Sir

So, I recently decided to install a Santa tracker on my roof. However, I tripped over and started falling off of the bloody ladder. Unfortunately for me, my foot got caught between two rungs of the ladder and I was left dangling above the driveway. It felt like my foot had been torn off, but I checked and it hadn't. It took 45 minutes before someone heard me and helped me down. That was a week ago, and MY FOOT STILL BLOODY HURTS! What should I do?

I was trying to make some toast to dip into my coffee when my hand got stuck in the toaster. IT BURNED. I figured out too late how to pop the toast manually and by that time my hands were badly singed and burned. What is the best way to go about dealing with my hand?

My house recently caught fire again. I managed to get out with my laptop, my phone and my pet dog. Five minutes after I had gotten out of the house, I realised that my wallet, as well as my home-made, cardboard safe which contained most of my life savings were still in the house. How the hell can I get my money back? This should teach me to not place candles upside down after I light them for the cool lighting effects. Especially to not go to bed after setting up the candles.

I was installing my new fridge in my 30m pool, I could not softly land the fridge in the deep end so I got impatient and threw it in and damaged the electrical compartment, I plugged the fridge in and jumped in. 30 seconds later I was BURNING!!! the pool was now burning me, can I get a replacement fridge?

I was exercising down at the oval near my house. After maybe half an hour or so, some people came down and started practicing their javelin throwing. One of the nutters thought it would be a good idea to throw his bloody javelin at me, and my bloody leg was impaled. The idiots ran off. I was stuck at the oval for over an hour before someone found and helped me get out of the ground. How do I go about finding these twits?

I keep my goldfish in my pool outside. It seemed like a pretty good idea when I decided to do it, but it recently rained like there was no bloody tomorrow. When I went to feed my fish the next morning, I found out that the pool had over-flowed and the fish were washed all over the garden, where my dogs ate the things. Should I buy more goldfish?

I hired a builder to build me a balcony, but he didn't do a very good job. I know this, because I was standing out on it one evening and it collapsed, resulting in me falling three stories. Can I sue him for the dodgy job and my hospital bills?

Yesterday I heard the phone ringing just as I finished ironing my shirt, I went to answer the phone and I burnt my ear off. I did not know I picked up the iron. How do I iron my shirt now?

Someone told me to shut up, and as a joke a super glued my mouth closed. Now I can't open it. I tried prying my mouth open, but that only tore the skin apart, and it bloody hurt. How can I get rid of this super glue effectively?

I was really angry when I got home, and in a fit of rage I slammed the car door shut. Unfortunately, my fingers were in the way, and they were cut off. I only have my thumb and the bottom of my index finger left. What should I do?

I was sailing around North Korea for the holidays on my private boat, just as I was having a grand time watching the Interview a stupid mine blew a massive hole in my ship, I had to swim to south Korea, can I ask Kim to buy me a new boat?

I was skiing on the top of Yellowstone volcano recently as a bet, as I skiing down at 70 km/h and a stupid rock smashed my left ski, as I sped down the volcano i crashed into a dumb grizzly, luckily I made such a noise he ran off only biting my arm clean off, can i make him pay for my left ski?

I tried holding a match in front of an aerosol can to make a flamethrower to get rid of this huge wasp's nest in my garden. It worked for about two seconds, and then it blew up in my hands. My fingers were completely blown off, except for the thumb, which was dangling by a few muscle fibres. I lost the sight in my right eye and singed the bloody hair off of the top of my head. I've third degree burns covering my arm and face. To make things worse, the wasps weren't too happy, and stung away. The doctor said it was nothing short of a miracle that I survived. How do I get rid of wasps?

I was shredding some office documents yesterday and my bloody tie got caught in the shredder, i attempted to pull it out because it was my favorite tie when my hands got shredded as well, now i have lacerated hands. should i buy my boss a new shredder?

I put the egg in boiling hot water, and left the kitchen, hoping that when I came back I would have a nice, tasty, boiled egg to eat. Well, I came back five minutes later, and the egg was at the bottom of the pot, so I stuck my hand in the pot to get it out. Silly me, I forgot that there was boiling hot water in there. To make a long story short, I've got third degree burns covering my hand, and there is not a single part of my hand that is not blistered. How do I correctly boil an egg?

I was hosting a dinner party for my boss and his wife as a thank you for my promotion to banana straightener. I was going to cook frog and mushroom, so i went outside and picked mushrooms and caught frogs, little did i know there where highly poisonous, they currently eating dinner. Should i tell them it is POISON?!

So, I was minding my own business when a bloody bird flew straight into my closed window. It died on impact. I don't want to let this go to waste, but my pet dog wouldn't eat it even though I left it out overnight. So, I tried one of the wings, and I think it would taste better if cooked. Got any preparation tips?

I brought a new fancy pancake maker for by quarterly birthday so i could make pancakes because i usually blow up the stove. so when i installed the new pancake maker instead of plunging it into the power i plugged it into the gas, as i was lighting a candle for mood lighting (i had a date) i remembered i left the pancake maker on and luckily i survived but my house was burnt to a crisp and i have no hair. now i have no home, no date and no pancake maker!, my date called to say she couldn't find my house.

So, I was mowing my lawn with my rotating blade lawn mower, like I usually do every Saturday. Unfortunately for me, my attention lapsed and I ran over my foot. The blades ripped through my boots and flesh. I waited a week to see if it would heel but it did not, so I went to the hospital. The doctor said my foot was completely lacerated. The front of my foot was dangling only by a few muscle fibres. He also showed me an X-ray of my foot, and the bones were completely buggered. They're saying that it will be very hard for them to get my foot back to the way it was, but not impossible.Anyway, should I continue to use a rotating blade mower? Or should I purchase a new modern one?

I love climbing trees and i made a life changing decision to live in the amazon jungle so i could climb trees all day. for 3 days i had the time of my life but on the 4th day a stupid orangutan hit over the head with a coca bean, i fell 30 meters and landed on a alligator. Now i'm stuck in hospital, can i sue the orangutan?