chidambaram k

Good Advice

1. Never test the depth of the water with both feet!!!

2. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple car payments!!

3. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day!!

4. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works!!

5. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it!!

6. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield!!

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket!!

8. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything!!

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!!

10. If you lend somebody $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it!!

Dear God

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted $95.00 in taxes.

2 9 3 1 8 4 3 6 5 7

What is the next term in the sequence ?

London

Canberra

New Delhi

New York

Cemetery Walk

One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

1. How can you eat an egg without breaking its shell?

2. How can you keep a rooster from crowing on Monday morning?

3. If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather?

4. In what way are the letter "A" and noon the same?

5. What did Ben Franklin say when he discovered that lightning was electricity?

A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.

He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

1. How many peas are there in a pint?

2. How do you spell "WE" with two letters without using the letters W & E?

3. Can you spell very happy with 3 letters?

4. At what time most people go to the dentist?

5. How can you prove that a horse has six legs?

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I am recently widowed, “she explained. “I am afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we will be gone at first light”.

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?”

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay her a visit?

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did.”

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, 'Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'"

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What's are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

1. What is called the study of languages?

2. What is called the study of colours?

3. What is the largest lake in the world?

4. Painted Lady is a type of insect. Is it Right or Wrong?

5. Tea Rose Flower Plant. is a tea plant. Is it Right or Wrong?

A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?"

The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.

Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars.

The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she asks him for three hundred dollars.

"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"

The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."