SAHM, desperately needs help with my 3 year old boy!?

Question

As if a switch went off, my darling 3 year old little boy has turned... he refuses to listen or do anything he is asked.  Clean up, put on your coat and shoes, holding hands in parking lots, etc. which were all celebrated events (look how helpful you are, you take such good care of your toys!  what a big boy you are, you can dress yourself! thank you for being safe and holding my hand across the street) have now become drag down, screaming tantrum events.  He now refuses to nap to the point that he passes out on the couch around dinnertime because he's exhausted (despite the many opportunities this once excellent sleeper is given to rest.)  He will even follow me out of a store, stop, smile and start walking the other way.  Once loving and doting on his brother (17 months) he now finds opportunities to hurt and aggravate him (stealing every single toy the baby picks up, pushing him over just when he walks past, etc.

I feel like I have NOTHING in my parenting arsenal to address this behavior.  I know it's 'typical' and so many kind mothers have reassured me that it will pass, but for now I feel that there is a very toxic relationship brewing between us - where he defies a request, I ask politely for him to do it again, he goes to time out (which has become a joke) and I end up yelling... so he cries, complies with my request, and I look at him and say 'I don't like what's happening between us.  I promise you, I will find a way to make this better for both of us.'

So please, help me make it better.  We ordered the 'Love and Logic' book for birth to 6 years, and 'Raising an Amazing Child the Montessori Way' in hopes that these tried and true methods will offer us some guidance (they very much fit in with our family values and interests for our children.)  Any books or parenting methods that have worked for you, we're all ears.

We do provide him with structure, a healthy amount of freedom, and would rather be inconvenienced with a mess than to say no to him wanting to fingerpaint, play in the kitchen sink with water, etc.  Our rules and boundaries are about 10% of our parenting style, exploring, playing, and learning are 90%.

Thank you in advance for all of your help.

lindseyh911 · Accepted Answer

Oh, I wish I had all the answers to make this better for you!  Every parent goes through it with every child they raise.  

What has worked well for me with my 2 boys (ages 3 & 4), is to cover the rules and expectations right up front.  Before we get out of the car I say "we're gonna hold hands in the parking lot, when we get in the store you both need to hold onto the cart and walk quietly".  It usually works pretty well and they both know the consequences if they let go of the cart is that they have to get in the cart.  Both would rather walk than ride, so they behave fairly well.

If one of my boys is playing with a toy and the other takes it away or they fight over it,  it becomes my toy for a while, then gets returned to the child that had it first.  They don't like losing their toys for any period of time. If I have to take it away twice, it's mine for the rest of the day.

When one of my kids hurts the other, it's straight to the time out rug with no argument and I set the timer.  If they scream or act out in time out, I reset the timer.  Afterwards I have a little talk with him and he has to apologize to his brother.  It's not perfect and doesn't work every time, but it has helped reduce the out bursts between the boys and the ones in time-out.

It sounds like your son is testing his boundaries to see what you'll let him get away with.  You need to make your boundaries and expectations clear from the start and enforce them.  He can still play, explore, learn and have fun, but he'll learn to do it within the boundaries.

You'll figure out what works best for your family, whatever it is, be consistant.

mattfromasia · Answer

The "Raising an Amazing Child the Montessori Way" is a good book.  I think it sounds like a Montessori outlook would be something you would really feel OK with.  

I would also recommend the following books:
http://astore.amazon.com/monteblog-20/detail/0380811960  (How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk)

I have also heard good things about this book, but am not familiar with it first hand:
http://astore.amazon.com/monteblog-20/detail/0553067508

You'll be able to eventually get rid of the time outs, arguing, and power struggles.  At least...until they are teenagers.  Then that's a different set of books. :)

JennB · Answer

My daughter just started going through this and like you we don't set many boundaries with her (as of yet).  I've been in the process of trying things and out of the blue I just started asking her to do things rather than telling her.  Will you put on your clothes please.  Will you help me pick up your toys please.  She will say "Yes I may!" For some reason that has worked with her and I think its because she has a little more independence in answering.  I know this is a simple suggestion for a complex question but it may work for you too if you haven't tried it already.

Anonymous · Answer

Watch Supper Nanny and see how to properly give time outs!  She also has a book.  Yes, it's normal, but you have to teach him that he HAS to listen to you and mind!  Her techniques work without spanking or YELLING!  YOU are in charge, not your Son, you put him to bed and you make him stay there, he doesn't have to go to sleep, but he does have to say laying down durning nap time!  You don't just let him have his way!  You go back over to him and make him give the toy back to his brother, say he's sorry and tell him not to do it again!  IF he does, he gets a time out.  If you're teaching him proprly he will spend lots of time in time out for awhile!!!  Um, if he's making a mess with fingerpaints or playing in the sink, then HE needs to be taught to clean up the messes, not you, you're teaching him you're his maid and you are not!  You just need to watch Supper Nanny, she'll give you the exact help you need!

Caramel Delight · Answer

Sounds like he needs an old-fashined butt whoopin (if he was my child).... If not, just keep doing what your doing and see how he turns out....

Why are parents so afraid to use real discipline?  That's why their kids are bad as hell....

SAHM, desperately needs help with my 3 year old boy!?

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