My In-laws have no respect for our privacy what so ever. They are constantly just 'dropping by' with out notice and calling constantly to talk about nothing important. These calls often start at 8 in the morning. They are good people, so I don't want to be mean, but they are both nut cases! My husband won't say anything to them about it.
Anonymous
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I don't think you're describing rudeness here. Inconsideration yes, but not rudeness. But I certainly would not let it go.
Does your husband feel the same way? Make sure you're both on the same page.
It is not proper etiquette to just drop in unexpectedly to anyone's place no matter who is doing the visiting. People have schedules and their down time.
Explain to your in laws that you appreciate spending time together but you also have things to do and a schedule to keep. Tell them that what works best for you guys is that they call to check if it is a good time to come over. That isn't rocket science and they should understand that.
If they still don't get the message and they just drop in then let them visit for about 10 minutes and say, "mom, dad, you're going to have to excuse us now, we have made plans and need to get ourselves ready." This can be done discreetly and without offending anyone.
Caller ID works wonders in screening phone calls. Also if you don't normally like getting calls early in the morning then try putting the phones onto silent until you get up. No big deal and nobody gets offended.
When they phone and want to shoot the breeze, just listen. Most people feel uncomfortable ending a telephone conversation and it can brutal listening to someone rambling on and on. If you avoid saying too much you avoid opening up new topics of conversation and prevent the conversation going on and on. It takes two people to have a conversation. After a couple of minutes, excuse yourself by saying, "Hey listen, thanks for the call, I'm going to have to let you go for now, I'm right in the middle of________ or I've got to take care of ____________."
Use the above strategies and they will get the hint without becoming offended.
If all of the above strategies fail then your husband is going to have to become more involved and not leave the "dirty work" up to you. Don't you just love in laws? Good luck.
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When you answer the phone make up an excuse to get off the phone. If they ask your advice and you don't want to give it just tell them you aren't qualified to off advice on that subject.
There is nothing else you can do unless your husband stands right beside you and speaks up for the both of you!
As for dropping by without notice? Suddenly leave. Grab your purse and keys and say, " I wish you had called before coming over, I have something to take care of." Or don't answer the door and after they call the local police to check on you tell them all you weren't feeling well and didn't hear the door while you were resting.
Do this over and over again and they will slowly get the message to call first.
It would be a lot easier if your husband would do his part. You are both teaching them (or have already taught them) how to treat you with no respect and privacy.
Good luck and my MIL lives 1 1/2 hrs away and she tried dropping in a few times. She doesn't anymore!
Jen M
I probably would not say anything about the calls except to ask your husband to ask them to call a bit later in the day. I was always taught it is not nice to call before 9 in the morning and really you should wait until 10 unless it is urgent.
As for the Dropping by, well, I don't see why they can't call first. But, to keep good will in the family pick your battles really carefully.
Also, if you are very selective about what is complained about that will probably go a lot further with your husband.
Maybe get them to start calling a bit later in the morning and then tackle the dropping by thing.
kill_yr_television
I'd say the problem isn't your in-laws. The problem is that you and your husband don't seem to be able to come to an agreement on what exactly the rules ARE about these matters and then stick to them. Compromise and negotiate with each other until you have a coherent WRITTEN policy that both can live with AND that can be further negotiated is things aren't working out as projected.
Your husband needs to "step up to the plate" on this and be the one to tell his family that they need call and ask for an invitation before paying a visit, to meet them at they door when they arrive unannounced and tell them they've come at a bad time and apologize for not being able to invite them in, to ask them to telephone before 10 or after 8 only for emergencies, and so on.
When two people marry, one's family will be "relaxed" about intra-family visiting and this "lack of manners" will drive the other insane. That one of the couple with the more "friendly" family MUST take responsibility for "teaching" his side to respect the "more formal" manners that the other partner is used to. Failure to serve as an effective "handler" for your spouse's in-laws (your own family, that is) keeps many a spouse in a bad enough mood to carry over into other aspects of the relationship. On the other hand this kind of thing can go to far; a spouse should not begrudge a partner time to spend with family only insist that such time be planned so as to not spoil "just us" time together or other plans.
unannounced visits or hours of tele
wpnwilo1
When I moved to Ireland (my husband and in-laws are Irish), they had me convinced that what I considered being "inconsiderate" was just a silly Americanism. On the surface, my in-laws are the sweetest most nicest people you'd ever want to meet. Well, when my backbone finally grew back (my husband's still waiting for his when it comes to his parents), I finally had to tell them I would not let them in the house if they showed up before calling. I had a new baby, a new home, a new husband, a new country, etc. and I wanted a little consideration. Mom-in-law told me that it was my problem if I didn't like the condition of my house when they showed up. In a nice way, I told her it was HER problem that I wanted a little respect, especially since I wasn't getting any. They retaliated by telling me I'd never really be family. Funny, my brother-in-law's girlfriend, you know, the one who lets them walk all over her, is family. LOL, I'd hate to be what I know she calls them behind their backs!
I finally got the message that these two people are manipulative control freaks and not used to being told the word "no". I'm polite and civil when I run into them, but I make my excuses for family functions, let my husband take our son to see them without me, and basically have nothing else to do with them. Life is too short.
The moral of this story is: People treat you the way you let them. Let voicemail or your answering machine take the calls until you are ready to talk (if ever). Do not apologize or feel you need to give excuses why you didn't jump out of bed, shower, etc. to answer their call. If they come over un-invited, answer the door with your purse in hand and tell them you and whoever are on your way out. I wish you luck.