Tell me a good joke!?

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10! o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

not really considered a joke but funny...hehehe...

Learn Chinese

That's not right. - Sum Ting Wong.

Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me as soon as possible. - Kum Hia Nao.

Stupid Man. - Dum Gai.

Small Horse. - Tai Ni Po Ni.

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni.

I think you need a face lift. - Chin Tu Fat.

It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet. - Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King.

You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum.

I got this for free. - Ai No Pei.

Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?

Stay out of sight. - Lei Lo.

He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Shing Ka.

Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu.

a lady goes to her priest one day and tells him "father i have a problem. i have 2 female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.

what do they say? inquired the priest.

they say hi we're hookers. do you want to have some fun?

"that's obscene" the priest replied, then he thought for a moment. "You know, i may have a solution to your problem. I have 2 male talking parrots , which i have taught to pray and read the bible. bring your 2 parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with francis and peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.

"thank you" the woman responded "this may very well be the solution". the next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that the male parrots were inside the cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison "hi we're hookers. do you want to have some fun?. There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male Parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said "put the beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered.

There was a family of tomatoes walking down the street. Papa tomato Mama tomato and baby tomato. Baby tomato falls behind so the pap tomato walks back there and steps on the baby and says "Catch Up"

In a very small town in Ireland, two young men went down to the local church for confession. The first one goes in to the confessional and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have had sexual relations with a local girl here in town."

The priest says to him, "Ah, yes, Martha was in here just before you and told me about it."

"It wasn't Martha, father," the young man said.

"Oh, well then it must have been Bonnie."

"Oh, no it wasn't her,"

"Well, the only other girl in town I can think of is Mary," The priest said.

"Yes, that it was," the man replied.

"Well, say three Our Fathers, ten Hail Mary's and one Act of Contrition and ask for God's forgiveness."

On his way out of the confessional, his friend asked him how it went. "Pretty good," the young man said, "I got absolution and two good leads."

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. he's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

Blonde Jokes

How do you kill a blonde?.....

Scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

How did the blond explain how her helicopter crashed?

She said it was getting cold, so she turned off the ceiling fan.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?

The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

What's the advantage of being married to a blond?

You can park in handicapped zones.

What happened to the blonde tap dancer?

She slipped off and fell down the drain.

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?

It is the one with the kickstand.

Where do you look for blonds' obituaries?

Under "Home Improvements."

Did you hear about the blond who thought she discovered that

she had a twin brother?

She didn't realize he was looking in a mirror.

Did you hear about the blond who never learned to water ski?

She couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Why couldn't the blond bob for apples?

Her sister was using the toilet.

A blond is going to London on a plane; how can you steal her

window seat?

Tell her all seats going to London are in the middle row.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?

The noise gave her a headache.

Why don't blonds have elevator jobs?

They don't know the route.

Did you hear about the blond who just bought an A.M. radio?

It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000

leagues under the sea?

She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there

were so many teams.

Why did the blond stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?

She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

What does a postcard from a blonde’s vacation say?

Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Why do blonds have TGIF on their shoes?

Toes go in first.

Why did the blond scale the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.

Why did the blond tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Why did the blond get so excited after he finished the jigsaw

puzzle in only six months?

Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years."

Did you hear about the blond who shot an arrow into the air?

He missed.

A young blonde, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.

"I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one shopkeeper," so I can get a pair of shoes for free.

Later the shopkeeper drove home. He spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou,

shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in. She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement

as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.

"Darn!" the blonde shouted in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

A blonde goes to get her hair cut. The hair stylist cuts for about 30 minutes, hands the blonde a mirror and asks, "How do you like it?" The blonde says, "It's okay, but could you make it just a little longer on the back?"

There is a blonde who goes into a store and says, "Excuse me sir, can I buy that television?" The guy said, "No, I don't sell anything to blondes." So the blonde goes home colors her hair red and goes back to the store. She says, "Excuse me sir, can I buy that television?" He says, "I don't sell anything to blondes." So the blonde goes home, colors her hair pitch black and goes back. She says, "Excuse me sir, can I buy that television?" He says," No I don't sell anything to blondes." She says, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" He says, "Only a blonde would think a microwave is a T.V."

A blond gets tired of it all and dyes her hair. She's now a brunette and feels *much* smarter. Everyone tells her she's smarter. So she goes for a drive in the country one day and stops in a lane which is blocked by a herd of sheep. She gets out, talks to the farmer and says, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" He looks perplexed but says, "Sure." So she says, “Uh....157?" He says, "My God, that's correct. Take a sheep. So she wanders among the herd. She likes this one and that one and finally is very attracted to one that wags its tail and likes her. She picks it up and puts in it the car. The farmer says, "Can I make a deal with you?" "Sure," says she. He says, "If I can guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her Lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman. She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut." The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones." "No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser. So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!" The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have a seat." So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn't looking, rips the headphones off her head. Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. The hairdresser leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones and hears...

"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

Why was the blonde fired from her job at the M&M's factory? Because she kept throwing out all of the ones marked with a "W"!

What's grosser than gross?

When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.

What's grosser than that?

When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet

A guy is in the opticians being examined.

"You know, you'll really have to stop masturbating." Says the optician.

"Why?" Asks the guy, "Will it affect my eyesight?"

"No." He answers, "But it's upsetting the other patients!"