Soph

I'm a teenager. Admittedly, I have a lot of growing up to do - and it really is the one thing that terrifies me. I stayed home sick from school today and all I did was think and think and think. It has never been a question in my mind - when I finish school, I will move out and go to college. It has never been a question in my parents' minds. I don't ever remember them telling me that this was what was going to happen - I just always knew.

However, I couldn't help but think today - what will I do when I'm sick and there is no one to take care of me? One day this room will not be my room. When my parents eventually pass away, this house will probably be sold. One day, I am not going to call this place home anymore. And it really, really scares me. I don't want to grow up. In 2 short years, I will start college. I will leave home. My mother is not going to have dinner ready on the table for me when I come home. My father won't be there to cheer me up on the bad days.

So I suppose my question is: Is growing up scary? Different to what you expected it to be? And to those of you who are still in school, does the prospect of moving out scare you as much as it scares me? Please tell me I'm not alone in this.

Sometimes I start crying at the thoughts of school. It's not that anyone's bullying me or anything, and I can't even explain what it is I hate about school because it sounds so stupid. I just don't like people looking at me, I always feel like they're judging me (negatively) and talking about me behind my back.

I blush really, REALLY badly if the teacher even asks me a simple question. And I blush around new people, or even if somebody else starts talking about blushing I just go red immediately. It's so embarassing.

I always feel like such a loner because even when I'm standing in a group of people, I always feel detached and separate, like everyone secretly hates me. And even among my friends I'm excluded because some one else always has something much more interesting to say. I'm so awkward around new people, I never know what to say and everything about me just feels awkward and clumsy.

I look at other people and they're so confident and everyone wants to be around them. I get nervous talking to people, even my best friends sometimes, but then I'm upset when I'm left alone. On two occasions I had what I can only describe as a panic attack before going out to a social event.

Is this normal or is it serious?

My best friend and I were one of our deep conversations the other day and it got me thinking.

She believes that everything you do, your whole life, was planned out since before you were born - that we're all part of some master plan. She believes everything happens for a reason. It makes her feel safe.

This kind of thinking scares me. When I think of all the people that die young - was that all planned? Were they literally born to die? I don't like to think we aren't in control of our own lives.

I don't believe everything happens for a reason - more like, every cloud has a silver lining. I think life is what you make it, and we are defined by our choices, even the ones we've missed.

So my question is: does the thought that everything has been already planned scare you or comfort you and why?

What if you lose that something?

I do. I don't like being around people. They don't know what to say and I don't either.

It only will be if you make it so. Otherwise it's just another beautiful day.

Do you realize that tomorrow your best friend could be hit by a bus? Do you know that you won't be this young forever? Do you know that you're not as fat as you think you are? Do you know that you're someone's reason to smile? Do you know that you're loved? Do you know that you're beautiful?

Because if you don't, you're wasting everything you have.

isn't it a good thing to be judged? Just think of all the things you would do if nobody could judge you. I don't think it is a good thing to have to change your complete personality and/or appearance to conform to society...but doesn't this pressure keep a lot of us in order?

I do, every day. It really helps when the going gets tough. I ask myself, will this really matter in the long run? And when the answer is yes, I know I've got a problem that I'll have to learn to deal with. What about you?

I'm 15 and just moved to a new school in September for family reasons. I'm typically a shy person, but I did have a lot of friends before and I'm quite chatty when you get to know me.

It's just...I can't seem to settle down and make friends and I'm starting to get worried. I'm tall and feel awkward all the time. If a teacher asks me a question, I turn bright red for no reason and can't concentrate. If I have to talk to somebody I don't know that well, I can't think of anything to say and just stand there awkwardly.

I'm beginning to dread lunch times because I'm afraid I won't have anyone to talk to. There's one girl I know from middle school, but I was never friendly with her and we only talk to each other for the sake of it, and she has her own friends. When I wake up in the morning, I can't eat anything because I'm too nervous about school. I feel like throwing up a lot of the time. I'm not eating as well as I used to and I'm starting to dislike myself more and more.

I've read stories about self-hating people and I've always thought they were just being melodramatic. But I'm beginning to hate myself. I hate my hair. I hate my height. I hate my teeth. My nose is crooked. I hate the way my chin looks when I smile. The list goes on...

So, I can't really seem to make any friends because I'm just so socially awkward. Is this...normal, in any way? Or am I just weird? Sometimes I pretend to be sick just so I won't have to go to school. Everybody else is counting down the minutes until lunch, but I get a sick feeling in my stomach at the thoughts of it. I'm just so lonely and really having a hard time. Can anyone relate, or does anyone have any advice?

But how do you know that you have completed the "getting worse" stage and are now slowly getting better?

Do you think we experience it for a reason? Or is it just part and parcel of life, pointless as it is, something we all must endure?

You left me in the dark and grey.

You left me with no words to say.

My heart closed up, tried not to feel,

I told myself this can't be real.

Time lost meaning, I lost days

But the pain never goes away,

My torn heart that refused to heal

Was like a gaping wound refusing to seal.

Grief coursed steadily through my veins

Making every second full of pain

I pictured you with your empty face

Past caring as I went to waste.

And finally that day came,

Where your glassy look intensified my pain

Many meaningless words were said,

Many meaningless tears were shed.

I watched you lowered into the ground,

In my grief I nearly drowned,

Then I dragged myself slowly away

Leaving you in the dark and the grey.

-----------------------------

It's a poem about grief and loss and being angry at somebody for dying even though it's not their fault. Can anybody relate to it?

I was back last Friday :( when are you back?

BQ: How old are you? (I'm 15)

BQ2: What grade are you going into? (I've just started sophomore year)

My friend Ella, whom I've known for four years, was over in my house recently. I know it isn't really smart to keep a lot of cash in your house but I had about $150 hidden away in a purse in a book with a false back.

So I came into my room, Ella was crouched down where the book is and jumped up when I came in and hurried out of the room. I went to see what she had been doing and my book was on the floor, false back opened and my money was strewn out across the floor. I counted it and found that only about $15 was missing.

I didn't really care about the money but I was just so shocked and angry. I think Ella's parents have run into some money problems recently, but if she had needed a loan of some money I would've happily given it to her. I was so angry that she stole from me and I confronted her about it. She got really angry and denied taking it, saying that she was just getting money out of her shorts pocket that she had thrown over near the book. Her shorts didn't even have pockets.

I asked her why my book was opened and my purse and she started crying and got really mad, shouting at me and telling me she didn't take anything. She stormed out of the house and now we're not talking.

What should I do? I'd like to talk to her about it. We have so many good memories, but our trust has been totally smashed by this little episode. Should I talk to her? She's not the confronting type so I doubt she'll bring it up with me first. Any suggestions will be much appreciated.

I don't usually come to this section, in fact, this is my first time here. Anyway, I was just browsing through Horoscope questions and there's questions asking if you get on with people of a certain zodiac. I'm sorry, is the first thing you do when you meet a person ask them what starsign they are, and then you're able to predict whether or not you'll get along? If that was the case, well, we'd all know who our enemies are without even talking to them! Wouldn't that be great?

We are all different, are we not? Not every aries has the same characteristics as the next. I don't really feel that it has anything to do with what starsign we were born under. Sorry if I've offended any of you, but could somebody please explain how the stars being a certain way when you were born effects who you are?

Is this always the case?

My attempt:

An ocean - so much to discover, so much to learn

Are you up for the challenge? :)

When you don't want to face anyone or think about your troubles, where do you go and what do you do?

For me personally it would be the swimming pool. I love to swim, and I love how silent it is underwater. Plus if I'm concentrating on my swimming, I don't have time to think about anything else.