A different kind of poem. What do you all think?

Monfort left the Boogie Down
it wasn't raining
wasn't cold
just another day
Peebles had to get up on the hill.
had to see
was flooding in the flats
hailstones built like donut holes
were getting the way.

No one told him other wise
he didn't know from hay
Monfort was no country boy
farthest south he'd been was
somewhere up the Battery

Peebles had no clue neither
he's from up the ridge
somewhere north of Houston
but not quite Peekskill see

Neither one knew much of nothin' really
couldn't tell a hemlock from a beech
didn't really matter much
both had just enough between em'
for a bunch of fritos
and some cheese

Anonymous2008-12-14T21:07:53Z

Favorite Answer

Lmao. Sweet poem!

smartsassysabrina2008-12-14T21:15:24Z

This is an OK poem, but it doesn't go anywhere. You've described two men in an interesting way, but the piece doesn't have any consistent structure. I would change a few words. "farthest south he'd been was somewhere DOWN the Battery" and "hailstones built like donut holes"? I don't think that makes sense. Maybe "hailstones built like girders made of steel", that would also reinforce the big city theme.

Anonymous2008-12-14T21:59:30Z

goooooooooooood