I need some advice, discipline question?? (kind of long, please help!)?
Well, my boyfriend's relatives have been coming over a lot lately, and they have a 3 year old little girl and a 8 month old little boy. We have a 2 year old little girl and I am 8 months pregnant. Our girls DO NOT seem to get along at all. My daughter is having a really hard time sharing her things with this other little girl. Now, my daughter goes to daycare everyday and is around children her age, ALOT, and I never noticed sharing being that big of a problem before, and her teachers at school say that she plays nicely there. The only thing I can come up with is that, when this other little girl is playing with my daughter's things she snatches the toys up and immediatly says "mine". Both my boyfriend and I have sat my daughter down and explained to her that even though all the toys in our house are hers, no one is going to take them away from the house. That the little girl is just using them, etc. and she really seems to get it, then they get playing, and as soon as the little girl says "mine" its like it triggers my daughter into defense mode and they start fighting back and forth over whos it is. Now with my relatives I'm not afraid to discipline other people's children, but these people are not related to me, so I feel funny when I speak up. I really think that if they, as her parents, spoke up and said something like "No, thats not yours, its hers, but you can use it," it might make some sort of a difference. I don't know what to do, but it is really stressing me out. I work all day and am about to have another baby, and I just cant take the arguing anymore. How do I get these girl's to play nice?
P.S. Not being mean or anything here, but my daughter is a little more developmentally advanced then this other little girl, like as far as speech and listening, I think that might have something to do with it too. Like the other little girl might not mean "mine" but thats how she's expressing that she wants to play with that particular toy, and my daughter is seeing it as she's claiming her belongings. Also, my daughter has A LOT less of a problem sharing her toys with the 8 month old baby.
Please help, they are going to send me into early labor one of these evenings I swear!!!! :-(
Thanks in advance.
2009-12-11T10:33:01Z
Most of the time, our company is already at our house when my daughter and I get home from work and school, as my boyfriend is there before us. And also, like I previously stated, my daughter does not have a problem sharing her toys with their youngest. She actually plays amazingly well when her other 3 year old girl cousin comes over. I dont know, I guess its time for me to just step in and say something to the parents, or like one answer said, simply tell the other little girl that the toys arent hers and she may use them, but if the problem consists, I'll take it away. And I'm going to bring select toys out to play with!! Hope this works!!
Thanks everyone!!
munkeroos2009-12-11T11:06:17Z
Favorite Answer
It's an age and territory thing. The theory is that until about 4-5 years old - children really aren't able to understand the concept of sharing. They may share toys that are not theirs - but ones they know are theirs they are unable to share because they think the other child will take it and not give it back.
Some are really good, or passive - some children will just go find another toy when a toy is snatched, others react. It's all normal.
What you might want to do right now, because they are both really unable to do anything other than what they are - is set up activities for them to do beside eachother, and keep the toys cleaned up. Set them on the floor with some towels, and buckets of water and scoops and dishes - let them have some water play. Make sure they each have one of each thing - one spoon, one ladle, one tupperware container, etc.
At her age they tend to parallel play a lot better if they're engaged in an activity. Set them up with crayons and paper, water colors and paper and paint brushes, etc. It doesn't have to be anything over the top exciting - just something to keep them engaged, side by side, but not actually doing the same thing together. It will help the fights.
Of course, they will still want to play with toys at some point - if your daughter has multiples of toys (even if they're not identical) try to keep those ones out, and the ones she only has one of, put away. Put those toys out in the main area, and keep her other toys in the room.
This way they can each have a dolly, or teddy, or whatever. Other toys that work well at that age are things like mega-blocks where there are MANY of the same toy, they're a lot less likely to fight over the same toy if they can each have some.
Another thing that would help is if you're able to intercept before the snatch happens. If you see the other girl headed for your daughter and her toy - jump in "Oh, it looks like suzy would like to play with that - can she have a turn, she'll give it right back!" It warns your daughter - she's likely not only reacting to the child playing with her toys, but the abruptness of the snatching - so if you can talk to her about it, before anything happens between the two, she might respond better.
You may also ask the other parents to pack some toys that you don't have at your house, with them when they come over. Your daughter will likely be interested in the new toys, and likewise with their daughter with your toys. This could work really well, or not at all if they both get defensive!
Good luck - it will get better as they get older and are better able to play together, communicate and understand sharing fully.
Your daughter is 2 years old. The fact is, kids don't share at this age. The reason she shares at daycare is because your daughter knows that those toys aren't hers..they are essentially "everyone's" toys. But at home, she knows that those are her toys.
Before this other little girl comes over, remind your daughter "We're going to share our toys and play nice today." A little reminder goes a long way.
Once she gets ahold of a toy, let her play with it. If your daughter gets upset, tell her "She's going to play with it for just a minute, and then it can be your turn."
When the other one is saying "mine", I think you're right that that's just how she expresses that she wants to play with it.
Maybe try getting out some toys that your daughter doesn't play with much. Hopefully the other girl will gravitate towards those and maybe it won't bother your daughter as much then.
Neither little girl is at fault here. One wants to play, and the other just isn't old enough to understand sharing. Just keep practicing with her and eventually she'll learn.
Toddlers think that EVERYTHING is theirs- that's totally normal. And sitting your daughter down and explaining that everything in the house is hers is not going to help. It doesn't matter how smart she is, she's still only 2 and 2-year-olds have a really hard time sharing. This is way worse at home, of course, because it's your daughter's 'home turf" and her toys. But instead of focusing on disciplining the other child for trying to play with your daughter's toys, you should instead try to teach your daughter to be gracious and share her things with others. Help her to understand that when there is a guest in the house, she needs to be a good friend and share her things. If she has a few select toys that you know she'll have a hard time sharing, be sure to put them away before her friend comes over. Also, you might want to try putting out toys or games that lend themselves to sharing and cooperative play. When my daughter has play dates, we play with things like play-doh (making sure we have enough for each child), coloring books, and dress-up clothes (we have a bin full of different clothes). This is totally normal for little kids to fight over their "stuff". Just wait till your little one comes; you'll be breaking up even more fights! Good luck!
Talk to the other girl's parents and ask them to say that. Also, have your daughter put aside some toys that she really likes and does not want to share with anyone. U can put those away when the other girl comes over and maybe that will help a little bit.
How is the little girl related to your boyfriend? If she is his niece than he needs to say something to his bother/sister or whoever the child's parent is. He needs to tell them "Amanda does not mind sharing her toys with Jessica but Jessica needs to understand that they are still Amanda's toys"
Also, even if the other little girl is not related to you, it is still your home. When the 3yo takes one of your daughter's toys and says "Mine" just say politely (but firmly) "No, Jessica, that is not your toy. it is Amanda's (or whatever their names are) but if you ask nicely I am sure she will share with you." At that point if she start to have a tantrum just take the toy yourself and say "Well if you can't share nicely, I will just put it away until you leave". This should clue in the other child's parents that they need to step in and say something to their daughter.