What do you think of "The Refusal"?
The Refusal
As I took my shower
beads of water clung to my body
as I clung to the freshness of my youth
I would continue to play ball with my youth
and my youth would catch the ball, not drop it
No decay, decadence or “Death in Venice” for me
As I refused to see my physical decline
I continued to admire my body
Remembering the lovers lusting for my body
and insisting on calling it beautiful and young
And even if sometimes I see blue pop-up veins,
I will still see my small, firm, white, round breasts
When I look at my face
and feel continually surprised
at another mark of age
But then I am surprised again
when suddenly my hair waves and curls
as it also refuses to acknowledge aging
I survey my face again
and despite the bags,
the blueness of my eyes live
I told my friend the other day
I have to work on my inner beauty
and accept aging
Is it so simple
as when we say pretend to be happy
and then suddenly the true emotion,
the real happiness is yours
I always thought appearance was the most superficial aspect of a person
Then why now do I feel the men my age or older are not worthy of me
These broken down men with their pot bellies, bald heads, tired worn out faces
with the smell of hospital death surrounding them
These men are not my peers
Instead the young men engage me with their beauty and life force
Perhaps, my friend will say to me, even now,
why do you dispute and rebel the inevitable
You must face your age and your death
with equanimity, calmly, nobly
I will answer
that’s good for you
you calm, serene, clear soul
I have another soul
and this soul
tells me to remain a child