time we started dating 10 years ago, we've always had fights.  We still love each other, but something's gone.  All she ever does is tell me how I don't contribute, I'm lazy, I'm selfish, I don't care about anyone but myself.  She works her *** off, particularly around the house and with the kids.  But I'm a lawyer who's required to work a lot of hours, and I still bust my *** every weekend.  I don't go out boozing, I've never cheated on her, I'm the one that gets up and feeds our 2 month old twice a night so she can either pump or sleep, and I"m still the one who gets up at hauls my *** to work every morning.  I change sheets, I make meals, I change diapers and I drive my 4 year old to school every day.  I'm home for dinner every night, I bathe the older one most nights (she does maybe one or two every two weeks).  I handle all the house maintenance, I pitch in when there's a birthday party to go to and I make it to school events.

Sure, she takes control of the kids doctor appts, school, finding babysitters and nannies.  She cleanns more but mostly because she's borderline OC.  I leave a bottle in the sink because I have the baby in my arms and can't clean it at the moment but intend to later, and she comes down and screams at me because she has to do it.  It's not that I don't do things, it's that I don't do them on her schedule. 

We haven't had sex in about 9 months.  Even before the baby came sex was a once, maybe twice, a month thing.  She's going back to work in a few weeks and it's only going to get more stressful.  Every time we fight she says she wants a divorce and I say no you don't, but the truth is a lot of times I find myself fantasizing about what life would be like without her.  I know it would suck, but I even fantasize about having the two boys without her constant, nagging, stressed out, b___y presence around making me miserable.

Bottom line is I love her but I don't know how long I can keep tolerating being made to feel like a worthless piece of crap who does nothing when the opposite is true.

So how do you know when to cut the cord?  I'm not like a lot of posters who I read about saying "I hate my wife."  I do love my life...but it's different.  She's totally focused on the kids.  We still laugh, but not as much.  We never go out because finding a babysitter that lives up to her Mary Poppins standards is impossible.  Our older son has some developmental issues and that only exacerbates her already over-protective nature.  I feel like I'm going to have to tolerate this until both boys go to college - and I don't know if I can last another 18 years.

Please help.  How do you know when enough's enough?

IslandLife · Accepted Answer

Kids do tend to change the elements of a marriage.  It makes life and marriage a little more challenging for the both of you.  Women also tend to have imbalanced hormones after giving birth, and some even suffer post partum blues and post partum depression because of the change in hormones and the adjustments to taking care of a new baby.  It takes a huge support system believe it or not to help ease the stress and frustration of having children (esp a newborn) off of the both of you.  I applaud you for all your efforts and the fact that you do love your family.  I suggest maybe getting family members (if she finds it hard to trust hired help) to help with the kids and even with things around the home.  

Try to understand that pregnancy can do a major psychological turn around on women sometimes.  It's not really her fault, that's just sometimes how nature works.  I understand how frustrated and unappreciated you feel as well.  Just try to hang in there if she means that much to you.  Of course though you do need to explain to her that you too are HUMAN and can only do so much yourself being that you do work full time, have been trying to help out at home, and have needs of your own that aren't being met.  So once again...try bringing family in to help if this is possible.  

If this still doesn't relieve the tension and frustration in the home, than maybe you might want to seek family counseling.  If you feel the passion is missing in the marriage, and this sounds a bit like this may be an issue as well from what I can read of your situation than that is something the two of you will have to work on.  Passion sometimes can be worked back into a marriage.  It's no easy task though, especially in your situation with the new baby.  If all these attempts fail, than it comes down to how do you want to spend the rest of your life...happy to move on if you know you tried your best... or staying in the marriage being miserable being that all attempts to make it work failed?  

As long as you are there for your sons than the possibility of divorce is for YOU to decide.   I've seen couples in my family and friends go through this (my parents, aunt and uncle, friends ) and I was actually there to help them around the house with cleaning and with the babies (even special needs children) like a nanny would.  This helped, but then years down the line they still had issues in their marriages because underneath all the chaos and temporary distractions of kids and responsibilities at home, they still had unresolved issues with one another and the passion had died in the marriage though they loved each other.  Sometimes love just isn't enough to keep a marriage going by itself.  There has to be compatibility from the start between partners and the ability to appreciate one another...and most definitely the passion has to be there for it to be a happy marriage.

You will know when enough is enough in your own timing.  You will FEEL it and it will be an undeniable feeling.  This sounds vague and pointless, but it really isn't.  We can't tell you when the time is necessary to get a divorce unless it appears that there is abuse going on in the marriage.  For sure if abuse ever starts in the marriage than you should divorce without questions asked.  Abuse can be emotional, physical, and verbal.  But this is an issue of frustration because of a lifestyle adjustment and possible incompatibility between you in the marriage.  

The fact that you two are both stubborn, passionate, and fought often before marriage says there is a compatibility problem.   Which could be worked out with lots of effort or sometimes not.  I've seen couples work through it and I've seen some not make it.  It all depends on you two.  If it's too hard and becomes like "work" to make the compatibility sustain, than you may want to ask yourself how long do you want to spend your life trying to make the marriage work.  This has to be your choice though.  

I know what it feels like to not be appreciated regardless what you do, and to feel like you have tried everything to make things work.  Praying and patience can help.  But don't let this situation consume you.  I wish you luck in figuring how you want to approach this and hope you find peace and happiness in whatever you decide to do.

Anonymous · Answer

If what you say is true then you are obviously pulling your weight around.  My mom is like that and sometimes I think to myself... if my father decided to leave her, I wouldn't blame him (I love my mom dearly but I can't handle her incessant yelling and nagging).  Maybe she is under a lot of stress or feels unfulfilled because she doesn't have a career of her own.  Her nagging may be stemming from something deeper, dissatisfaction and unhappiness in her life.  Why don't you sit her down and have a serious talk with her so you guys can both vent and try to make compromises.  If you are really this unhappy you might have to leave her.  If you two decide to split at least the the time apart will let you know how strong your marriage is.

Anonymous · Answer

Well sir, I have been through a divorce and I put up with a lot to try and save the marriage but it was one way. I let her cheat and lie and do all kinds of stuff thinking she would change. I finally realized I am not the best nor anyone's first choice but I deserve respect as you do. If she cannot come to grips with how hard you work and shows no signs of working it out with you then make the difficult decision and go on your way. You know the law in regards to protecting your rights and not getting cleaned out in court. It will be the kids that hurt the most so just keep being a good dad and let her go on with her life. When you love someone you let them go, if they love you they will always come back.

terliuke · Answer

You just had a baby and you are having a hard time.  Your wife is still full of hormones from the pregnancy and she is not acting yourself.  Try to be patient and understand.  I would strongly recommend to get marriage counseling.  You do still love each other but going through a rough patch.  You just need help.  Why wouldn't you hire a housekeeper to help her with the kids?  Or a living in nanny?  If you are a lawyer, you should be able to afford them.  Good luck!  From what you said, I really believe that you guys can make it.  You have a beautiful family, don't give up!

Benji F · Answer

If you respect yourself, your marriage vow, and love your children  
You Find A Solution to Make Her Happy 
Your a lawyer, the king of BS, come on.

Ask her if she'd like to hire a full time nanny and start coming with you to work
Where she can be a secratary or something.

Start your own practic where your wife will be equally involved.


Roll over and hug your wife,

Tell your wife to find a sitter for Saturday night because you need her to help wiht something
Then take her to a nice restaurant with music and tell her how you've missed her, and how beautiful she looks, and how great it is being a family and what you guys to do get closer 

Remember what it was that attracked you to her?

Anonymous · Answer

Divorce is not the solution. Stress is crating problems in your life. What you need to do here is talk to her, divide housework between 2 of you. Try going out for dinner or something. I know its hard but hey I know you guys love eachother. If its not working by yourself please fins a marriage counsellor.
Dont let it break. It will work out and you guys will be happy again.

OldBones · Answer

Jeeze welcome to parenthood.  You described MY marriage. All I wanted was time for myself and time with my husband.  If you really do love her, take a week off before she goes back to work and take a romantic trip. . Have the grandparents come stay at your house.

I used to BEG my husband to take me somewhere..anywhere. I would buy sexy underwear to wear on our little trips.  He refused.  Work was more important than me...anything was more important than me. I WAS a useless, worthless person.  Today, I am a happy divorced person. Save your marriage and family. Let her know she is worth the effort.

LoveNtn · Answer

if you love your family why you care if you do alot for them? having children is hard work for both parents. stop thinking how much you do for them. enjoy the time you have with your children and wife. you and your wife need to ask a family member to take care of your children for a week, so you and your wife can go vacation.. have sometimes to relax.

? · Answer

first you need to see what Marriage means to you. it isn't fair to you or her to just go through the motions. you need to understand that it isn't just another 18 years but a life time.

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How do you know when you should leave your wife?

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