Shemp Howard

I am a person that legitimately doesn t care about race. When I see someone, I see them as a person, it doesn t mean I don t know they re black but it means I could care less and it s an afterthought. This has been called racist by some of my black friends. Why?? I think someone in history said "someday we will be judged not by the color of our skin, but the content of our character". Who said that? Must have been Robert Byrd or some horrible racist. My point is, isn t it counter productive to complain about color blindness and you re just creating more racism??

This disgusts me. If you re white and think your skin color makes you better than a black person, you re a racist piece of ****. If you re black and think your skin color makes you better than a white person, you re also a racist piece of ****. Reverse racism implies hatred against white people is okay and justified. Racism is thinking one race is superior to another, so why isn t it just "racism"? It seems to me the term reverse racism is made up by black people and white guilt invertabrates as just another cushion for black people to do no wrong and pretend that blacks can never be hurtful, offensive, or racist no matter what they do. This simply isn t true. I want to know what the logic behind this is. Also, black people claim to be tougher than white people, but get more butt hurt about words, but that s none of my business.

I don t ask this to be sarcastic or hurtful. I m genuinely curious. I see people say "I can t imagine how hard it would be to be black today" and stuff like that, but what do they really face that s different from a white family of the same class? It looks to me like blacks don t have true oppression anymore and most of it seems to be their own fault, so I m just asking to get a better understanding of what PRECISELY organizations like blm are trying to accomplish. Please give an actual educated answer, not some bandwagon "oh check your privilege, whites don t know what struggle is, blacks are the only workers in America" bullshit.

Okay, so read my whole story please! My gf died a year ago. But before she died, she and I used to sit on the love seat in the corner of my room. I no longer sit there, it's too painful. Anyway, one night I was watching TV on my sofa and my cat, Professor Blanket, was staring at the seat, wide eyed and yowling. I thought nothing of this, although a little freaked out, but kept going on. Everyday I did this and sometimes would hear noises in the house and the seat would have an indentation in it. So this kept going for a few months when Professor Blanket hissed as a pillow flew at me, and I realized something. Something horrifying. Something that chills my spine to this day. I don't have a cat.

Okay, this year, there's this girl I love very much and I want to get her a good valentines day present. Okay, I've thought of this a long time, and I've come up with a great one. I'm going to get her a picture of me in a suit, looking at the camera. It will have my signature and a message that says "you're welcome, you get to have me". Now isn't this the greatest idea you've ever heard?

HOW I HAVE SAX? IS IT WITH A GURL?

Hi, I'm a huge Office fan, I've seen every episode about 10 times. I've just wanted to know where The Nard Dog went to college. I don't think the show ever clears it up and Andy doesn't talk that much about it. I think it might be Dartmouth College, but I'm not sure.

I think it's Count Orlock from Nosferaru! I know Dracula has more swag, but does he really haves mor sweg than Nosferatu? Which vampire do you think haz sweg?

How long must I cook this turkey before it boils?

Okay, so my wife and I had a girl a few years ago, named Nosferatu, and she is becoming a beautiful girl. Anyway, I'm an architect and my point is, that I was designing a statue and was unable to think of any ideas. I was completely lost until I saw her playing with blocks. She had arranged them in such a way that it caused me to think of the perfect idea of how to construct it. I gave the papers to my boss, and he loved it, so they started building right away. So I have to ask, who really deserves the credit for the erection of the statue, my daughter or me?

Homosexual, even?

I just purchased a text book that I required from my college bookstore. I want to return it after I rent it, for hopes that some of the copious amount of money I paid for it can be returned. The only problem is that the book is non returnable if shrink wrap is broken. This may sound like a juvenile question, but does that mean if I open it in anyway the book becomes mine permanently with no hope of returning it, or is there a method of removing the book from the shrink wrap without breaking the shrink wrap?

In the same vein, is it illegal for children to look up child porn, animals to look up bestiality, gay people to look up gay porn, or walruses to look up carrots? I'm not interested in these things at all, I just want to know.

Because I swear I just saw him at a Slayer concert!

Or is she an urban legend invented to scare young twerkers?

Okay, my girlfriend and I had amazing sex last night. It was so awesome I caused her lady parts to bleed! The next morning, she told me that she had just lost her virginity last night. I felt really bad and tried thinking of places where she might have lost it, so I could help her find it and give it back to her. I already tried questioning the bartender who was with us at the bar last night. I told him my girlfriend had just lost her virginity and asked if he had seen her lose it and if he knew where it was. He just shot me a look and walked away. I've asked a few other people as well, such as her doctor, friends, pastor, and father. I just was met with askew looks and the father punched me. I feel so bad because she talked about how special it was and I would feel so great if I could return it to her. Maybe we could have terrific sex again. Does someone have any idea of where she might have lost it or if it was stolen, does anyone know who stole it so I can take her virginty back from him, and who knows, even take his virginity! Thanks for your help!

My wife and I are having an argument on what to name our newborn baby. It's really tearing us apart. We are having a girl and she has these names that are incessantly stupid like her. They are Rhonda, Gladys, and Jamie. These names would get her beat up in kindergarten. Wait though, until you hear my names, you might want to sit down. They are Satan, Nosferatu, and C'thulu. These names are charming and would assure instant success in her life. Now tell me: who is right and which name would you choose?

Changing her shower curtains from red to blue. I don't know if this was a good choice because her bathroom is green. Will it clash with the rest of the room?

I don't know why, the band themselves are not that bad, though Stairway to Heaven is the worst piece of bile ever put into existence. It could be their fanboys, because every time one of their fanboys creams their pants at the mere mention of their name and start to say they are the greatest band ever, I want to punch them in the face. I don't like them or dislike them, but I love classic rock, so don't pull the "if u don't lik Zep, u don't lik classik rok, lulz" on me. I kind of want to know why people like them so much.