What do you do with an elderly father who can no longer take care of himself, yet refuses to admit it?

Dad has a terrible temper, and often becomes furious for reasons as trivial as grammatical errors. He can't take care of his dog anymore, and doesn't feed her regularly, or always let her out when she needs to go, but denies everything. He needs foot care, yet claims nothing is wrong with his feet and won't go to the doctor. He stopped taking some of his medication, claiming he doesn't need it anymore. He tries to hide the fact that he's incontinent, but the evidence is apparent. He barely eats anything at all, yet claims he does. He has great difficulty walking, but won't use a walker, and has fallen twice. He has dementia, but was intelligent enough to be able to cover it up for the social worker who came to evaluate him - she said as much.

Is there anyone here who's been through this? What did you do? I'm at my wits' end. I don't know how to help him.

2007-09-18T03:59:35Z

Thanks, everyone, for your suggestions. Dad is 84 years old. I realize he wants to stay independent, and that he's frustrated at not being able to think straight. I'll never be able to shoehorn him out of his house, though. My mom died last year, and even when her Parkinson's became disabling, Dad refused to go into assisted living.

I already have power of attorney, and handle all his finances...had to get that when I realized he wasn't paying any bills. We have a great family attorney who looks out for us.

He has a caregiver who comes in six days a week for four hours, but that still leaves him alone every afternoon, and on Sundays. I'm convinced he doesn't eat on Sundays.

To complicate things, he smokes heavily, and is very difficult to get along with (nothing new ... he always has been). I'm the only child still here in town, and the other ones show no inclination to help.

I guess this'll play itself out somehow. Wish me luck!

Anonymous2007-09-25T18:05:09Z

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Oh my GOD! Do I know the position you are in? My Dad is 92 and my Mom is almost 90. Thank GOD they are both in relatively good health but they both need constant supervision which is now being provided by my older sister and brother in law that are now retired. They recently purchased a large home in partnership with my parents so they could be there with them 24/7 and also they have home health care and personal care assistants that come in every day or so to carry a good deal of the load. No they are by no means financially well off but Medicare picks up the majority of the bills. As a family we had to do what was necessary for the welfare of the two of them which meant convincing them to sell their home of 35+ years and move to another state where they could be closer to family members that could help. My dad especially said for a year or more that there was NO WAY he would agree to selling his home and move to another state and sharing a home with anyone else, family or not, after all this was his 'home', the place where he was most comfortable and the place where he felt secure and where he wanted to die when his time came. He flaty refused to even discuss It PERIOD! We also had good legal counsel and clergy members that we used as 'outside' intermediaries to offer him their best advice. He still said NO WAY! It came down to us making the decision for him and because of his age, declining health and mental faculties we were able to sell the family home (Sigh) and force my folks to make the ultimate move. Was it the hardest decision any of us have ever made or hopefully will ever have to make? Without a doubt..... YES! We all watched with tearful eyes as both of them had tears in their eyes as they were put in the car and drove away from their 'home sweet home' never to return. We looked at it like this, what are the alternatives and which is the better choice? There comes a point in the lives of our elderly parents or grandparents when we must realize that we must take control and do what is best for them. When we are of sound mind and body we need to look out for those that are not. I am also in the business of providing home health monitoring for elderly persons living alone or for homebound persons as well as those people of any age that are even partially incapable of caring for themselves. I have found that in 99% of the cases that I have known it's the elderly that are not willing to admit that they need help in their daily lives. I have come to find what I think is the answer as to why they feel this way. It is everyones worst nightmare to think they will be admitted to a nursing home for the remainder of their lives if they show signs of not being capable of caring for themselves. Therefore they put up this front of being totally capable of caring for themselves as a defense mechanism in hopes of maintaining their independence. As family members we have to read between the lines and recognize the signs that they are NOT any longer capable of being alone. My sister recently asked my Dad if he would agree to having a physical therapist come to the house and work with him in hopes of helping him regain some use of his hands and arms since he is now unable to hold anything in his hands and he has to be hand fed every morsel of food that he consumes. He said absolutely not! His reason was that he realizes now that this is what must be expected at his age therefore it would be a waste of time, effort any money. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do but just remember that there are only a couple of choices and you are much more capable of making those choices than your elderly father. Do what is best for him and don't second guess your decision regardless of how hard it is to do so. My prayers are with you as you go forward with this most difficult decision.

Anonymous2007-09-17T22:45:25Z

There comes a time when drastic measure may have to be taken...and it sounds as if you have reached this point. Go to court with documentation, pictures, etc. IF your father has money, you should have done this long ago, for he is ripe for the picking by unscroupulous lawyers, etc. Many states appoint conservators for elderly...if you don't do it soon, another will apply and be awarded the job...and you will pay hell trying to get it away from them! At that point, you become responsible for his care, health, etc. Be prepared to take over his finances and make sure that EVERYTHING you do is an open book...no cheating, no personal expenses. You are allowed to charge a modest fee for your time. IF siblings are involved, you all need to have a family meeting and get this done. IF is already past the point that he needs a keeper to some extent. I do NOT suggest he live with any of you, for that is a sure receipe for marital problems on a big scale. It may be time, ( or shortly will be time) to find a suitable climate for care...so start scouting out what is affordable, drop by the places unannounced, and see for yourself. Sorry to be pessimestic, but you must act in a manner that is best for him...Altzheimers and dementia escalate rapidly once they start, and I doubt if you are prepared to handle this in advance cases. Do your homework now, gain custody of him, and his finances while he still has finances....if you don't, someone else will...count on it. The world is full of predators who look for people in your father's condition. Not the least is women! Good luck and peace, goldwing

Anonymous2007-09-21T01:10:12Z

If your father reaches the point where he is unable to provide for his own food, clothing or shelter or becomes a danger to himself or others due to a mental disability he can be legally hospitalized involuntarily. This is law in every state. If that happens he will become an inpatient in a mental health facility and evaluated and stabilized. During that process if it is determined that he will not be able to care for himself when he leaves the facility then the family will be called in to help decide the best course of action whether it be guardianship, a payee, living with family or in another place. This is for his own protection and the protection of others and is often the most reasonable thing to do even if he doesn't like it. You can talk with your local mental health department to find out the particulars of how they work it in your area and they will gladly give you free advice.

Anonymous2007-09-18T00:10:53Z

Having been through this with my mother and my next-door neighbour just starting the illness, I know how you must be feeling. Get in contact with the social worker, they can arrange for someone to come in each day for half an hour to ensure that he takes his medicine. They can give you lots of assistance during this difficult time. Meals on wheels is an option that you may wish to consider. Is it possible that a neighbour could walk and feed the dog? Don't try and get through this alone, you will only make yourself ill, use the social services, that's what they are for. I wish you the best of luck.

Anonymous2007-09-17T22:36:05Z

Try to imagine that you know that you are forgetting to do things that were normal for you not long ago. I think dementia is often better when it is severe and the person gets lost in their body and mind. It must be very frustrating and maddening to him that he sees he's lost control of things like driving a car and paying bills, feeding the cats etc.LOTS of dementia patients were very intelligent college educated engineers, accountants, architects and now they can't count change. It must be a demeaning feeling to themselves and there is no way to fix it really. The meds available seem to do some good,but I personally have never seen a patient with dementia do a comeplete reversal and go back to work. IT may keep them from progressing to totally dependent faster. I feel for you and I pray nightly, even at age 54, that I will not get dementia. I hope that I would be able to take steps not to have to go thru that but do NOT advise anyone else to do such...I'm just responding to your dilemma. I don't know what kind of city you live in but seek out both respite care thru maybe HOSPICE or a DEMENTIA support group and also try to make time for yourself to attend a support group on nite a week or so and to do some kind of exercise or hobby that is truly your own. It's usually a fairly long road you are on. I'd check into assisted living but in NC I know they normally don't take advanced Dementia or Alzheimers patients in asst living. Good luck to you! I have been thru this with one Granny and even in a nursing facility she was a trip for the 6months of so that she was there.

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