Adopted persons...how do you feel when people say your adoptive parents "took you in"?

I am entirely turned off by this. I wasn't some poor little waif wondering the streets like a stray cat that someone decided to take home. I was a child who was eligible for adoption. My adoptive parents SOUGHT OUT a child to adopt, because they WANTED to adopt a child. They didn't just "take me in."

Anyone else?

2008-03-06T10:20:22Z

Just to clarify, my adoptive parents NEVER said this to me. It's just that I hear people in general say this sometimes, including in posts here on Y!A.

2008-03-06T10:53:21Z

CP -- yes, you are right. It really is linked in with the whole "you should be grateful" attitude.

2008-03-06T11:56:45Z

Why not focus on reform and not about what we think someone means? Because of the very reason CP pointed out. Part of reform has to do with the attitudes of the people. The idea that our parents "took us in" goes back to the "just be grateful" attitude.

These attitudes relegate us to a class of persons who ought not be asking for more after someone bothered to take us in. After all, isn't that enough?

Why would anyone with that attitude think that we should have equal rights? We ought to just shut up and be satisfied that someone let us live and took care of us, right?

2008-03-06T12:10:18Z

Wow! Thank you, Phil! I think I probably helped bring in the whole "sought me out" junk by my own sentence that has the word "sought" in it. My sentence, however, was that they sought out to adopt *A* child -- not me in particular. The fact that they ended up with me was not due to "picking me out." It was due to timing, availability and the work of the social worker.

2008-03-06T13:23:33Z

Gersh -- Thank You! You put it so much better than I.

blank stare2008-03-06T11:57:06Z

Favorite Answer

{hand raised}

The whole "take you in," "be grateful," "you were chosen" stuff is nonsense.

My adoptive parents wanted a child and were told they couldn't give birth. So they adopted. They didn't choose me. There is no baby showroom. I wasn't hand picked. I was the infant that was available when they were next on the list. (Although I do think there was some matching involved, but that's the social worker's domain, not my aparents.) They couldn't have sought ME out, because I was an infant. No one KNEW who I was yet.

People who aren't adopted make all kinds of weird and wild assumptions about how adoptees feel. I cannot know how a first parent feels. I cannot know how an adoptive parent feels. I listen to them tell me how it feels to be in their shoes. But I didn't feel special, or chosen, nor do I think I ought to feel grateful for being adopted. It would be nice if others quit trying to put feelings in our hearts and speak for us.

But I don't have much hope of that happening. Once an adopted child, always a child.

swear2google2008-03-06T10:18:03Z

Interesting...I am one of 5 adopted kids in my family (well we are all grown now so not kids) and I have never heard the phrase "took you in" directed at me. However if I did I would totally feel the same as you. Like I was a stray puppy or cat that just kept coming in the yard so they just decided to keep me. Who are these people? You could always respond "Yeah well at least my parents got me on purpose" not nice I know but it makes me smile. Probably best to just ignore the ignorant. Instead of letting it upset you perhaps you could feel sorry for their total lack of empathy and understanding. Be proud!

jd2008-03-06T11:20:51Z

I was adopted, and my parents also sought me out, it wasn't like i was wasting away in some orphanage for years, I was 2 weeks old at the time. I am very lucky to have a wonderful family who took care of my every need and never made me feel inferior.

Erin2008-03-06T10:22:20Z

I'm not adopted, but I did give my child up for adoption. How horrifying to think that people look at adopted children like they do stray pets. I hope to God no one ever thinks anything like that of my child. I know I certainly didn't treat my child like that. In fact, I hand picked his adoptive parents because I wanted the best possible home for him. I was incapable of caring for him, but I wanted him to be with parents who were.

dark eyes2008-03-06T10:30:19Z

I heard that a lot, too. I feel proud to tell you that my parents sought me out as well.

Honestly, I think that most of the anger and hard feelings I've read on YA concerning adoption is because of phrases such as that one. You take strays in and children aren't strays!

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