Since my 5th day of marriage, I've regretted getting married?
I've been married for more than 8 years in what my wife thinks is an awesome relationship. I've been faking it. I married a bit hastily, and without any feelings. I assessed that my wife would be a great wife and mother (and I was right), and figured the feelings would come in time. They never did. I've tried so many things to make love where it doesn't exist. Counseling, books, prayer, etc...nothing works. We have two kids, and I am not willing to make a decision that takes them away from me. I'd like to keep the relationship in tact. Do you have anything that can help me?
Elder Greg2009-01-20T12:23:33Z
Favorite Answer
Vincent,
What is love?
I mean think about it for a few minutes.
Is love a feeling? No.
Is love passion? No.
Is love being happy? No.
So what is love. I believe you already know the answer my brother...
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
The very essience of love is God. And the very exspression of God's love is when He gave His Son. God gave HIs very best. God gave to those who reject His gift. God gives the free gift of salvation even to those who mock the sacrifice of Christ on the Cross. Loves exspression is found in the giving of ones self. Just as God gave His very heart, you must do the same to your wife.
Vincent, I'm going to (as we say in the south) "shoot straight" with you in the next few senteces so please do not be offended.
When you married your wife it was a commitment you made not only to her, but to God. No man an island. Every desision we make effects someone, especialy those who are close to us (i.e. your wife and children). The Lord has placed us as men in posiosions of leadership as husbands. So I challenge you, as one husband to another...as one father to another...as one me man to another, that you shake off this self pity, this self doubt, and the trick of the enemy that would like nothing better than to see another marrage fail. Come on Vincent! We are men, not children. As husbands and fathers, we have a greta resposability to those whom God has placed in our care (our family).
So what is my advice to you?
#1. Shake off any doubts you may have about your marrige and your relationship with your wife. Have a made up mind that come "hell or high water" you are going to do everything within your power to stand committed to your wife, and the vow you made to her before God.
#2. Put first things first. Place God, and His kingdom first, and He will make sure that everything else will work out.
Mt. 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
#3. Don't listen to the advice of unbelievers. Especialy here on the YA.
#4. Don't trust your "feelings", trust God. Since God placed you and your wife together then feelings are secondary to His will.
#5. Gaurd your confesion. I am not saying that you should lie about what your going through. But always add a "but" or a "yet" to it. For instance "I don't have feelings of love for my wife, but I am in love with her." Our words have power, so speak life and not death over your marrige.
For awhile, when you first "fall in love" with someone, the Neurotransmitter going through your head is called P.E.A. Overtime, you build up a tolerance for this, and between about 6 months - 1 year it wears off. During that time, you're almost literally addicted to the person. 5 days is not long enough to know anyone, let alone marry, and this was most definitely a mistake. A well trained actor could put up a facade for 5 days, let alone when you're now miles away. My suggestion would be to get a divorce, and if you still feel connected after awhile, then maybe get married again, but marriage has legal ties to it which can screw up your whole life situation if you're not careful. Tread lightly, and good luck to you.
I hate to tell you this, if you are honest with your wife and tell her you never really loved her then the relationship will not be left in tact. After 8 years its too late to tell her you never loved her. If any thing, tell her the passion is gone - at least that way she will be comforted with the thought that she did once have love. Unfortunately if you do want the real love feeling, you will have to leave and be single again to find it and that means divorce, don't try to find it while you are still married - it will end even worse. What if you did meet some one you loved and she didn't like kids or she just made you miserable? You may have married hastily, but its been 8 years with 2 kids, and she is a great wife and mother. Its not her fault you did this without feelings so please do not tell her what she thought was love, was not at all. What ever you decide, at least spare her feelings from the knowledge that her memories of your wedding day and all the happiest moments of her life are tainted forever, if you tell her you never loved her the same way.
Hey, it is what it is... you made a mistake and you are dealing with it. Some of these people act like you are the devil when in reality, you were just being honest. I also think it's great that you value your kids well being over your own... that is what a great parent does!
The only thing I can say is continue to pray and maybe those feelings will turn around for you! If she is a great wife and mother, then there is no harm to stay with her until the kids are gone. You made a mistake, sure it's not the first and surely won't be the last... just don't mistreat the wife because you feel trapped!
Awe, this is so sad to hear. While you openly admit that you don't have feelings for your wife,this will come as such a shock to her if you were too admit this to her flat out. She'll feel like this came out of left field, in which it will. She'll feel like you've deceived her. I think that while you are being honest with your feelings, you should probably seek out the advice of a professional- a counselor who can tell you how you should approach this situation. Are you sure that you've been faking it for 8 years, If you're wife thinks that it's awesome, you must be doing a wonderful job. I sure that maybe you did love your wife at some point and it's just fizzled out somewhat. I'm sorry but I don't really have any advice that would help you.