I am 007NYC

I've given my heart to all the wrong people, except my friends. Now I feel numb, and it's not necessarily a numbness of spirit, it's a numbness that happens when all your illusions are broken, a feeling that you won't ever find true love.

As a man in his prime, I also know I won't be handsome forever, or be able to shed the baggage that comes with age so easily, that is the challenge life gives you. I never ever "knew" my life would take this turn, because I loved with all my heart, and never suspected that finding love would be harder than finding work.

A man, when he truly loves, is transparent, his heart is easily seen, and he's completely real at the same time. I don't know if I will ever be able to accomplish that again.

I ask you to be honest and forthright, not morally correct, because I would prefer the bare bones truth. As children, we are clueless about gender, barriers, and personal space, and being affectionate is either spontaneous, or an unexpected bonus.

As adults, we are supposed to be certain about our sexuality, and our lifestyle, however, (and I say this loosely), chemistry between two people can be a journey into the unknown. I recall my best friend in high school, and how I had these sudden urges to kiss him, but never even tried, for fear it would have killed our friendship.

This has happened in my adult life, with both men and women, and I wonder if many other people experience these pangs of curiosity, am I alone in this?

Usually, I mind my own business when it comes to people and their personal drama's, but in this case, I didn't, and I wonder why I didn't in the 1st place. The whole thing started when I befriended a struggling musician in midlife, whose wife left him after many years, for another woman.

At first, I felt bad for him, trying to discuss the possibility of a potential friendship/musical collaboration. Then I realized he used facebook as a forum to destroy his wife verbally, and dismantle every spec of their life together, while at the same time, being very self destructive. I should have unfriended this psychopath weeks ago.

Not only did I offer heart felt advice to this dude, but my whole motivation was to get him in a balanced frame of mind, for a music project. Instead, he accused me of knowing his wife, and berated me for requesting his friendship on FB, subsequently unfriending me in the process. I was like, done, and done with him, and facebook. But looking back, I realized how incredibly self centered, and morose this guy was, and it wasn't him, but me, who needed his head examined for wasting my time. The thing is I am very afraid to step outside my circle and befriend anyone at random.

I love the Nike ads that say "Just Do It", and I have! I have tried in my own way, to be successful, and by God, I am ready to give up if something doesn't break for me soon. This is a question of which I have no answer, so please someone, don't just be nasty and judgmental. I am trying to be open and honest here.

I will be homeless soon, if I can't find a job, or an opportunity in the arts-and I have been looking. I think the climate of employment is a landscape of chance like the lottery, and it shouldn't be that way. I self produced my own project, and nothing came of it. Does God just want me to give up?

She's negative, and her picture is always at the top of my side bar friends list, how does this happen? I want her off my page, but I'd like to do it discreetly.

I pray that one of you good people will have the patience to understand why I feel as I do. My father and me were never close, many years ago he suffered a mental breakdown, and then confessed that he was bi-sexual. One of sisters went for a knife, I stopped her. It was a tense moment. I needed to deal with my own sexuality, and this was completely unexpected.

He sold our home out from under us, left us all high and dry, I was 19, when all this started, after 20 years, the things of the past haunt me. He died in the early-nineties, My life

has suffered through mostly emotional breakdowns, I have lost so much, even my mother to some degree, she disapproves of my being gay. She just doesn't want to know, she survived cancer and it's changed her, our conversations are always on the same subjects. When I lost a well paying job, and was evicted from my place, in 09, it was both a devastation, and a release. I was fired over a complaint I made about my manager who was harassing me, Eventually, they found a loophole to terminate me. I had to sign a resignation letter to get unemployment, it was a form of extortion. The building I lived in was deplorable, high rents, and a rodent problem so disgusting, that mice would climb on my bed in the summertime. Since then, I have not had gainful employment, or a place of my own. I'd end my life if I could do it without harming myself, I just want to disappear from the landscape.

I look pretty good for my age, despite a knee injury that is recuperating, but I want to change some things about my life, and soon. The thing is "how"? I am heading towards that plateau of

middle age, and it's scary. I don't want to be the same person I have always been. I am too conservative, self conscience, and self critical. Yet I am an artist, not a free spirit in many ways, how can I change that, I am trying to change my luck.

I'm jobless, depressed, in a weird relationship, and yes, I blame myself for at least 55% of the things I did to myself, but the truth is there are too many things out of my realm of control, or leaving it to faith. The most tiring thing is having hope and faith in the possibility of change, only to be derailed, or have nothing happen at all. Where is God? Atheists, I don't care about your interests either way, I am not an atheist, don't care about being an atheist. I do care about my soul, which is going through horrendous lapses in judgement. Please don't tell me to pray, that is all I have been doing for years. I would like not to be so angry.

Is Britain still resentful of African and Asian/Indian immigrants migrating to it's shores? If so, what about Americans of color, I am bi-racial, an artist, and I am in a relatively good financial status.

In terms of type and intelligence.

Life is a compromise, I know this, I know it well. The thing is I can't seem to find that inner strength, that punctuates my ability to see the forest through the trees. Being a creative person magnifies an intense longing for things to be solvent. I hate praying, because I pray for the same things, it's not that I don't believe in God, but sometimes I look around at all these people in the world, in my neighborhood, in the city, what possible attention would I receive from a God so busy?

I believe miracles happened in the world because there were less people in it. Now it seems like I'm living in an overcrowded bubble, of desperate, sometimes manic distraction, and chaos. I feel lost, afraid and distant from my own real self.

I am infatuated with my straight French roommate, he is in a word, "beautiful" to look at, speaks both English and French of course. But I also live with my lover, and he hasn't a clue about my feelings for the roommate. I don't know why, but there is a inexplicable laugh that happens when we see each other, like an inside joke. The other thing is, he is also very manipulative, and coy when he is in the wrong about something, and he's a slob, his room smells like a gorilla cage, but he looks amazing aside from that, and is well groomed. That is the paradox that lies before me, any suggestions, because I get aroused at just the sound of his voice.

I can't say I was born gay, as a little boy, I loved girls, had crushes on girls. Stared at, and admired many of my classmates who cute girls, but I was (years later), frightened about having sex with girls, I loved the kissing, and affection, but as puberty arrived, my fears mixed with a sexual urge towards my own sex, began to take hold. I even started having dreams of kissing/touching the handsome guys in my classes. By time I got to high school, the sexual confusion arrested my thought process. I didn't want to corrupt myself by doing anything about my gay feelings, so I kept dating girls, and broke up with them before they asked about sex. Fast forward to now, I am pretty much a gay man, but lately, lesbian porn has been intoxicating, while I have sex with my lover, I'm thinking of lesbians having sex.

Everyone seems to have a complex, whenever they feel bad about themselves? Gimmie a break!

Okay, that's a little drastic, but really, why do some of us struggle our whole lives, and others are Warren Beatty or "Beyonce". Those who are in the middle, get squeezed into the struggle category. Sorry, I think it's beyond politics.

I was seriously trying to be romantic with a guy I was interested in, and visa versa, and he plainly said he could not give me what I wanted. He is still interested in having sex with me, and continuing a friendship, but his excuse is that "he's trying to find his inner child". Why are so many gay men still unable to pursue anything beyond the physical? This is not someone in their twenties, or thirties. Gee whiz.