hi_its_bryan

I cannot figure out where I left my 30 gallon hot sauce maker. I looked all the usual places..in the toilet, under the salt shaker, inside my cough medicine bottle, inside my hairbrush, etc..but it isn't there. Where else should I look? I cannot imagine living if I cannot make 30 gallons of hot sauce per day!

I hear voices...sometimes the voices tell me to shave all 7 of my noses and sing soprano in the movie theater while I am serenading the people behind me. I am told to listen to the voices in my head - they are really my psychic powers telling you what to do. My Doctor says so. I hate it when they tell me to sell my 42 foot boat for 42 cents...but orders are orders, so I did. My neighbors love me.

Should I eat cheese and wear a pinata on my head, or should I make out with a lawn tractor and start a family of litterboxes in my shoes?

My lawnchairs are starting a Union, requesting better hours, more breaks, and full access to the liquor bar. I am thinking of just selling them all on ebay and buying new ones, but what if the new ones also start a Union? What's next...a garden tools Union? I am trying to decide if I should just forget it and eat some frozen cat food or pierce my sideburns and build a canal between my house and the Moon...

I met a frozen catfish dinner the other night, and he said as he was walking to work he found a $948 bill lying on the sidewalk, with a note attached instructing him that he had to take it home or it would die. How lucky is that? He is now retired, living in Mississippi, selling used fisherman's underwear to bloated seals over the internet.

I was asked by this 19 foot tall spider if I like to wear guitars on my head, and was told that there will be a 40 foot toilet built in the Pacific Ocean in 3 years. I was wondering if anyone else has seen this spider? I last saw him inside my left shoe, near the laces, but he caught a plane leaving San Diego about 3 days ago...if you see him, tell him he owes me $50.

My lawnmower has become crazy - at first, it was pretty laid back, and wanted to hang out and such. We even went to the movies sometimes. I talked about replacing it with a riding mower, since I am so lazy. Now it is demanding premium fuel, oil changes all the time, and threatening to shred my hedges if I don't comply. What should I do?

I want to use mayonnaise, not Salad Dressing, as a form of clothing. Some say this is scandalous. Do you agree? Which do I choose - mayo or salad dressing?