Jonathan V

I squirt a some Fairy liquid on my cat 'Snowball' then put her in the toilet, pull the chain, drop the lid and leave her for ten minutes. She makes a lovely job of cleaning the toilet and believe this gives her a purpose in life and self respect shown by the way she wags her tail and licks me. Has anyone got any other ideas for making pets useful and happy members of the Big Society.

I asked my equally hungover wife why the sock and she said 'well last night before you fell asleep you asked me to cook your sock.'

Ireland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon outside Limerick. Local search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

They get some chickens and plant them in the ground, headfirst. When all the chickens die, the farmers are somewhat confused, but they don't give up.

They get some more chickens, but these are planted feet-first. It takes a little longer, but eventually the second batch of chickens die, too.

They decide to write a letter to the Polish agriculture bureau. In the letter they explain in detail the procedures they have followed and their disappointing results. A few weeks later

they receive this reply from the bureau: "Before we can advise you, please send us a soil sample."

in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder" he said.

"I don't have any parrots at the moment , but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places , poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot . Just as realistic and easily controlled."

"Are you sure a stuffed parrot would be OK ? " asked the customer " I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible ."

" I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine " said the pet shop owner " I have one at home . I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it ".

" Sorry " said the customer " I can't make it on Thursday . That's the day I'm having my leg cut off ."

The shop owner points to 3 identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs £500.00".

"Why does that one cost so much?" asked the shopper.

The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."

The man then asks about the next parrot and was told that this one costs £1,000.00 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs £2,000.00.

Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

The pet shop owner explained that the strings attached to it's legs were to signal it to sing.

By pulling on the left string, the parrot sang Jingle Bells.

By pulling on the right string, the parrot sang White Christmas.

The woman asked "what would happen if I pulled both strings at once?"

The parrot replied "I'd fall of my perch!"

Looking down the garden sure enough there's a parrot sitting on its perch.

Chuckling to himself at the sign and the parrot there on it's perch he opens the gate and walks into the garden.

He gets as far as the parrot's perch when suddenly it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!''

Last week we decided to try and get her off it by replacing the coke with curry powder.

Came home tonight and found her in a Korma!

He is now known as S.

I told her she could have no honey for a month. Then she trod on a butterfly and killed it so I said 'no butter for a month'.

I then trod on a cockroach and killed it.

Charlotte said 'shall I tell mom or you!'

Then I find out yesterday that all this time my wife has been suffering from acute asthma.

The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

I join in with all cultural celibrations as an excuse to imbibe down the pub. Will be taking a bag of falafels with me. Cheers.

In that case should not anyone who names their children Mohammed, or take the name, face 40 lashes?

When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.

Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,“Don’t worry. Someday your prints will come”.

The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground.

He stretches and goes to look out of the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words “President Clinton sucks” written in pee in the snow.

Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn’t care what it takes, but he wants to know who did this.

The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. “Ok,” says Clinton,“give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news.”

The Chief says: “The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is.” Clinton nods and the Chief continues: “The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore.”

This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news. The Chief of Security swallows and says, “It’s in Hillary’s hand writing.”

One day, Quasimodo decides that he wants to go on a holiday so he asks his brother if he'd look after the bells at Notredame for a week.

Quasimodo leads him up to the belfry. "The bell-cords rotted through years ago," he says, " so I have to ring the bells from up here."

"Well," says Quasi, "I run at the bells, and hit them with my head like this...". bashing the nearest bell with his forehead which makes a beautiful loud ring.

After a few demonstrations, the brother decides to have a go. He runs up towards a bell, smacks his head against it and it makes a lovely ring but unfortunately it also gives him concussion. He staggers around the belfry for a moment before falling out down to the pavement below. As Quasimodo peers over the edge he can see a crowd of people gathering around the scene.

"Who is it?" says one.

"I'm not sure, but the face rings a bell," says another.

"Yes - he's a dead ringer for Quasimodo," says a third.

"No. I think it's his brother," says the second person, "I had a hunch he was back."