?

I havent actually smoked in like 5 weeks..but i was around quite a bit of it in an enclosed room for about an hour...i was drunk so i didnt really think about it or notice ..but now im wondering..i have plenty of niacin on standby haha..this all happened two days ago. its a piss test btw.

thanks!

Im 20 and have gone through an excruciating break away form my old man..classic sheltered low self esteem abusive relationship, hes very controlling, demanding, basically my whole existence was his opinion. Well, later i rebelled using science and knowledge as my spirituality, completely depressed cuz that wasnt really me..

the last year ive been kind of lost, finding out every part of myself again for the reason i appreciate..i just cant seem to nail my spirituality though (last leg of the race)...and im pretty sure im a person who needs it heavily (not ignorance or delusion just a flow higher power)..i mean im an artist over anything so i kind of need to live in a fantasy world..

im not hardcore religous, but i do like parts of christianity, just no the judging, ignorance, and **** like that...but im not really a big science guy either (i dont discount its validity i just dont live it like some people do)..but i really dig reason and understanding.

have any advice, anyone know where im coming from? thanks people.

Ive basically been in a state of constant thought over my problems over the past year and a half.

it all started with my deeply rooted inferiority complex..that really took a toll on me as i went into a delusional reality and basically withdrew myself from everything possible in the human experience.

Realizing how deep i had gone I tried to "think" my way out but forgot my underlying problems of negative self image and inferiority, and went into a downwards spiral obsseing in thought.

its all i can do now, i cant even access my original problems and i feel totally stuck... any help?

Not trying to gain attention by claiming i have a disease. just curious...

I think in images...everything..i can see amazing things in my head..to practical invetnions or ideas to massive cities in space...even music...i see shapes..guitar is lines...everything has a distinct shape to it. i could sit in my room all day and do that. even emotions haha i see them in peoples bodies its weird.

like...a paino or keyboard sounds like a rectangle or square to me.

its actualy kind of a hassle cuz someitmes i cant relate to people cuz my thinking is so image intense...forget about direction giving to me haha.

not really a people person either..i need human interaction but not a lot..and i dont have super anxious quirks...i responed to my name as a kid... but at a young age..i could build insane things that were way beyond my age that in shape, color, and form..but that could jus tbe my creativity accounting for this whole ordeal..

any advice?

thanks!

im quitting smoking right now..the weed i havent been doing that much lately..but i still smoke a lot of cisg and cigars..it needs to stop. i also eat terribly..and have barely worked out...used to be extremely healthy..i just want out of this deathtrap...a lot of this has to do with my mental issues but that can only get better when i treat myself better and gain more self respect.. im lucky im only a 19 year old dude so i have to time to fix this...

good detox methods? excercise routines? tips for quitting smoking? anything...to just get my health back on track.

thanks..

back in high school i just completely shut down...about as dead inside as a person can be id like to think. anyways..i need that feeling of god...of a point to life..that continous flow of beauty that gives a point to every little thing we do that gives my art inspiration...

part of numbing was this intellectual complex that shut down all "ignorant thoughts" including the emotinos attached to it...basically everything that hrut in my life. i then tell myself how everything is made of chemicals and all this science stuff i picked up along the way, and it has no emtoion..it doenst have to deal with the pain... how can i just let gooo? i feel so stuck, so empty, so dead...

everytime i try and get this spark back...my numbing complex warns me of the pain and says im ingnorant for believing in god..which i actually dont the concetp is ridiculous... i jstu want the feeling back. everythign else would make sense from there. any ideas??

thanks

Fortney..Bossert.

The sites i have browsed have been absolutely no help at all. Can you hire people to search your family history? Is the site ancestry.com any good.. its seems to be the only site that has any viability and i assume it would be much cheaper then a proffesional. Are there local places i can go? and i am honestly just very curious haha im pretty sure im german with my parents last two names but i want to find out more. as much as i can.

Today i was drinking at a buddys house, we had been tackling each other back and forth, he got me good, i rolled on my left foot with flip flops on, heard two pops, and searing pain. not unbearable, but it hurt. It still does. it hurts to walk and the pain comes back in flashes. It has limited mobility and standing time without too much pain.

its also swollen in the ankle area, and my left foot wont go back as far as the right one (imagine standing on the tips of your toes like a ballerina but do it sitting down thats what im talking about.)

ex. peak oil.

im doing lot of research on it for a project in college. One side has scientific studies done by respected doctorates claiming we are going to hit peak oil. one thing that really bugs me is that some analysts say it will be 4 years, some say 100 years.

other people and scientists claim that oil will last for much longer, we'll never run out, and renewables will never work (i dont want to dive too much into the issue, im making an example), with the same accredited background studies from others in the same respected fields.

its not that i dont trust science, i just question the motive of the people who claim facts constantly. this issue i believe applies to so many others (any philosophical question about god exc.)but im mainly focusing on modern day science. dont make this a slippery slope issue either, im not looking to bring this into the heavens of philosophical knowledge, its more of an opinion question.

no need to rail me with bombardments of youth and naivety i would like to hear perspectives of people who wonder about the endless amounts of "facts" that we have access to these days. that is.....if you are a trustworthy source.

i listen to a lot of rock metal, everything, you name it thousands of songs... i hear a lot of violin... ive learned how to read and compose music through guitar, piano, exc.

i want to get started. what would be a good beginners viola? what are some dark dramatic pieces i could learn?

thanks

My dad has a very dictatorial parenting style. He was so forcefully influential in my life, i basically had no self esteem, no sense of what i was. Everything i see is what i think other people would want me to see or say.

IE when im around certain people i only react to what i would think they would want me to say. not in a normal socially healthy politeness but what i would think they would want to see in a person in every parameter.

At first my therapist though i had dissociative personality, but we've both come to the conclusion that as my self esteem got lower and lower through my teen years for all the classic teenager reasons... i did the only thing i knew how to do. Hide myself in a delusional world.

im now in limbo, questioning every though as either delusion or paranoia, i just dont even know how to sort myself out, find who i really am. im too afraid to live this delusional world i live in, the outer world id too scary for me to live in.

IE i think im this spiritual god of the universe set out to make the greatest civilization that ever was. everyone else in the world is ignorant and needs to bow to my regime to be fulfilled (just total bs but its the opposite archetype of my old man, christian hardcore american. it gives me power over others which is how i learned to garnish self esteem.) sometimes these delusions were so strong it felt as if i had split personalities.. im in a clearer of state of confusion now haha

IE i interview myself for hours (talking out loud) as a famous movie director talking about movies and just enjoying how smart i am. i only do this because i think heres some imaginary audience somewhere watching me. i have a feeling this is truly what i want to be, but i dont know hot to translate this into the real world.

i have major depressiveness, exceptional paranoia, anxiety, and i am in state of psychosis. im starting some heavy antidepressants. im 19.

is there any advice you guys can think of?

thanks.

when i was a kid, my old man was harsh. he was the stereotypical marine hardcore badass im better than everyone else america. well, that didnt turn out too god for an artist. he raised me by pounding his beliefs into my head, ones that i didnt believe, he tried to make me forget myself and become him.i constantly felt controlled, judged and negatively viewed by everyone around me. im just pathetic, a waste of life, i bathe in my own misery every day.

around 15 my intellectual brain started to awaken and i immersed myself in intellectual ideas and watched a lot of film. i was already prone to the ability to be totally dominated by an idea...thats when i used them as escapable delusions that would lift my self esteem. im 19 now.

ive done a lot of weird ****, i mean i could go into detail but i only have so much time in my life. ive never felt like ive had control. ive made terrible financial decisions, i picked up smoking, i occasionally smoke weed but ive stopped. i feel like im living in a movie. i regret a lot of **** ive done.

suicidal, not suicidal.

this is just one that i feel. i am in this state right now(the reason i am on the internet pleading my case).

The Maniac-lets music take a hold of him, becomes a manifestation of pain, expresses through physical movement, wants people to feel the pain and bring attention to the suffering, be a complete nutjob contrary to every societal norm, just be a general all around freak.

ive listed about 12 others but i like this one the most. some are mild, some are very dramatic and destructive.

this personality often has conflict with others as they battle it out all day everyday for control of my mind body and spirt and control of my behavior. "logical" battles of infinite unending torment.

this is really just the tip of the iceberg, the barebones of the situation, i mean, there is so much more to it than i care to describe. its really hard for me to focus actually and write this it took a long time, i cant stay still, my mind is on infinite pause, rewind, and fast-forward. ive changed a few times over the course of writing this, remembering certain situations and stimulations that trigger certain personalities.

all this while thousand s of kids die in africa. interesting how people even on the highest level of the hierarchy of needs can have problems.

it just makes sense, i thought i had extremely severe depression, but i read the symptoms and i just felt peace, it made sense. i was trying to find the disease, it just fit perfectly.

thanks

This guy smokes about 6-8 bowls a day. He tells me all the time "this would be so much better stoned". his whole family smokes. his younger sisters, his parents, most of his family. he just doesn give a **** about anything really. god only knows how much hes corroding his brain.

i dont mind it in moderation, every couple months, im young.(even though i have recently stopped due to a gracious cop who just took our stash and let us go, you have to respect that). but.. hes taking it to ridiculous levels, and i cant fin any reason for his need to escape even though i know him through and through(as far as i know).

hes stoned all day every day. hes becoming quite the simian as far as brainpower goes. he doesnt care about anything, he'll smoke 100 yards away from a copcar, i just have a feeling hes going to get busted and BAD. his brainpower and memory are so diminished he realy doesnt care and has given up on life. hes a talented dude, and it sad to not see him grow up a little bit as far as partying goes. considering hes been smoking at this rate every day for about a year and a half, he still has the maturity of a 17 year old as far as im concerned.

any advice?

But i feel like it. People say things to me, i really dont give a **** what they say. I just respond saying what i know they want to hear, seriously ive had so much experience at it im a pro at b-s'ing conversation. I feel liek an observer to this world of you people. like im not even here. I also think visually, im an insanely good problem solver.

if i lived by myself, i probably wouldnt even speak for days until someone said something to me.

I find a lot of beauty in designs, colors and textures.I have this couch in my house, it has this cloth on it that is very malleable and changes colors depending on what way the light hits it. I could sit there for alteast an hour, being entertained by the infinite parameters of designs this couch has to offer. My dad walked in after an hour, i hadnt moved, and he wondered what the hell i was doing. I didnt even know, i was so lost in my mind and myself, thinking about this stupid couch.

i just dont connect with people, on really any level. i hate my job because its very social and people do not appreciate someone who can not give them a bullshit comment back to them, or small talk. i understand people and how they work, i just dont care enough to bother with them. somebody could say the deepest darkest personal things that could hurt me and i would just not even really care. id just walk away, its happened before.

ive read a lot about the symptoms on the internet, and i feel they are way more serious and distinctive to what i am.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/autism/DS00348/DS...

am i just an extreme introvert, just a weird dude, do i just have a knack for design(what math is to a mathematician design i to me, infinite and beautiful)? is it possible to have a mild case of autism?

thanks.

same old story,19, troubled childhood, aggresive father, divorce, abused, i resent everything around me, extreme depression, attempted suicide, didnt know the right way to deal with my problems so i buried them with further delusions to conjure some shred of self esteem, moderate amounts of drugs drugs, very creatively musically and artistically, hearty portions of daily loathing, an undying void of sadness, and hate harbor inside of me as i bathe in my own misery and very suicidal.

youve heard the same old story over and over. i knew i had problems and i knew how to fix them. im a smart kid. i went to a therapist, i recognized my problems, learned how to fix them...

but i still have the anger. its the kind of hate that makes someone hope that they do something wrong right in front of me, piss me off in the right way, so i can pulverize their face so ******* hard theyd have to get a new ID with a picture of a slab of raw meat on it to get anywhere close to what this persons face would look like in real life after i was finished.

i just want to watch it all burn, humanity, society civilization, the universe. Even though i know society provides me with what i need, a stable environment to fulfill my passions, live a fruitful life with a family contributing to the society i belong to and progress and appreciate each stage of life i still want to just watch everything be swallowed into the infinite levels of pain and misery into the void of hell.

im not dying, i live in ******* america, i have food, a job, a great life on paper, i make music(dark music).

is there any way to curb this edge without using drugs? this hate is unexplainable and insurmountable. i want people to feel it and go down with me (even though i know no ones against me and people genuinely are good and want to help me). this wasnt me as a child. i want to be healthy again and live life like i did.

any advice?

For me its Follow the Leader by Korn. The lyrics are very universal in the translation of pain that many people feel. I shared some brutal times with that album, still do. One of the best vocal covers to do in a band,i release so much when i sing it. The album is very well written and HEAVY, especially the last song My Gift to You, its bagpipe brutality.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgzbi4Pgn5g

CAN YOU FEEL THE PAIN, ****** awesome.

So what album song or band is like that for you? What did you feel about it?

I was raised with a sense of purpose, to look at life in the context of a bigger picture. dabbling in science and various religions such as buhhdism(which is a go big or go home kind of deal you can halfass that ive realized after talking to various buhhdists).

i was raised as a christian but was very influenced by science(we are just chemical being in an ocean of meaningless chaos). but i have sacrificed many things in the name of science such as my will to live. of course the age old question remains, what is the point without a certain god? i also miss my sense of belonging, to an idea place or time. i dont even want to get out of bed in the morning and go to college anymore, just slave away my time at a crappy job and smoke weed.

thats not me. i remember what life used to be like with a sense of purpose, of validity and it was beautiful. id say the biggest thing that i have given up is my ability to create. whats the point of art it nothing in this universe has validity? art is a very social human phenomena that requires(to me atleast) a sense of purpose and connection with people.

i just want to look at another person and believe were real and connect with them, with myself, with time and purpose. not just say "oh well were just chemical illusions it doesnt matter". my mind cant handle the shackles of the blank reason of a pointless void. my brain just does not have the cognitive functions to handle that, im a muse.

i think a lot of people who say they are athiests dont really feel the full extent of it, and that makes me angry, because i feel like a lot of them live in a fantasy world of rebellion, that atheism is a manifestation of their sense of rebeliion to whatever they detest. real athiesm is suffocating the the human psyche. i mean, we have a chemical spot in our brains that creates god, to counteract our wandering cognitive thoughts of what we are in this universe.

i dont know if i can commit to a religion though. I just cant believe in it. but i think i want to i just dont know at this point.

thanks for the help

Do you have to have a medical condition to buy one? Where can i get one? Any site on the internet? Do they have a specific name?

Its the little device people hold right under their jaw, they hold the button and it makes a robotic sounding voice effect.

Do you have to have a medical condition to buy one? Where can i get one? Any site on the internet? Do they have a specific name?

Its the little device people hold right under their jaw, they hold the button and it makes a robotic sounding voice effect.