leedsmikey

OK people. I have to give a speech at my best mates 50th Birthday party.

What's the best joke you've got about turning 50?

My wife is a nurse here. If anyone knows Chris Hopkins then buy him a beer and see me for the cash.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/leeds/content/articles/2007/1...

Have you ever sat on a plane, next to an irritating seatmate who keeps

talking to you and snooping at everything you are reading?

Next time just follow these simple instructions, and get ready to

enjoy your well-earned privacy:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop and open it.

3. Start up.

4. Make sure the annoying guy can clearly see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky - take a very deep

breath

6. Click on the following web address:

http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

7. Watch him **** his pants

The other day I asked my wife to tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She said:

"You've got a bigger dick than your brother"

We are off to Santorini next week, staying at Sideris Studios.

Anyone been there? Are they any good? Any tips?

Thanks

I'm 6' 7" (2.006m) anyone taller?

A newly wed returns from honeymoon and goes to see her doctor.

Having been a virgin until her wedding night she says

“Doctor can you tell me what that dangly thing is between my husbands legs?”

The doctor is a bit taken aback and says “ Well, it’s his penis”

“Oh” says the girl. “Well what’s all that black fluffy stuff round it?”

“Pubic hair” replies the doc.

“Well what’s that purple thing at the end of it?” She asks.

“That’s the crown or head of his penis” He tells her.

“Well what are those 2 round pink things about 12” from the crown?”

“Well” says the doctor. “I don’t know about your husband but in my case

The cheeks of my ar se”

A brand new lady of the evening had just finished her first client. When she came back down to the street corner, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

"Well, he was a big muscular and handsome sailor." she said.

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She replied, "I told him that a straight lay was £100, but he said he didn't have that much. So I told him that oral would be £75, but he didn't have that much either."

"Finally I said, well how much do you have? The sailor said that he only had £25. So I told him for £25 all I can do is service you by hand."

"He agreed and after getting the finance straight, he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand."

"Oh my god!" they all said" It must have been huge!!. Then what did you do?"

"I lent him £75!" she said.

I wnt to Elland Road on Saturday and spent £35 million in the Leeds United shop. When I got home I realised I had overspent and that my cheque would bounce so rang Ken Bates to explain. I offered him a penny in the pound but he said no so I upped my offer to 8p in the pound and he told me not to be so blooody stupid. I would have thought that he, of all people, would think this was a fair offer. Where did I go wrong?

We've had quite a few to choose from (Ferdinand, Smith, Hasselbaink) but for Leeds I would have to say that Lee Bowyer was our biggest turncoat.

Remember how Leeds stood by him after he was accused of being a racist thug then he upped and went to West Ham.

So who is your biggest Judas?

Master bedroom in an average semi.

One wall will have 2 robes and an over bed bridging cupboard and one wall will have just a wardrobe.

(and can you recommend someone in Leeds area)

OK so this is the second time I've posted this but what the hell!

This is a national disgrace and Tony Blair and his toadies should hang thier heads in shame.

I urge you to sign the petition and tell everyone you know to do the same.

http://www.vchero.co.uk/

Take a look at this (you can even sign the petition if you want)

Doesn't it make you proud to be British.

http://www.vchero.co.uk/

Anyone from / been to Kinross. My missus might have to go on a placement to Rachel House Hospice for a couple of weeks in September. There will be 2 or 3 of them going.

Are there any nice pubs there?

For those of you that missed The Now Show on Friday

Go on to Googlemaps http://maps.google.co.uk/

Click on the "get directions" tab.

As your starting point enter Chicago and make your destination London then hit the enter button.

I was fine with it right up to instruction 20

Anyone up for the challenge?

The yolk of an egg IS white?

Or

The yolks of an egg ARE white?

According to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of

her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the

couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the

public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had

mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and

Out On A Limb, or the 'About Heather' section of her website

www.heathermillsmccartney <http://www.heathermillsmccartney/%3E .com, or

perhaps when she sold her life story to the News of the World in 1993.

Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live her

life out of the constant glare of publicity.

I mean harlmless ones like the ones I posted about a charity search engine.

I've had 4 so far today.

Please answer quick before this one gets shafted.

As suggested by the Proclaimers. Because if you set off from John O'Groats you would only be able to walk 847 miles before you were in the sea.

(I am assuming that, if they were going to see someone they would take a direct route and not zig zag around).

And why does this even bother me?

Fortunately the roads weren't busy and I got to Birmingham in double quick time. Now she's annoyed with me. There's no pleasing some people.