Do all men look at women like this? If so, how to avoid it?

From what I've observed, the usual reaction of men, at the sight of a (more or less) pretty woman, is to express their sexual attraction to that woman. I even tried to do some mental exercises that consisted in trying to look at women around me with a man's eyes, in order to better understand this way of thinking, and indeed it looks like the first thing a man notices in a woman is her sexual desirability, or lack thereof.

Now I'm not what you'd call a feminist, but it sickens me to think that every man I interact with, from taxi drivers to shop assistants, may look at me through this prism. The possibility that my image is being sexualized in the mind of every male that sees me, it just makes my skin crawl. I'd like to know that there is such a thing as a strictly professional, or platonic, or just otherwise than sexual, relationship between a man and a woman. I'd like that the only men that look at me in this way are the ones I choose to, not just everyone. Perhaps all of this sounds weird, but I can tell what's in someone's mind when regarding someone else like this, and that's what offends me. They don't see your personal qualities, your accomplishments, your brilliant mind, or your fantastic skills in certain areas. They see just a nice body they'd like to bang. That's what I find offensive, this reductionist view of someone. My whole persona being reduced to just that.

I've talked to one of my guy friends about this, and all he could tell me is that all men think like that, no exceptions, and that I should just deal with it and maybe take advantage of it. But I find such a thing below my dignity, I would never do something like that. And I'd seriously like to think that there are at least some men left that listen first to their reason, not to their animal instincts.

So, does this apply to all men? And if it does, is there any way to avoid it, perhaps one that doesn't involve a sex change surgery, or damaging my physical appearance?

2010-04-03T16:20:10Z

@Soulminer: Because humans are supposed to know better. There's also the "sapiens" part in "Homo sapiens". Violence is also part of natural behavior, yet most of us are sickened by it.

2010-04-03T16:30:37Z

I can deal with someone judging me from an aesthetic point of view when he first meets me; actually this is quite welcome and I do it too. I don't like it, though, when I'm having a conversation with a guy on a more or less serious topic, and he's fantasizing about me sleeping with him or something like that.

2010-04-03T16:36:02Z

@Maxi R: I think that in 30 years I might find someone whose appreciation of me is enough to no longer need second opinions, thank you very much.

Flutterby2010-04-03T18:51:32Z

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Oh, trust me, that's not all there is. I actually find that many men who look at me in this way are perfectly aware that I'm not just a nice body. They know that I'm a person who happens to have what they consider a nice body. I used to be a swinger, and I'd usually chat with those I slept with. They were, for the most part, very respectful even though we were little more than sexual partners.

The only men who look at women and see nothing but possible sex are immature or obsessed with sex. Sexualization doesn't necessarily mean that that's all they see. There are men who'll go up to a woman they find attractive and talk with her, try to find something in common and, if they seem to click, ask her out. They definitely see her sexually, or they wouldn't be interested in romance, but they also look for something beyond that. Also, I have plenty of male friends. Some of them think I'm attractive and have told me so, but in the way female friends will complement eachother in a platonic way. Others don't think I'm attractive, but hey, we're still friends.

Sadly, there's no way to control who sees you sexually. I really don't know what else to say about that. It's like wishing that the only people who could see you as ugly are those you didn't like or something. It's just beyond your control. Part of life. Just know that it usually doesn't mean anything. If I see someone unattractive, I'm not going to go up and declare them ugly unless I'm an awful human being. Same with those who randomly sexually proposition strangers in an inappropriate setting (f*ck the catcallers). They're rare. Relax.

Anonymous2010-04-03T16:35:17Z

No such large generalization is ever wholly correct. There is nothing you can say that is true of all men. But evolution does indeed give us hormones, and our culture uses attraction commercially, so there is a certain preoccupation with it, as you note.

In a psych lab, if you show a woman a picture of a baby her pupils get larger. It's hard wired into us. And if you show a man a picture of a pretty girl, his pupils dilate, too, for the same reason. Nature want to be darn sure the species persists; that's what it's all about.

However, your reaction to the situation could use some examination. First off, nobody yet has been damaged by being looked at. Second, not all of us participate, and some of us find the assumption insulting. Not all women sense the insult you do; many take it as a compliment. One of my correspondents told me she is pleased that age 40 "I still turn heads." Bear in mind you do not in fact know what you think you do.

Be assured that your fantastic skills and brilliant mind will not go unappreciated for long, and try to remedy your own reductionist views of men; you'll feel a lot better if you can manage it. I think you will have a hard time finding a good relationship so long as you harbor your present attitudes.

?2010-04-03T16:31:23Z

Nah, not all guys are like this. That being said, I do catch myself staring at a hot woman quite often. That being said, I don't think that thats the problem. The problem probably is more in how men deal with this attraction. I do stare, but I wouldn't be so blunt as to look at her with a jaw-lock.

It's nonsense that every guy "sexualizes" women. When I get a crush on a woman it usually is more due to her personality, her interests and second maybe due to her gorgeous looks. It's just the *first* thing guys notice, because it's in our nature, but it by NO means is the *only* thing we notice. Besides, you can't control people's thoughts, nor should you.

Short answer: No. Not all men see you as just a sexobject. It's probably not even the majority either. Sure, we like a hot looking woman, but being hot doesn't mean we no longer see you as a full person.

Anonymous2016-03-03T12:06:31Z

OK very good points here. Yes the music has no positive influence at all. Yes you can go underground and dig everywhere and find it but it probably want be quality music. What's important is what's on TV that's what everyone will look at anyway. I wish there was better music myself and I'm for one aren't like the girls you mentioned. I feel sorry for them and they probably grew up without their father or mother just aren't doing her job. I point the blame to these rappers because they know we look up to them so they need to do better. Hell what can you say about this the economy sucks people are stingy with their money right now so only a select of rappers control the audience for now.

.2010-04-03T16:30:13Z

Maybe not all, but most men will think sexual thoughts when they see an attractive woman. It's just nature. That doesn't mean that is the only thing they think of, but it is part of their thinking. Why does it make your skin crawl? You can still talk to men and show off your intellect and personality. There are a handful of men who view women purely as flesh, but a lot of men will get to know you after the initial visual impression, so to speak.

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