Actual Answer Illuminatus

I was praying on public transportation today and all I could think about was the woman standing in front of me and what I would like to do with her. You know, stuff that God might not approve of like putting my taste buds on a certain button filled with nerve endings. Is this sort of thing normal? Does Jesus make you randy?

Pretty straightforward question. Also does he use it in other places too? Does the carpet match the curtains, as it were? Does he sculpt it into weird shapes like liberty spikes? Probably not, since you'd see some sort of weird bulging.

An internet forum friend posted a youtube video of Paul McCartney's piece of crap Christmas song (I apologize if it is now stuck in your head, but I avoided naming it for that reason) and made it look like a news link. Now it's stuck in my head and I want to punish him. I can's send him to Hell, because that would be letting him off easy.

How should I retaliate?

What is your opinion on Christmas music?

If the account of Genesis is literally true, then how did one man and one woman (Adam and Eve, of course) manage to, all on their own, manage to create the genetic diversity that you see in people nowadays? Considering it was just the two of them, things would have gotten very incestuous very fast, and humanity would have died out pretty quickly.

Oh, and how is this repeated again with Noah and his sons and such?

I would have figured "Evolutionitarian" "atheist God Big Bang" and references to a magical evolution wand would have been an obvious give away.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=201112...

...all life with the Evolution (which is just a theory!) then how come there are fish in lakes? How did they get there? Did Big Bang just magically simultaneously evolve all fish in every lake with his evolution wand? Why are the same species found in different lakes? Huh? And don't give me no crap about rivers, there's lakes with no rivers and yes fish. Did they all evolve feet and walk there? Maybe it was wings and they flew there? Hurble durble.

We all see this all the time, don't we? "Evolution is just some theory." (You know, like Gravitation)

Yes, evolution is a theory. Can you tell me what a theory is, and how it differs from a hypothesis?

Then can you tell me how the both of those differ from "a half-baked idea with nonsense and wild conjecture as its main ingredients"?

Just curious if you can. I'm trying to see if we can come to some consensus on how to define already defined concepts in the English language.

I'm just curious.

Do you identify as Libertarian? If so, are you enrolled as a member of the Libertarian Party or some other party like the GOP? If you're in the GOP, why have you chosen to identify as a Libertarian instead of a Republican? Do you vote for Republicans consistently? And finally, do you consider yourself Right-Libertarian or Left-Libertarian?

about people trying to convert them when they are the worst proselytizers in the world?

"People think my religion is incorrect and are trying to change my beliefs! Why do they do that? Anyway, I'm going to go door to door with one other Mormon, since we always travel in twos but never sit next to each other on the bus and go and try and convert people to Mormonism, because their religions are incorrect, and will in no way be offended like I am."

And why do they always travel in twos and ignore each other on the bus?

I've been playing for more than half my life at this point and never really had too much of a problem with string breakage until I started gigging. And I'm gigging frequently now, so it's getting to be a real pain. I restrung my primary guitar 2 and a half weeks ago and a string broke on me. I'm not on some extensive tour, so this is not really expected- I imagine that they should by and large still have a 4-6 week life span. I was wondering if any other guitarists out there could offer some suggestions. I use Ernie Ball strings- .010s for my six strings, but I also use a 7 and a 12 string. I play hard rock/heavy metal and use heavy picks. Any suggestions on what I should change?

I just did for my thirtieth birthday. And I'm irate as hell. So, R&S, spiritually speaking, how did you get through the first week of being an angry jerk who wants to break stuff?

Advising me to pray to your god is going to make me angrier and jerkier. I just want to hear your stories.

See Fireball's answer to this. It genuinely confused me. Christians, weigh in!

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=201108...

So, Jewish people and Christians that are interested in rebuilding the Temple. Is the priesthood going to reinstitute the sacrifices? Does "G-d" really need to be pleased by the smell burning bull flesh, or, is he ok with a regular synagogue service?

What is the method that makes you Methodists?

Also, for fun, what is the method you use to go grocery shopping? Do you go down the isles one by one, or do you grab a list and bounce around the isles and grab what you need? Or do you combine the both and make the list in order of the isles? Personally, I just walk up and down the isles. It insures I don't forget anything.

So, I just saw an answer that said that the fall of man is a misnomer because Adam and Eve were in a spiritual realm and entered a physical realm.

Do you agree with this statement, that Eden was a spiritual realm? And that they were banished to the physical world where they would have to toil and suffer death?

If you do agree with this statement, is it possible that God chose to send these sinful souls into a humanoid body, which evolved through, well, evolutionary processes, on a planet formed from the ashes of a supernova of a star formed by the Big Bang?

Might this be a suitable explanation for Genesis that allows you to be in agreement with what we have discovered through science? What are your thoughts?

I don't belong to an Abrahamic religion, if you were wondering.

So, every time this question gets asked, I give the following answer, or some variation of it:

A Christian is someone who believes that Jesus of Nazareth was the promised Jewish messiah who died for humanity's salvation from sin and death.

Then, I proceed to get thumbs down until it gets lumped invisibly at the bottom of the screen. This is the basic objective definition of a Christian with no snarkiness thrown in. So why does it always get such a low rating if it is spot on? Do Christians think that not believing that Jesus was the messiah is enough to be a Christian? Or do they take offense that I can sum up the basic idea of their religion in a sentence?

Genuinely curious.

Good morning R&S- I'm going a little crazy at this time and I'm in the process of getting referred to a specialist who's probably going to give me drugs and talk therapy. The counselor I spoke to says it sounds like depression, so to lift me up in the meantime, could you suggest some funny but heavy songs about going crazy? It'll be good for the soul. Remember, they have to be humorous.

PS- I'm not going to pray to Jesus, so leave that bit out please. It will only agitate me more.

Why is it that every time I go to a karaoke bar, any karaoke bar, there are always 3 drunk college girls (different ones each time!) who insist on doing "Don't Stop Believing"? It's always 3 girls too. I don't get it. Could someone enlighten me on this mystery?

Apparently, the Freemasons won't accept my membership even though I haven't applied for it yet:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=201010...

Why is that? Maybe I'd be better off just going to their recruiting website instead of dealing with people who think I'm not sincere about joining a society that help shaped America and engages in charity.

I'm thinking of joining the Freemasons. I missed the open house on Saturday, but I figured I would come here and ask a couple of questions-

I knew a Freemason awhile back and he used to always bring a tux to work with him and change into it just before he left for a lodge meeting. Is the tux required? If it is, do you guys get discounts at tux places?

I know that I have to believe in some sort of deity in order to be eligible. Does it still count if I believe that God is insane and usually best not triffled with?

One more thing, I don't believe in the Biblical God, is it ok if I take my oaths on the Principia Discordia?

Thanks for your help, and am really exited about the idea of becoming a Freemason.