clatsop94

I strongly suspect (as do a majority of Americans) that Barack Obama is actually Massachusetts Senator and former Presidential candidate John Kerry.

On Election Night '04, John Kerry realized he would lose the election, and momentarily considered suicide. However, an idea grew within his mind and he quickly searched for a way to pull it off. Suddenly, he heard a sound in the backalley behind his campaign headquarters. He stepped outside and saw a couple of homeless guys fighting over a slice of pizza from the dumpster. In a moment of pure genius, he paid the two bums $1000 a week in exchange for "a small service for the state of Massachusetts and the Nation", as he said it. In minutes, he, John Edwards, and the two hobos were under a plastic surgeon's scapel as the greatest trick ever played on the United States unfolded.

After the surgery, the four men looked very different: the two hobos looked exactly like John Edwards and John Kerry, while Edwards looked like an old guy and Kerry had taken on the appearance of a 43 year old black male. The two bums were rushed back to the campaign headquarters as W. and Cheney defeated Kerry.

Kerry and Edwards now turned their attention to two politicians: Barack Obama, a wanna be orthodonist, and Joe Biden, aka Senator Bozo the Clown. Kerry and Edwards arranged for the two senators to be kidnapped and they immediately took over their roles.

During the next four years, Barack Obama (aka John Kerry) served as the junior Senator from Illinois; Joe Biden (aka John Edwards) served as Delaware's senior Senator; homeless guy #1 served in the Senate as John Kerry; homeless guy #2, thrilled to learn of Edwards' many mistresses, impregnated one of Edwards' campaign workers; and old Joe and Barry withered away in cells located in the caverns deep beneath Capitol Hill.

In 2008, the trap was set. Obama (Kerry) was first required to eliminate his competitors, Hillary Clinton and John Edwards (aka Homeless Guy #2.) Edwards (Bum 2) was pissed off after Kerry reduced his cash flow and ran for President to mess up Obama (Kerry.) Unfortunately for Edwards

(Bum #2), his adopted image crashed after his little misadventure was born and so Kerry had only Hillary to destroy.

Surprisingly to Kerry, Democrats seemed to prefer an old bitchy First Lady offering handouts to a young, charismatic black male Senator offering handouts and it seemed for a moment as if his beautiful plans were crashing to the ground; in a fortunate turn of events, Clinton learned of Obama's (Kerry) true identity when a naked, stoned John Kerry (Homeless Guy #1) approached her and asked for a smoke and she made the connection. Kerry blackmailed Clinton, threatening to release evidence of her real estate scams, and so she left the race.

Now uncontested, Obama (Kerry) announced Biden (Edwards) as his VP and together, the two took advantage of voters' stupidy, paranoia, and insecurity to surge to victory over a long-serving Senator and war hero. Then, just this year, he repeated the feat by crushing an experienced businessman

and winning another 4 years in office.

Now that I've revealed the truth, I fear lest the Secret Service shall infiltrate my quarters and cancel my life with a swift bullet.

Please, write your comments below

I'm writing a critical essay on Hamlet. I want to build on Horatio's statement that "something is rotten in the state of Denmark" and focus on the decay within the main characters. Can you help me out?

If President Obama were assassinated or forced to resign, what would be the aftermath?

How would the nation react and would it be more dramatic than the Kennedy assassination?

What would be the political consequences for the Democrats and GOP?

In the unlikely event that Obama dies or resigns, Joe Biden would ascend to the White House. How would the nation react? How would Obama voters feel? After all, a vote for Obama was also a vote for Biden.

According to his son, Mitt Romney never really wanted to be President.

How do you interpret that?

In case you don't know, there was 1982 Saturday Night Live skit called "Larry the Lobster", where Eddie Murphy asked viewers to call in and vote whether they wanted Larry to live or die.

Is Larry the Lobster in Spongebob Squarepants named after the SNL skit?

How would liberals and Democrats react if Romney had won the election and he were being inaugurated tomorrow? Would there be protests? How would the Media react? Would security at the event be more intense?

Who, in your opinion, is the BEST president of all time? Please explain.

(And, as with my previous question, do not say Bush or Obama. Not enough time has passed for the effects of either administration to be fully realized.)

Rumor has it that former Salt Lake mayor Rocky Anderson and disgruntled members of the Justice Party are going to attempt a coup tomorrow in order to create a new nation known as Rockyland. Anderson would then move the capital to Salt Lake City and appoint disgruntled, angry ex-Mormons to his cabinet.

In the aftermath of Mitt Romney's loss, some Republicans are lamenting that he would have won if he had chosen Marco Rubio as his running mate, and many are even tossing around the ridiculous assertion that Rubio would have attracted Latino votes (O'Reilley and Hannity have even supported this fallacy.)

Do you agree with my opinion on why Republicans avidly believe that a Rubio ticket would draw Latino voters?

Policies aside, some Republicans seem to think, for whatever moronic reason, that Latinos would vote for Rubio because of his "race." Latinos are not a race, but rather a broad cultural group. Marco Rubio is White; he is not a member of a minority any more than Italians, Russians, or Swedes are minorities.

Furthermore, many people seem to either forget or are unaware that "Latino" is essentially a synonym for "Mexican." The statement may seem politically incorrect or offensive, but it's true; two-thirds of Latinos are Mexican-Americans and most things, such as a food, music, etc. that's associated with Latinos is probably of Mexican origin. So, exactly why would many Latinos of Mexican heritage (who are predominately Democratic, anyway) feel compelled to vote for a conservative Cuban-American Republican?

In the aftermath of Mitt Romney's loss, some Republicans are lamenting that he would have won if he had chosen Marco Rubio as his running mate, and many are even tossing around the ridiculous assertion that Rubio would have attracted Latino votes (O'Reilley and Hannity have even supported this fallacy.)

Do you agree with my opinion on why Republicans avidly believe that a Rubio ticket would draw Latino voters?

Policies aside, some Republicans seem to think, for whatever moronic reason, that Latinos would vote for Rubio because of his "race." Latinos are not a race, but rather a broad cultural group. Marco Rubio is White; he is not a member of a minority any more than Italians, Russians, or Swedes are minorities.

Furthermore, many people seem to either forget or are unaware that "Latino" is essentially a synonym for "Mexican." The statement may seem politically incorrect or offensive, but it's true; two-thirds of Latinos are Mexican-Americans and most things, such as a food, music, etc. that's associated with Latinos is probably of Mexican origin. So, exactly why would many Latinos of Mexican heritage (who are predominately Democratic, anyway) feel compelled to vote for a conservative Cuban-American Republican?

Personally, I don't believe any sane person would commit suicide after something as insignificant as this and I'm absolutely sure the DJs had no idea that someone would even contemplate somethign like that.

Today, the Republican party is divided between Tea Partiers and Libertarians. Perhaps all of the Libertarian Republicans (and Libertarian Democrats) should migrate to the Libertarian Party. Meanwhile, the hardcore environmentalist Democrats would transfer to the Green Party. Would having 4 major parties in an election be better than the current 2-party system? I think voter turnout would be higher if people believed their candidate had a decent shot at the White House.

If the GOP is weakening, could the Libertarian Party have a serious shot at the presidency within the next few elections?

If you voted for Obama, do you like Biden? I'm assuming that there's at least a few of you who would have rather seen Obama pick a new VP.

Seriously, why is she still in office? We learned this year that she leads secret ceremonies where zombies sacrifice lambs and yet, San Francisco voted her back in. What's the deal?

The U.S. has a history of endorsing the overthrow of dictators, only to have the new leaders turn out to be even worse than their predecessors. Egypt is a current example.

Jefferson- Formed from northern California- Republican

California- Formed from central California- Democratic

Mojave- Formed from southern California- Democratic

Cascadia- Eastern Oregon and Washington- Republican

Adirondack- Upstate New York- Swing state

New York- NYC Metro and Long Island- Democratic

Florida- Northern Florida- Republican

Okechobee- The Florida peninsula- Democratic

Superior- Michigans Upper Penninsula- Republican