do you consider your child's relationships with family (including extended family)?
inherently and significantly more important than their relationships with people outside their family?
do you think the relative importance of those two sets of people change as a child gets older?
do your opinions on the centrality of family relationships affect your opinions about daycare, your decisions regarding the people to whom you will entrust your child, your policies about how often your child has friends over, your opinions about how much time you believe children should spend at home vs. with friends or doing outside activities, or your expectations about how much time extended family should spend with your kids and/or help out with them?
how about you, as an adult? do you have many meaningful, lasting, valuable relationships with people outside your family? did you have relationships like that as a child? how important to you is it that your children develop those kinds of relationships?
2011-09-21T09:23:44Z
lol. all my questions are super long. i can't ask one question without thinking of three related ones. feel free to pick and choose what you want to answer.
Anonymous2011-09-21T10:11:54Z
Favorite Answer
I think relationships with immediate family are key because (I believe) they help define relationships with friends and people in general. As a mother who met most of her children as toddlers and preschoolers, I gave special attention to our family dynamic first and didn't think much of their relationships with people outside of our home at first. Not because I don't think life outside of the family unit is important for children, but because family bonds are also a stepping stone for relationships with friends, co-workers and others.
Since some of the children weren't with us since birth and didn't grow up seeing us as part of their immediate circle, I wanted to strengthen our relationship in order to give them a sense of belonging, acceptance and love here, so later they would know how to build positive connections with non-relatives.
Family is central to us. Not because we want to be number one in their world. In a way its the opposite. I want to be the positive and safe figure who can help them develop better and rich bonds with their friends, neighbors, teachers etc. With us, they have room to make mistakes and practice getting along and communicating. Strangers won't be as considerate or patient.
As the children get older, I want to open the kids' horizons and to have meaningful relationships beyond parents and siblings. I never had a problem including daycare and other relatives in their lives as toddlers. Seeing other people and getting to know different personalities and ways of life are important, even at an early age. And after that, there is no going back. Their circle gets wider and wider every year, every day. But I still want them to be at home with us now and then (the teenager has to be at home and with us sometimes too) just to remind them that we are here, that we care and that their presence and time brings happiness to our world.
I wish I could have my children's friends over more often. We're a big family and I am not enough of a super woman to care for my brood and other people's children on a regular basis. We limit the amount of friends and the time they can be at home, not because I want them to be only with us, but because one extra child makes a big difference for us. But activities outside of home are encouraged. To be perfectly honest, I am also happy that the children get along so well (or well enough) and having six brothers and sisters is enough to keep them entertained and happy at home.
Yes, it makes me smile when I think of the many friendships we've maintained and while there is a special spot on my heart for family, I also love my friends and have affection and esteem for many others. I hope that the kids can have both things in the future, a close and special bond with their siblings, parents and other relatives, and also good friends to cherish.
No, family members are no more important than the friends they make.
No, their age is irrelevant. However, the length of the relationship is. I.E. They've known grandpa all their life and their classmates just a couple of years. I'd expect them to be more attached to grandpa at the moment.
No affect at all. My only criteria is are they nice to my kid and generally good people. I've found my kid to be much more forgiving than I am. I'd have written a couple of their friends off by now. I talked to my kid about my feelings and they decide to invite them over anyway. They can manage their relationships how they see fit.
I have no expectations of my extended family. If they want to see me or my kid (Which is much more likely) they're welcome to.
I've never understood the attitude that we share genes, therefore we are important to one another. The friends I've known most of my life are at least as important as the rest of my family. They are the people that I know I could call in the middle of the night and would come help me out of a jamb and I trust them with that same privilege. Yes, I hope my kid develops relationships like that on their own, as well.
I truly value the friendships I have with both family members and those outside of my family. I would say, though, that I feel a deeper love for those in my family...be it immediate or not. I will also say that there are some in my family that I would not feel close to if they were not family. I have friends that I have had since being a teenager & am still in contact with weekly if not daily. But, if I did lose contact or if I had a falling out...it would not cause me as much heartache (though it would still hurt me tremendously) as if it were someone in my immediate family. (maybe not the cousin I don't see eye to eye with)
As a child my father kept us isolated from most everyone. I did not have many meaningful relationships with friends or much with those outside of my immediate family. I hate that my childhood was like that as I love people very much...and feel loving relationships are invaluable for my kids...be it family or not.
First of all, I should say that my children have two mums - I am married to a woman. I think that this greatly affects our attitudes towards family and friends.
Excluding extended family, I would say that their relationships with family were much more important than their relationships with friends. Including extended family, I would say that some friends were more important and special than their relationships with some aunts/uncles and cousins.
I think that, even within their childhood years, friends become much more important. As they grow older, their peers will be more likely to judge them and bully them about their parents' sexuality. They need to have firm friends and good social skills to prevent this/support them through this.
Family is also extremely important, however. I told my brother about my sexuality almost a year before any of my friends. This is because family will always be more steadfast and unshakeable than friends. I want my children to be able to count on me and the rest of their family and confide in us easily.
I think that certain family values would affect daycare choices - if they are those really clingy, overprotective parents, they would never dream of putting their child into daycare. My children divide their time between friends and family - the different relationships between them make for a rounded child, I think.
I have many meaningful relationships with certain family members and certain friends. I am very close with my uncle - he lives in the flat opposite us now - and my eldest brother. I am also very close with my best friend from University.
First question: Depends on how the family behaves in general and towards my child. Second question: Yes, it can Third question (which is super long, gracious!): No, not really I view all that separately Fourth question: Yes, Yes, and very. In my case my family is somewhat fractured and fractious. Also, I was a single mom from when my daughter was less than a year old to when she was 15 when I remarried. I made it a point to raise her with the understanding that family is more who you choose than who you're stuck with.