Does open adoption "water down" the adoptive parent's relationship with the child?

Absolutely not. I think that an open adoption (where appropriate - obviously if the first parent/s have done something really heinous to the child or otherwise, it's not appropriate to continue the relationship in most cases) would probably enrich the relationship between the AP, the child and the first parent/s. To let another parent-like party into the childs life, I think, shows a very secure attachment and trust between the AP and the adopted child, and it's a relationship built on honesty. I don't know since I was a much older adoptee, but I would think an adopted child would appreciate the openness and honesty.

At the end of the day, children *KNOW* who raised them. They know who tucked them in at night, who cried when they were in pain or failed, who delighted in their successes and who was their biggest fan through their lives. Certainly first parents in open adoptions can feel these emotions too, but they're still removed from the situation. The kids know who their parents are, that doesn't make any difference if they know their first parents or not.

I don't think having a good relationship and open communication with a first parent would water down an AP's relationship with their child any more than a relationship with a beloved teacher, grandparent, uncle, aunt, friend, godparent or sports coach, or anyone else who enriches a child's life would... just because there's other people that care about a child in their life doesn't mean they're ever going to take the place of the parent.

I'm sure everyone's had someone like that in their life, and I doubt anyone would say that they thought the other people in their lives took away from the relationship with the parent.

It's like how some people say, "Well, if you have more than one child, you won't love the second as much as the first." BUNK. There's no set amount of love a person can have for others, and that includes children with their parents and other adults in their lives. People wouldn't go around arguing that children shouldn't have a relationship with their grandparents because it would water down the one with their parents, would they? I fail to see how an adoptee-adoptive parent-first parent is more likely to water down the relationship.

The only relationship I can think of where loving more than one person would be a bad thing is if you were married and it was in the romantic sense, LOL. But really, I fail to see the sense of the argument.

Whoever said this is not all there, IMO. Or they're like Mr. Grinch and their heart's a few sizes too small.

Okay. I am by no means an expert, but I think I can guess some of the reasons some APs are weary of an open adoption and it's really sad that they would think this: They are mad that the birth mother gets the best of both worlds - the birth mother gets the relationship and love without the responsibility of raising the child, feeding the child, clothing the child, etc. They can go out on a Saturday night and not have to find a babysitter, they can pop in and out of the child's life whenever they want, etc. But, like I said, these are sad excuses. I think all decisions should be about the child's best interest and making sure all of the child's needs, both materially AND emotionally are covered and a relationship with their birth parents helps to acheive that.

We may one day choose adoption to begin our family and if we do, we'll absolutely only want an open adoption. The child will one day look at how we acted and how we chose to do everything in our child's best interest which included sharing them with their birth parents and that child will know that their APs truly loved them and wanted to parent them for all the right reasons. It really IS about doing what's best for the child. If we adopt, I want our child to be loved by as many people as possible and to know they were loved by both their first and second families. That's what it should be all about - about giving that child the best life possible.

I thought about what she said in your question. Without being to judgmental or condecending about it.

What I felt she might have been trying to do is find a balance in the open adoption. I hope she has by now. Everyone handles situations differently and it depends on if its still all new to her or not. I won't jump on her and dismiss it as insecure. This is where I feel adoptive parents and Nparents need some assistance in the first few years in understanding why these kinds of feelings crop up.

I hope that she spent some time reading other answers and begins to see that it won't 'water down' her relationship with her child. IR she's better to admit to those feelings than be in denial about them and let it affect her daily functioning life. By admitting to them she do something about them and improve her out look towards the relationship between herself and her child, and his/her first mum. Denial, will only make her close off and it becomes destructive bit by little bit.

Thats all I can give you at the moment in the way of an answer for why she said it that way.

Edit;(BTW- I was also trying not to compare it to myself and my own situation, or personal feelings when it comes to being an adoptive parent. As it can be different for other people and they have some entitlement to feel as they do even if I don't always agree with it. After all she may learn its wrong and change her outlook, for all you know IRL she may just be a lovely lady wanting to work through it.)

3 of my children are adopted, and only one of them is an open adoption. I have exactly the relationship with my child with an open adoption that I have with my other adopted children, as well as my birth children. If the relationship with your own child is affected by them being in contact with somebody else then you shouldn't have that child. Nothing and nobody should ruin the bond you have with your children, if you really love them

ok, first, please dont think about yourself. Think of the child for God sake!

Second, it does not matter what YOU think. The adopted child already has a connection with its mother long before it is ever given up for adoption. You must remember the child spent 9 months being fed, comforted and kept warm by its mother. There is nothing in this world that will ever take that bond away from the natural mother and the child. Not even an adoptive mother. Yes the adoptive child can love 2 mothers, just as a mother can love more than one child equally.

No matter if you try not to encourage your child to have contact with their birth family, they will always have a burning need to know about their family, culture, talents, whatever. The more you try and keep your child from their biological mother the more they are going to want to be a part of their life. The more you are understanding about them wanting to know where they come from the better your relationship will be with your adopted child.

I unfortunately can't answer your question, because I'm at as much of a loss as you are why anyone would think that would diminish the relationship in any way. I can speak as the child of a closed adoption, as well as a PAP who is hoping to adopt a child in an open adoption.

Any AP that is putting their own fears before the needs of their child, in my opinion, needs to work through those fears before they proceed with the adoption. I invite those fearful APs to go looking through the thousands of adoption search/reunion sites on the internet - browse through the millions of heartbreaking pleas, read the posts of people looking for even the slightest clue as to their identity, background, or name - and then revisit their decision to put their own child through that.

I know what it's like to have no idea who you are, where you came from, why you were given up, what ethnicity you are, what your medical history is, and so on. History began with my birth, essentially. I have no blood ties to anyone (not to dimish my folks or my brothers, who I love dearly and have to remind myself I'm "not related" to, otherwise I'd forget - I couldn't be happier or more thankful to have the family I do).

There is no way I will put my child through a closed adoption. I can't think of a more wonderful thing than having a conversation with my child some day, and if they ask a question about their heritage or background, I can say "I don't know, let's call your Mom".

It is my dearly held hope that our child's mother becomes a part of our lives, and our extended family. I can't stress enough that the alternative is extremely painful to the child.

I think the people who say this are probably mixing up open adoption and co-parenting. While co-parenting may work in some cases, it definitely adds some major complications to the relationship. Having to agree on every parenting decision with someone who was more or less a stranger could potentially weaken a parent's confidence, and would at the very least prevent that parent from ever acting decisively.

However, open adoption and co-parenting are NOT the same thing. While I think adoptive parents should listen to and consider the opinions of the biological parents, the adoptive parents are the day-to-day caretakers, and open adoption doesn't change or reduce that.

Personally, I don't think that acknowledging that the adopted child has two sets of parents, and treating both sets of parents with respect, in any way diminishes either. In fact, quite the opposite.

I don't see how anything is watered down by knowing one more person in the world who loves and cares about you. It is sad that some adoptive parents feel this way, I don't think it is helpful for the child.

Hey MamaKate,

Why would an outside source influence the degree of closeness between a mother/child relationship?

Makes no sense to me.

My bond with my child is totally and completely separate from that of the relationship between my child and her other Mother. One relationship does not influence the other, and to do so puts unfair pressure on the adoptee. Children shouldn't have to choose between loving one parent over the other, I would hope more adults would be more mature. Love isn't ownership.

Mama Kate,

As an adoptee who can find it in her heart to love her adoptive parents, stepparents, and biological parents, I disagree with the idea that a person's love can be "watered down". Love just doesn't work that way.

My argument to the person that advocated closed adoptions because of the fear of weakening the relationship between adoptive parent and child is that keeping their child from interacting with their biological family will have the opposite affect they intend it to and strain the relationship more.

I think adoptive parents believe these kinds of things because they are afraid. I think of them honestly believe a lot of stereotypes about first parents and tend to be a little insecure about their parenting and in turn try to keep their kids away from their first parents for some of those reasons.

I wish my adoptive parents as well as some of these other closed minded adoptive parents would understand that we are capable of loving all of our parents for the separate and different people that they are without taking away from another relationship.