Adoptees who reunited with their first/birth moms?
I know that the connection between mom and child tends to be stronger/different than that of the dad and child (not in ALL cases, obviously). For those who searched for their moms and found them, have you also searched for your dads(assuming they weren't still together) ?
How many of you had your parents search and find you? Was it your mom or dad who made the first move?
I am just interested... it seems that a lot of the time, the main concern is the mother. I say this from my own experience of my mother abandoning me and also that we have adopted 2 foster daughters... the thought of 'accepting/explaining' that their mom couldn't take care of them breaks my heart more than the thought of their dad.
Thanks :)
2010-02-17T16:56:43Z
Miss Clover, my half brother is the father to one of my girls and the other father is unknown. They share the same mother. get over YOURSELF. I am curious about why it seems to hurts so much more with our moms.
Anonymous2010-02-17T16:34:44Z
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I have - found both the back end of last year.
My dad had the ability to search for me, and actively chose not to; my mom couldn't remember what my aparents were called, and thought we'd moved out of the area (I actually spent almost every weekend just over the road from my bmom and older sis that she kept 'cause my adad's mom lived in the flats opposite them). My sis wanted to search, but only had the same info. to go on as my mom, and so didn't have a clue where to start.
My mom I got in touch with through a PM on FB, and my dad... he had me turn up all of a sudden on his doorstep. Turning up out-of-the-blue on your dad's doorstep 37 years after you were born may not be the best idea, but it worked out well for me. :)
In the fantasies growing up, my dad was an unknown quantity. I knew that he'd obviously existed, or else I wouldn't exist, but that was as far as my knowledge of him went. My mom however, I'd heard dribs and drabs and stories about, and so she obviously existed more in reality for me.
Moms are s'posed to be the ones that fight to the death to defend you, while dads are off out doing the hunting. Moms are the ones who pick you up when you fall, and the ones that make all the pain go away. Moms are the ones that instinctively understand their kid, and can (at least until puberty kicks in ;)) read their kids like a book. This is all what we're force fed in the West growing up. This is what makes it hurt so god damned much knowing that YOUR MOM obviously couldn't've loved you very much, because she abandoned you. This is why it hurts.
I was talking about the adoption crap I'm currently going through with one of my lecturers at college the other day, and she asked me what really gnawed about my dad. Simple, I explained, he didn't fight for me. She made a comment along the lines of "same as your mom," which I had to point out nooooooo... she didn't just not fight for me, she's the one who abandoned me! I think there was probably something of an indignant screech creeping in by the time I'd got to the end of the correction. <g>
Tell them the truth. Be honest with them. Just remember to keep it age appropriate.
You should try to get in to see an adoption knowledgeable counsellor of some kind, else you could end up reflecting your own problems on to your kids.
I always thought about my mom, not so much my f dad. I did find my mother and it has been wonderful. She has enough information that I could probably find him when I am ready. The thing is, I haven't been ready. It has been very wonderful but exhausting to meet my first family. I just haven't had the energy to go any farther.
The other thing is, that I know that he left my mother because she was pregnant. He did know about me and it was his response that led to my adoption. My mother did not want to do it. I don't exactly have warm feelings about him. My adopted father was not a great dad either so I think somewhere I have a basic distrust of men that has made me hesitant to find him. I might someday, just not ready.
My nmom, my siblings & I were all reunited through ISRR. We were all searching. Our ndad is deceased. Yes, there's a strong connection with our nmom.
Some adoptees look for their nmoms first because it used to be common practice to leave ndads off of all records, so the only way to go about a search was to go through the nmom first.
I wish your girls the best as they learn of their truths, and commend you for trying to find a kind & honest way to approach it.
You are correct. We are bonded in the MOST physical way with out first Mothers. Thats true with all children at first, lol. I rarely gave my f Dad a second thought while growing up, sorry to say.
I made the first move, because I was the one to find them.
I found my first mom. I knew my first dad had passes away, so looking for him wasn't an option. However I was curious about him and so I talked to a lot of ppl who knew him.
My ex-husband is also adopted and while he wants to find his first mom he has no desire to find his first dad. I don't know why, he just said he never was interrested.