Why do A-parents feel threatened by Adoptee reuniting with N-parents?

As an adoptive parent of a son just over 30 now, I never felt the least bit threatened for my relationship with my son. What I wasn't thrilled about was that his birth parents were "pieces of work" (in the worst way). He had always known he was adopted, but you don't tell a little kid all the dirty details (and there are often "dirty details" behind a lot of adoptions).

The birth parents were shadowy figures with no names, which is very different than seeing faces, knowing names, and discovering that - 21 years after the adoption - they're a giant "can of worms". As an adoptive parent, I knew my son had built his identity on his life with us. He had a nice family and a nice home, and I worried that he'd be thrown for a loop to have these "new" people become realities to him. He was only 21, but we had had some tragedy in the family; and he wasn't as ready as I thought he should be at the time.

I didn't feel insecure OR threatened. I felt protective of my son. He had been hurt in a bad prenatal environment. When he was a newborn someone physically hurt him too. Then her failure to take care of her baby meant that she would give him the "legacy" of growing up as an adopted child (and so many adoptees do have issues). I worked very hard to think of ways to help him not view being adopted as a bigger deal than it has to be. (I have two biological children too, and I made sure he didn't feel any different.) When he had school problems as a result of his early head injury and lack of feeling safe and secure, I was the one who spent 15 years, trying to find ways to find answers about his learning problems in school. (I now know that if a baby isn't made to feel safe and secure in the first three years of life his brain connections won't form properly, and it can affect things like his immune system and stress response for the rest of his life, besides creating problems in school.)

30 years after this person injured a two-month-old infant my son is still paying, in some ways, for what that birth mother did. Just as I knew it would, his reunion did knock him for a giant emotional loop; and even though I don't want to seem like I think I'm a martyr (after all, I have enjoyed every minute of having my son in my life; and I love him every bit as much as I love his sister and brother), the fact is I'm still - all these years later - trying to figure out how to say the right things that will make him feel fine again.

When you have a child and love him the way any normal mothers love her child, it isn't about you - it's always about what you believe is best for him. As an adoptive mother, I had always just figured a reunion would be a possibility. I was fine with that. In fact, when my son received the notice and said he wasn't interested, I was the one who (out of a sense of decency) said, "Can you just let her know you're ok. She deserves that much.) That was the dumbest thing I ever could have done; because if he had been a little older he could have handled the can of worms better.

Oops - this question obviously hit a nerve, didn't it.... :)

ttp://adoptionlwarren.blogspot.com/ ("On Adoption - Love, Lisa", dedicated to my son)

"... truly there is nothing to fear, the adoptee could never think of the A-parents in any different way than they do ,they are mom and dad and would not have to share their parenthood"

Wanna bet? This is a hugely misinformed and generalizing statement. Many adoptees (not all) DO find a mom and dad at the end of their search. It is up to the people who raised them to find space in their hearts and lives to embrace the second mother and father and not be threatened by the fact that the adoptee always had two sets: one set present and another set "in exile." The "lifetime guarantee" that agencies give is in many cases nothing more than a sales-pitch to sell the infant.

The theft of my baby was not an "unselfish act of love" on my part. My love was expressed in wanting with all my heart to keep him. However, at the time, in the country i lived in, human rights were routinely ignored and an "unmanned mother" could lose her baby at birth solely because she had no-one to protect her.

My son found a mom in reunion. He found me. It is neither of our faults that the people who had ended up with him didn't recognize our mother-son relationship.

Signed, mom of 4

3 raised and 1 reunited after abduction/adoption

We weren't /aren't in any way. We encourage it.

As far as it won't change how an adoptee feels about their parent, I don't think that is always true. An aboptee in reunion may very well feel that the parent who raised him/her hurt their mother or they may wish they would have been raised by their first parents. That could freak some APs out, but it's no reason to butt into another persons relationship.

Did anyone else see the locator where the young mother of twins lost them (literally lost them) when the father gave them for adoption to an acquaintance of an acquaintance and when she found them she wanted to tell them how bad she wanted to keep them and that it was a fishy adoption.

She asked the amom if she even thought about where the MOM was when she was adopting the boys. Amom pretty much shrugged her shoulders and was like "I was told you didn't want them", but she never actually looked for her.

I think a situation like that might keep parents from supporting a reunion. Secrets come out and feelings get hurt when you keep things from each other.

I feel that if you are raised in an open relationship then there is no need for a "reunion" .

I don't think I will feel threatened when my children reunite with their original mom; however, I will fee some trepidation for them. Their parents did not "relinquish" the children, they were taken due to neglect, and some other things I wish not to mention.

I do hope mom straightens out her life in the meantime and that a reunion will be a good thing for my children when they are ready.

I feel a little scared of my kids reunited with one of their n-parents, but not insecure or threatened. If that's what they want to do, I can't stop them. But he was extremely abusive (sexually, emotionally, and physically) and conniving, so I do worry. And he didn't unselfishly give them up. They were put into foster care and his rights were terminated.

On the other hand, the other fist dad and their first mom were awesome. They did decide to sign over their rights after about 6 months, but waited until the other dad's rights were terminated so there wasn't a chance he could get the kids again. We keep contact with that first dad and his extended family and are going to his family farm for a hayride next weekend. Their first mom passed away in August and I still miss her dearly. We were close and the kids had continued contact with her. In fact, they saw her the week before she died.

I am not adopted but I think so. Most first moms relinquished because of being in a bad situation, money, no support etc. Situations change some for the better some for the worse. Some changed because they gave the child up and were able to move ahead.

I am an a-mom and my son knows his b- parents one happens to be my step sister who we see maybe 2-3 times a year and the father Ive talked to send pics when I can get a hold of him. He hasn't seen him since he was 4 when the adoption was final. It scares me that when he gets older he will want to get close with them. Yeah part of it is im his mommy, I took care of him, did everything for him not her. Second part is she was not good to him. Neither was the father. They are in to drugs, locked up stuff like that. They use to use him to get at each other. More than once he was left outside alone as a little baby. He was passed around alot. Too many other really bad things to get into. I don't want him to know this stuff and I don't want him hurt. Third I don't want him to be around people like that and start acting in the same way. For example his mother showing up from prison to court to sign her rights away. I see alot of them in him and I worry that he might start acting like them if he is around them. I want better for him.

Mine weren't really Threatened, they were more concerned how i would react to finding out that my natural parents had always been there. After the initial "what!!!" reaction, i went on to attempt getting to know them, without giving my natural family hope i'd consider them family. Because, they weren't, and never would be.

Mine wasn't exactly the typical adoption scenario. My adoption was kept inside the family. And if you're wondering why, my adoptive father ended up in foster care after his father died, and was bounced around from home to home, and didn't want the same to happen to myself and my twin brother. He also couldn't bear the thought that we (my twin and i) might be separated, as that happened alot!

My parents would never feel threatened if I chose to search and reunite. They would support me just like they always have in everything I've wanted to do.

"...think about the unselfish act of love the n-parent gave in relinquishing."

What is *with* this assumption that relinquishing is ALWAYS an unselfish act?

It's not always a so-called sacrifice. Sometimes it's *gasp* coercion. That ain't a sacrifice. ;)

To actually answer your question: some parents are insecure because they fear that the child will want to return to the original parents.