The JUDGE

... An epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with the runs?

Well, one shucks between fits...

A piece of string walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer."

The bartender says, "Hey... Aren't you a piece of string?"

The string says, "Yeah..."

The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve string in here."

So the string ducks into the men's room and ties himself over and over, then pulls the fibers at his ends apart until they are all sticking in every direction. Then he goes back to the bar.

He says, "I'd like a beer, please."

The bartender peers at him and says, "Say... Are you a piece of string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm _ ______ ____."

I have tried so many ways and I cannot seem to upload a personal picture as a Yahoo Answers avatar.

A duck walks up to the drugstore counter and says, "I'd like some lipstick, please."

The clerk asks, "Will that be cash or charge?"

The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

What was the silliest, cheapest, or most inappropriate gift you got for Christmas?

I am a guy and I am having dinner with a female friend tonight (non-romantic). We have maintained daily email contact but have not seen each other for over a year. There is no occasion other than the simple act of getting together. I'd like to get her a little something as a token of "glad to see you". A couple of other acquaintances will also be in attendance, but I probably would not bring gifts for them. I'd give this gift to my friend privately, probably after we have dinner as a group.

Any suggestions?

And what was the name of the Warner Bros cartoon that it was in? I would pay a zillion bux to get a copy of it from somewhere.

I had to euthanize her yesterday. She could no longer walk or eat. I held off until I was sure she would not be recovering. It was the hardest decision I have ever made.

She was never a pet. She was my best friend. She was a source of unconditional love, a pure little spark of light in the gloom of my life. I got her when I was little more than a kid and now with a gray beard I am burying her.

How can I ever get past this grief so that I may celebrate her life?

(Please don't recommend another animal, as I have decided that she is the last for me.)

Ever worry about sneezes, arm hair, lost contact lenses, ABC gum...?

Chemistry? Eclectic taste? What moves you?

I am considering the purchase of a used T42P. I believe it is a late '04 or early '05 model. Comes with the standard factory processing and vid cards, but with some add'l memory and storage. I would use it for household surfing, online purchases, light gaming, email, and storage of fiction docs that I write. Seller wants $325 USD. Is this a good deal? What are some pros and cons for the T42P?

I am leaning toward a hefty wad of cash as a gift for a wedding in which I am the best man. The newlyweds will be paying for the entire wedding themselves, so I figure money will help. Does such a gift seem insensitive or impersonal?

I am the best man at a good friend's wedding in two weeks. The wedding will be small and intimate, but catered. It is his third marriage, her first. I know what things he likes, but I have no idea what his fiance likes. What gift would be appropriate?

After only ten months together, my ex used to answer my every objection to her expectations with, "That's what couples do!" Is there a common set of accepted rules for how a "couple" should behave? How long before these rules kick in? Amount of time spent together, whose friends to see, who buys dinner, etc...