im 22, 23 at the end of this year... i lost both my parents in the space of a year, i know its not my fault but i cant stop thinking that and its really really affecting me... does anyone have any ideas on how to get over this feeling?
big_bowl_of_meat
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I'm so, so sorry. You're much too young to have gone through this, and to blame yourself is normal (even though you don't have any single thing to be blamed for.)
Unfortunately, the only thing that will heal these wounds is time, and they'll never heal completely; you love your parents, and so you're going to be grieving -- hard -- for a long time. To do otherwise would be disrespectful and inappropriate. Grieve as much as you need to, as long as you need to, and then do your best to get on with your life when you're able to keep your grieving in the background.
As for getting over the feelings of guilt, it's not entirely unlike children who believe they're responsible for their parents getting divorced. It doesn't matter that it is not true; it's simply the easiest way to deal with the hurt. Grieving because you've lost them and it wasn't in your power to help them makes you feel helpless; grieving because you've lost them and feel like you were to blame makes you feel like you could have done something differently, which paradoxically hurts more AND makes you feel less helpless.
Again, the only thing that will help you is time. You might also want to consider a support group, so that you can be surrounded by people who feel similarly, so that you don't feel so alone.
Good luck.
?
If you think life has its problems now, they will get a whole load worse as a single parent. These issues that are bugging you are not huge ones, they sound they they have arisen out of boredom, maybe a bit of depression and being in a rut. Cards and pressies are very much a female thing, if it was lef to the males it would die out altogether. He gave you the money because he didnt want you to end up with the wrong present, try to see the love behind what he did. Same with the cards, if thats not his thing look for other ways in which he shows you he loves you. you sound like you need to get out of the doldrums and try to put some more fun and variety back into your life. I know its hard if you're both unemployed but could you do some voluntary work or take up some pastime that doesn't involve too much expense - at least he'll be able to look after your son. Make an effort to join some activities that will bring you in contact with people and after a while you are bound to find someone who you've got something in common withi, even if its just a casual freind to have a coffee with now and again. Are there any parent and child group in yoru area? If you get more of a life for yourself you'll have less time to focus on your boyfreind's shortcomings and hopefully it might act as a prompt for him to start getting a bit more involved in life too. And having a young child is a perfect excuse to do all sorts of activities that will get you out the house and participating in life.
kelly
I am so sorry for your loss. It is tragic. So you know intellectually that their death is not your fault. But emotionally you feel somehow you should have been able to prevent it or that you were the cause. Please go to a therapist. The therapist will help you grieve and help you see the truth. And when you can get your thoughts and emotions connected, then you will be a long way toward healing. I wish you the best.
Anonymous
don't blame yourself! i am sure how ever it happened it was out of your control. i think it is something we never really get over, the pain is always there but it just doesn't hurt as much. if you feel the need to cry or scream or hit something, then do it, it will make you feel better for a little while anyway. just remember the good times and i am sure if they could come back they would assure you its not your fault. don't torture your self.
Danielle
It does seem hard, I lost my grandmother about 4 years ago. She was my best friend. It still feels like she is on vacation. Life will be hard without them. But as long as you have people in your life that you can talk to about these feelings and people who love you, life will go on and life will turn around for you. Just keep your chin up, pray, think about them and smile, try to take one day at a time and be as positive as you can. Sometimes counseling helps so you may want to consider that.
Good luck to you.
Take care and God bless!