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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10! o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
LiDoOnE
not really considered a joke but funny...hehehe...
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Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me as soon as possible. - Kum Hia Nao.
Stupid Man. - Dum Gai.
Small Horse. - Tai Ni Po Ni.
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flossintru
a lady goes to her priest one day and tells him "father i have a problem. i have 2 female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.
what do they say? inquired the priest.
they say hi we're hookers. do you want to have some fun?
"that's obscene" the priest replied, then he thought for a moment. "You know, i may have a solution to your problem. I have 2 male talking parrots , which i have taught to pray and read the bible. bring your 2 parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with francis and peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.
"thank you" the woman responded "this may very well be the solution". the next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that the male parrots were inside the cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison "hi we're hookers. do you want to have some fun?. There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male Parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said "put the beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered.
Anonymous
There was a family of tomatoes walking down the street. Papa tomato Mama tomato and baby tomato. Baby tomato falls behind so the pap tomato walks back there and steps on the baby and says "Catch Up"
Andrew
In a very small town in Ireland, two young men went down to the local church for confession. The first one goes in to the confessional and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have had sexual relations with a local girl here in town."
The priest says to him, "Ah, yes, Martha was in here just before you and told me about it."
"It wasn't Martha, father," the young man said.
"Oh, well then it must have been Bonnie."
"Oh, no it wasn't her,"
"Well, the only other girl in town I can think of is Mary," The priest said.
"Yes, that it was," the man replied.
"Well, say three Our Fathers, ten Hail Mary's and one Act of Contrition and ask for God's forgiveness."
On his way out of the confessional, his friend asked him how it went. "Pretty good," the young man said, "I got absolution and two good leads."