Do I invite my fiance's crazy sister to our wedding?
My fiance's sister is crazy. She screams and yells and starts a fight at every family event we go to. She is verbally and physically abusive and has done physical damage to myself, my fiance, and our son in the past. I don't trust her not to ruin our wedding day, but his family is insistent that she has to be invited. They have gone so far as to say that if she is not invited, they will not come either. We are stuck between a rock and a hard place, because we don't want her to cause a scene, but also want the rest of his family to come. What should I do?
Micah M2010-02-03T12:26:23Z
Favorite Answer
Invite her, and boot her rear end out the door at the first sign of a "scene".
Sadly this is going to be an issue forever. You need to discuss your feelings with your fiance about his family and sister now. Maybe go to pre marriage counseling with him. Talk it out. I think for the health of your relationship you need to let your FIANCE make the decision. Tell him what worries you about his sister attending. But that it is HIS sister so you will let HIM decide if she should be invited or not. If you insist she can't come then you are making a very dangerous demand. Your fiance may resent you later and everyone from his family will know that YOU didn't allow his sister to attend. You will be looked at as the evil witch and she is now the victim. That's how his family will see it. So don't risk turning her into the innocent victim but not allowing her to attend the wedding. Instead discuss this with him and let HIM decide what to do. If he won't make a decision then tell him that's a decision right there. He isn't inviting her if he refuses to make the decision. I would make sure that his entire family knows that you have left the invitations on his side up to HIM. That you have no say in the matter on whom he invites or doesn't invite. Put it on him so no one can blame you if she doesn't attend.
Normally I would say to go with the put her on a short leash and have her removed from the venue at the first sign of trouble.
However...you said that she is physically abusive and hurt your son. That moves her from the category of annoying to evil. And your future in-laws reinforce this behavior by insisting that she be invited. If anything...you have to exclude her for no other reason than to protect your son.
Your fiance should tell his parents "we would really love for you to share our happiness, but we understand the choice that you are making. We will see you when we come home from our honeymoon and you can see the pictures. We love you, but having sister at the wedding is not something we can compromise on because of her past behavior. We'll miss you!"
Your fiance takes the high road...while also setting a limit. And it sets the pattern for the rest of your lives. My guess is that most of the family will go to the wedding, and the few that do not, then you save the cost of their meals.
You are under no obligation to invite anyone "toxic" to your wedding. The problem in inviting her but keeping her on a short leash is that you've just given your fiance's family permission to manipulate you (which is what they did when they threatened not to come). For one day, it isn't a big deal....but what happens the next time she's abusive to you or your son at a family event? Is your fiance sticking up for you and the son as much as he should be?
I honestly think you need to set the tone for your future relations with them by telling his parents (actually, he's the one who should do so) that they will be invited to the wedding and you'd love to see them, but you are not inviting his sister. The only reason she keeps getting away with this crap is because no one calls her on it, and your wedding day is as good a time as any to start. But I'd also make sure hubby can stand up to his parents on this, because if he can't, that in itself could be a problem down the road.
Your wedding day is for you and your fiance's happiness. You want peace and joy and love from your friends and your family and you want to be able to remember only good memories during this time. You want everything to go according to plan and if that means that you're not inviting someone because she will eventually do something to create a bad memory during your special day then you're absolutely in the right and she should not come.
I can understand why your fiance's family would be upset by this. After all, it is a family event. His family is choosing sides and I think you just let them do what they want and not worry about what their decision is. If he's okay with it and you're in agreeance as a unit already then you'll continue to have a strong marriage. You cannot let others dictate your wants and desires in life especially one that falls on such an important day. It's about you two - not your sister or future sister-in-law.