What do you do with an elderly father who can no longer take care of himself, yet refuses to admit it?

Oh my GOD! Do I know the position you are in? My Dad is 92 and my Mom is almost 90. Thank GOD they are both in relatively good health but they both need constant supervision which is now being provided by my older sister and brother in law that are now retired. They recently purchased a large home in partnership with my parents so they could be there with them 24/7 and also they have home health care and personal care assistants that come in every day or so to carry a good deal of the load. No they are by no means financially well off but Medicare picks up the majority of the bills. As a family we had to do what was necessary for the welfare of the two of them which meant convincing them to sell their home of 35+ years and move to another state where they could be closer to family members that could help. My dad especially said for a year or more that there was NO WAY he would agree to selling his home and move to another state and sharing a home with anyone else, family or not, after all this was his 'home', the place where he was most comfortable and the place where he felt secure and where he wanted to die when his time came. He flaty refused to even discuss It PERIOD! We also had good legal counsel and clergy members that we used as 'outside' intermediaries to offer him their best advice. He still said NO WAY! It came down to us making the decision for him and because of his age, declining health and mental faculties we were able to sell the family home (Sigh) and force my folks to make the ultimate move. Was it the hardest decision any of us have ever made or hopefully will ever have to make? Without a doubt..... YES! We all watched with tearful eyes as both of them had tears in their eyes as they were put in the car and drove away from their 'home sweet home' never to return. We looked at it like this, what are the alternatives and which is the better choice? There comes a point in the lives of our elderly parents or grandparents when we must realize that we must take control and do what is best for them. When we are of sound mind and body we need to look out for those that are not. I am also in the business of providing home health monitoring for elderly persons living alone or for homebound persons as well as those people of any age that are even partially incapable of caring for themselves. I have found that in 99% of the cases that I have known it's the elderly that are not willing to admit that they need help in their daily lives. I have come to find what I think is the answer as to why they feel this way. It is everyones worst nightmare to think they will be admitted to a nursing home for the remainder of their lives if they show signs of not being capable of caring for themselves. Therefore they put up this front of being totally capable of caring for themselves as a defense mechanism in hopes of maintaining their independence. As family members we have to read between the lines and recognize the signs that they are NOT any longer capable of being alone. My sister recently asked my Dad if he would agree to having a physical therapist come to the house and work with him in hopes of helping him regain some use of his hands and arms since he is now unable to hold anything in his hands and he has to be hand fed every morsel of food that he consumes. He said absolutely not! His reason was that he realizes now that this is what must be expected at his age therefore it would be a waste of time, effort any money. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do but just remember that there are only a couple of choices and you are much more capable of making those choices than your elderly father. Do what is best for him and don't second guess your decision regardless of how hard it is to do so. My prayers are with you as you go forward with this most difficult decision.

There comes a time when drastic measure may have to be taken...and it sounds as if you have reached this point. Go to court with documentation, pictures, etc. IF your father has money, you should have done this long ago, for he is ripe for the picking by unscroupulous lawyers, etc. Many states appoint conservators for elderly...if you don't do it soon, another will apply and be awarded the job...and you will pay hell trying to get it away from them! At that point, you become responsible for his care, health, etc. Be prepared to take over his finances and make sure that EVERYTHING you do is an open book...no cheating, no personal expenses. You are allowed to charge a modest fee for your time. IF siblings are involved, you all need to have a family meeting and get this done. IF is already past the point that he needs a keeper to some extent. I do NOT suggest he live with any of you, for that is a sure receipe for marital problems on a big scale. It may be time, ( or shortly will be time) to find a suitable climate for care...so start scouting out what is affordable, drop by the places unannounced, and see for yourself. Sorry to be pessimestic, but you must act in a manner that is best for him...Altzheimers and dementia escalate rapidly once they start, and I doubt if you are prepared to handle this in advance cases. Do your homework now, gain custody of him, and his finances while he still has finances....if you don't, someone else will...count on it. The world is full of predators who look for people in your father's condition. Not the least is women! Good luck and peace, goldwing

If your father reaches the point where he is unable to provide for his own food, clothing or shelter or becomes a danger to himself or others due to a mental disability he can be legally hospitalized involuntarily. This is law in every state. If that happens he will become an inpatient in a mental health facility and evaluated and stabilized. During that process if it is determined that he will not be able to care for himself when he leaves the facility then the family will be called in to help decide the best course of action whether it be guardianship, a payee, living with family or in another place. This is for his own protection and the protection of others and is often the most reasonable thing to do even if he doesn't like it. You can talk with your local mental health department to find out the particulars of how they work it in your area and they will gladly give you free advice.

Having been through this with my mother and my next-door neighbour just starting the illness, I know how you must be feeling. Get in contact with the social worker, they can arrange for someone to come in each day for half an hour to ensure that he takes his medicine. They can give you lots of assistance during this difficult time. Meals on wheels is an option that you may wish to consider. Is it possible that a neighbour could walk and feed the dog? Don't try and get through this alone, you will only make yourself ill, use the social services, that's what they are for. I wish you the best of luck.

Try to imagine that you know that you are forgetting to do things that were normal for you not long ago. I think dementia is often better when it is severe and the person gets lost in their body and mind. It must be very frustrating and maddening to him that he sees he's lost control of things like driving a car and paying bills, feeding the cats etc.LOTS of dementia patients were very intelligent college educated engineers, accountants, architects and now they can't count change. It must be a demeaning feeling to themselves and there is no way to fix it really. The meds available seem to do some good,but I personally have never seen a patient with dementia do a comeplete reversal and go back to work. IT may keep them from progressing to totally dependent faster. I feel for you and I pray nightly, even at age 54, that I will not get dementia. I hope that I would be able to take steps not to have to go thru that but do NOT advise anyone else to do such...I'm just responding to your dilemma. I don't know what kind of city you live in but seek out both respite care thru maybe HOSPICE or a DEMENTIA support group and also try to make time for yourself to attend a support group on nite a week or so and to do some kind of exercise or hobby that is truly your own. It's usually a fairly long road you are on. I'd check into assisted living but in NC I know they normally don't take advanced Dementia or Alzheimers patients in asst living. Good luck to you! I have been thru this with one Granny and even in a nursing facility she was a trip for the 6months of so that she was there.

My father has Parkinson and e Married into another family about 15 years ago and I have a half sister that s 15 years old there now split up but he wont get divorce he cant put his clothes on can not feed himself and me and my other sister who is older than I don t no what to do he refuse to sale his house and I got 2 in collage and 1 still in high school what do we do I pray every day of my life and we are at a cross road love him and hat to see him in this shap

I have seen a lot of this, unfortunetly forcing them is the onely way and only family can do that. I am a P.S.W., when in college training for this career, i had to do an essay on something to do with aging; i kept comming across the fact that women age better than men for the fact when told they need glasses, hearing aids, walkers, cains, reg Dr. apointments etc., women except and welcome the help. Men on the other hand do not except aging, they denie and fight it, studie's show black men to be even worse. I think it has a lot to do with them always feeling they were incharge, the bread winner, boss, referee, repairman, decision maker, always the strong one. And the majority of them do get grouchy with age, that too seems to be a man thing and could be related to the fact that even in denial, the do relize it. I am very experienced in this area and yet have trouble with my own dad, he refuses to use canes in public, has needed a hearing aid for 20 yrs is always fighting because he doesn't hear us. And yes i too have been silently elected to take care of both my parents. But love them we do and unfortunately we must do whats best even if its against their will. God bless and assist you.

As you said yourself, this will all play itself out somehow. I went through a similar situation with my father and it didn't have a happy ending. He was like an old wounded bear. He was weak and needed help desperately but fought off all attempts to help or change his situation. My heart still aches when I think about it.

My advice would be to beg your siblings to join with you in taking care of your father's needs. Together, as a unit, decide what is best for your father and do it. He will not be pleased! Don't try to carry this burden alone. Always tell your father how much you love him no matter how terrible he is acting.

Hope this helps. I'll be thinking of you.

Dear One, You have alot of excellent advice here already...my utmost sympathy for you in this situation. I know it is breaking your heart and you are totally frustrated. The utmost thing you can give to your father is DIGNITY. He does need constant help and yes, he may get angry at you for the future actions that you'll need to take. [bless your heart]

Please look into the assisted care centers or S. N. F.'s. There are more women than men... he should have a place without too many problems.

One thing that I do advise...be careful that your dad isn't placed too far away from where you are! My mom was [at a S.N.F.] some 30 miles away, I visited 2x's a wk with my older schizophrenic / legally blind brother living alone [trying to care for him, too.] and go to school at the same time.

If possible, got WITH him to the Dr.'s and discuss things there WITH your father. Ask him if it's getting hard for him to care for the pet...maybe he will release it to a better home.

Do make sure you take time to 'heal' yourself; get that REST!

Best of wealth/health to you and yours.

Some of my story is in my profile, but any way my parents are getting that way now. I do take care of mine now myself. I live right here with them to make sure that every thing is being do right. My dad himself is 84. I am going to check back on the answers here and see if someone else has a better ideal as what to do that I haven't done or trying to get done.