jake9364@sbcglobal.net

I have a 2012 vw jetta 2.5 se, I took tire off to paint caliper. When I went to put it back on, almost killed mself trying to hold tire up to get bolts back nto holes. There are no stude sticking out on this vehicles. How can I support tire to align holes so I can insert the bolts? Thanks

what spark plugs should i use for a 2005 hyundai elantra, used ngk for years but now is is running rough, air hose just before throttlr body was bad, replaced runs better, but noe perfect, sent away for Denso plugs, will try thrm. One person said it was a blown head gasket, hope not!

I currently have a bridge connected to my internet dvd player 2nd floor in the living room, but it keeps freezing. The router is in the basement, I want to get a wi-Fi extender. First of all I use a VPN service, so, can I get rid of my bridge, use the WI-FI extender as the bridge and will my VPN service for my PC's still work? Thanks

Can you use the program called TOR if you already pay for a VPN service, will they mess each other up?

The battery on my GO GEAR MUSE is supposed to last 30 Hrs before you have to re-charge it. I charged it overnight and it still only lasts 1 1.2 Hrs. Any ideas? Cust Sve at Phillips told me to donload and install new software that does repairs on the MUSE, did that same results.

1.) A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

3.) TOP TEN LIST OF PUT DOWNS TO MEN

1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.

2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.

3. I always choose chocolate over men. ALWAYS

4. 51% love goddess...49% *****. Care to push your luck?

5. My sexual preference is NO

6. My body is my temple, now get on your knees and pray.

7. It's not the size that counts, it's...no, wait, size does count.

8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.

9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you

can walk all over them forever.

10. Save your breath for you inflatable date.

2.)

1.) Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

"It's okay," he said, "but why won't they let me fart?

2.) An Arizona senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out

of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,

enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-10 pushing the pedal to the

metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,

blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he

floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What

on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to

the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the

Corvette, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a

reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my

wife ran off with an Arizona State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

3.) An elderly couple, John and Betty, are in Texas for the winter. John always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: “Notice anything different about me?”

Betty looks him over and says, “Nope.”

Frustrated, John storms off into the bathroom, strips and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?”

Betty looks up and says, “John, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, John yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, BETTY? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!”

To which Betty replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, John. Shoulda bought a hat.”

1.) A guy was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife

in bed with another man.

“Get over it, buddy,” he said. “It’s not the end of the world.”

“It’s all right for you to say,” answered his buddy. “But what

if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with

your wife?”

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, “I’d break his cane

and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ***.”

2.) So there are two guys walking through the desert, and they happen upon a hole that they can't see the bottom of. So one says to the other, "Let's see how deep it goes."

So they pick up a small rock, and toss it in. No sound. So they get a really big rock, heft it over to the hole, and toss it in. Again, no sound.

So they come across a railroad tie. Now I don't know if any of you have ever been up close and personal with a railroad tie, but they're huge. Anyway, so they toss it down the hole.

And then, out of nowhere a goat comes running and jumps in the hole! "Wow. That was really weird," one says to the other.

A short time later a desert farmer (he grows sand or something) comes walking up and says, "Have you guys seen my goat?"

"Oh, no," says one guy. "It was really strange. I don't know how to tell you this, sir, but your goat just came running out of nowhere and jumped in this hole."

"But that's impossible," says the farmer. "I had him tied to a railroad tie!"

3.) After their 11th child, a couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative, said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

1.) A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a *#@%job?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."

"I've already said No, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..."

"No! I've said NO!"

"My love... Don't be like that..."

At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to *#@% him, I have to *#@% him, or he will come down and give the guy a *#@%j job himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

2.) Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it!

3.)