Lord Faversham-Shaftsworthy

Whilst feeling a little lonely on the Faversham-Shaftsworth estate HRH Lady Deborah Faversham-Shaftsworthy longed for a little fury companion to walk the grounds of the estate.

However, whilst in our efforts to find said companion we came across the Lucian Beast, a small bundle of fur, he was described by a member of the lower orders as being a cross between Husky and Mountain dog, so taking the Lucian Beast from his life of grime we gave him a loving home and walked him upon the grounds of the manor, well that was until the postman attempted to deliver parcels, we found said postal deliveries strewn along the lawns accompanied by the occasional left foot and odd finger. fearing the Lucian Beast had been poisoned due to the consumption of one of the working class i had the veterinary look at him, it was then the veterinary described the Lucian Beast as Husky cross mountain dog crossed Werewolf Lycan, now i am in the thinking that the veterinary has no idea what he is talking about as the Lucian beast all 103kg of him is loving and gentle to myself and Lady Deborah, its just the lower orders he eats, now should i seek medical help for him or just allow him to carry on eating...please advise.

His Royal Highness the 3rd Duke of Pomfery has asked that we house his fifth illegitimate son the 8th Earle of Pomfery twice reserved Ruprecht Dashington-Blithe for three weeks whilst they have guests. however we have been warned that he is such a buffoon it is not advised to allow him from his shackles and cage. now one was rather miffed as it is widely known that the Faversham-Shaftsbury lake although being dark and sludge like has been known to cure all manner of illness such as witch healing and plague carrying, although they all died it is still renowned to have cured the village idiot of his ills as he has now stopped drooling, so should i allow Ruprecht to take the waters in a hope he may be cured, or retain his shackles in the east wing. please advise.

The hired help and lower orders of the manor estate wish to purchase me a small gift as a gesture of their subservience's, my man Bagthorpe has suggested a 16th century oak dresser, but it has been mentioned they wish to purchase one of those American antique MDF pine dressers in stead.

one does not wish to appear ungrateful so how may one persuade the lower orders to my way of thinking to purchasing the more expensive item. please advise.

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.

"But a man is sitting on the well!"

last night i caught my man Bagthorpe talking in his sleep after downing the brass cleaner, in his moment of stuperism he let it slip that he is 103 years of age.

now i am not a selfish person and am aware that he complains daily with regards to his apparent arthritic hips, knees back and virtually every bone in his body, but should he complain about his aches pains and ailments whilst carrying logs for the fire if he has lied about his age in the first place.

as i have said i am not a selfish person, and allow him to work 15 hours a day 7 days a week, i even pay him now and again, but one does think the boundaries have been pushed a little.

so should one let him go and deduct wages accordingly....please advise

I appear to have been the victim of a deception spanning the globe, for many years now more than I can remember Daddy Faversham Shaftsworthy has been there for me, advising me on every day important issues as to which flogging birch to use, how many of the hired help to sack on Christmas eve, how much to embezzle from the staff pension fund etc etc and so forth.

However Daddy Faversham Shaftsworthy has not been seen for the past two days so I looked into his chambers which he keeps locked to be astonished and aghast at what I found, I would appear he has been sporting a false moustache since I was born. Further more I have found documentation stating that my name Faversham Shaftsworthy has been taken from my mothers side. I confronted my great aunt E and she confirmed that my real father is of the aristocracy and due to his position in society a deception was required, however every one is keeping stum as to whom Daddy really is, how can I find out who my Daddy is…sob…tear…drink of Calvo…sob..please advise.

As a sign of Christmas cheer and good will I have decided to forgo the use of the pay as you go lock on the staff toilet door for the entire period of Christmas eve. This is to show my kindness and good spirit to all the hired help so that they can appreciate that their Lord and master is capable of showing compassion , and I know this is a subject close to their harts. And this small gift of appreciation to them is for their hard work, well almost hard work, well some of them could work harder, well ok all of the slovenly wretches need to work harder is not a ruddy holiday camp and all that. Any way as we are in a recession and water bills getting higher I have decided to increase the cost of the pay as you go lock entry fee from 20p to £3.00 per minute. As from Christmas day. Do you think £3.00 per minute is satisfactory of should I increase it to £4.00 per minute. Please advise.

The other day Lady D and i took luncheon at one of those commoner establishments known as a Toby Carvery, the local wench woman served our meal with a tankard of meed and failed to curtsy in our Presence, now the issue it this, the meal in itself was almost satisfactory and the meed ale pleasant enough but apparently it is not the done thing to flog ones wench servant in these establishments for failing to kneel, so i would like to ask, when did the silly law come into effect and as i am a Lord does it effect my statutory rights to flog whom ever i wish...please advise

Hypothetically speaking and all that, would it be ok to flog the ruddy useless hired help I appear to hypothetically have. You see hypothetically they are the laziest bunch of lower ordered inbred layabouts I have ever clapped my eyes on. They hypothetically work 19 hour shifts, seven days a week and I even hypothetically allow them to use the toilet during their hypothetical shifts. However their hypothetical productivity is not as efficient as the stable boy smith (8) he hypothetically has no problems but these other hypothetical elderly layabouts are useless, I mean for gods sake at eighty three years of age these old codgers should be eager to work for their food hypothetically.

Should I hypothetically look at other private nursing homes for hired help or what?

Hypothetically please advise?

my chum "BIFFY" has had this terrible rash for the last five weeks and the smell it gives off is something aw full, you see he had an evening of indiscretion with an unfortunate looking young lady, and as such picked up a rather nasty looking rash on his..well...unmentionables.

i took him to to professor Jacobson VDM who passed out due to the unfortunate odour and as such have not been able to find a cure, great aunt E has made a poultice but it does not seem to be shifting.

what can we do, normal doctors are out of the question as they seem to faint, please advise.

I have only one, but some times two.

It is full but empty.

It is blue but has no colour.

it is clear but foggy.

once it is made it cannot be changed.

what is it ?

Could any one answer this question ?

I am Blue but not Green, i am clear but not see through, i have five but only use nine, i have three long ones and six shorter ones, i am long but short, many have two but all want one, What am i....please answer ?

Could any one answer this question ?

I am Blue but not Green, i am clear but not see through, i have five but only use nine, i have three long ones and six shorter ones, i am long but short, many have two but all want one, What am i....please answer ?

Could any one answer this question ?

I am Blue but not Green, i am clear but not see through, i have five but only use nine, i have three long ones and six shorter ones, i am long but short, many have two but all want one, What am i....please answer ?

Could any one answer this question ?

I am Blue but not Green, i am clear but not see through, i have five but only use nine, i have three long ones and six shorter ones, i am long but short, many have two but all want one, What am i....please answer ?

Could any one answer this question ?

I am Blue but not Green, i am clear but not see through, i have five but only use nine, i have three long ones and six shorter ones, i am long but short, many have two but all want one, What am i....please answer ?

Could any one answer this question ?

I am Blue but not Green, i am clear but not see through, i have five but only use nine, i have three long ones and six shorter ones, i am long but short, many have two but all want one, What am i....please answer ?

Could any one answer this question ?

I am Blue but not Green, i am clear but not see through, i have five but only use nine, i have three long ones and six shorter ones, i am long but short, many have two but all want one, What am i....please answer ?

Could any one answer this question ?

I am Blue but not Green, i am clear but not see through, i have five but only use nine, i have three long ones and six shorter ones, i am long but short, many have two but all want one, What am i....please answer ?

Could any one answer this question ?

I am Blue but not Green, i am clear but not see through, i have five but only use nine, i have three long ones and six shorter ones, i am long but short, many have two but all want one, What am i....please answer ?