Well..where to start... recently (meaning within the last month or so) my daughter has been exhibiting very unusual and very age inappropriate behaviours (not sexually or in that way).
i've noticed that she's been very negative, kind of sullen, and withdrawn. I kind of blew it off thinking well, maybe she's just blue. then she started (at home, especially whenever she was in time out) that she hates her life, she hates, hates her sisters and that she wishes they were never born. so red flag there.
the biggest and most concerning point is that at school she told her teacher that she wanted to kill herself(then proceeded to make a slashing motion on her throat and wrists). i've never made those motions around her, and I don't watch tv around them. (however they have been exposed to some media whilst family was watching them.) regardless i'm very concerned. i have already taken the first step by taking her to a psychologist for therapy. but I don't know how to handle this on a day to day basis. as a parent what can i do to help her feel better? I have never had to deal with anything like this before.
I am so frustrated, and I feel helpless, and also really judged; but that's to be expected whenever children do anything out of the ordinary, I suppose.
Oh yes, and I think it is important to note that around the time frame she started this behaviour is when she found out about her farther and my-self's separation.(admittedly I did drop the ball on not telling them sooner)i have had talks with her about how it's not her fault and the age appropriate hows and whys of it though.
AmberP2012-03-08T01:55:48Z
Favorite Answer
I already answered the other question, but i'll add on here not to let what is happening bring YOU down. There is no reason for you to be or feel judged, but they will make you feel that way at times. I had a therapist tell me once that sometimes doctors use "sins of the mother" to relay what the child is going through when in reality, it is not the case and it is not your fault your child is going through this. Everyone goes through things like this at some point in time, if we did not we would never know what joy and pain is....because we would never have experienced it.
Sit her down, talk to her on her level...an example: I know that you are sad because mom and dad are not together anymore but we both want you to know we love you very much, say it to her every day. Get her father to say it as well if possible. Ask her if she has ever really thought out hurting herself or if she is just saying it when she is upset....do this while she is calm not when she is flipping out. You have to do this calmly as you possibly can and if she says yes, and how she has planned on hurting herself take action after talking to her to prevent it from happening... My at the time 5 year old said something like she wanted to kill herself and then went into vivid detail on how she planned on doing it. Afterwards i told her, I am glad you came to me with what is going on in your mind, i want to make sure that you promise me you will always come to me if you are having these thoughts and mommy is going to do everything in her power to get you help. It was scary as hell, i know it is , what do you say to your precious child who is having these kind of thoughts, how do you keep yourself calm and not want to cry just listening? You find it in yourself the mother in your comes out and you fight and fight for your child. Sorry got off to a rant, i went through hell and back to get my daughter help, she is 10 now and is doing great in school, at home and everywhere else, I know it took a lot of work but i'm proud of where she is today. If my daughter can get through it and has a mental illness, i am pretty darn sure your child can as well.
How old is she? You never mentioned that. Parental seperation can be a HUGE thing for kids, it's important for your daughter to have a positive relationship with both you and her father, and that she sees that you and her father have a positive relationship despite the seperation. Even if you HATE him, and vice versa, you guys need to make an effort on her behalf. You did the right thing deciding to take her to a psychologist, professional help is invaluable. For what you can do, when she say she hates everything or wants to kill herself, ask her why. You can't do anything about it if you don't know the motives behind how she feels. It's even possible that there is nothing you can do to help. Wait until she had her session with the psychologist, and ask him for advice as well. Don't feel so down, you're doing the most you can right now and you should feel good about that. You're making a real effort on your daughters behalf, there are a lot of parents out there who wouldn't even think about doing half the stuff you've done.
I'm so sorry, but you're in this for the long haul. From what you're saying, it sounds like you're doing the right thing. Keep going to the psychologist, and maybe ask if you should see a psychiatrist. The wait time to get is usually about 2 months, so find out whether this is necessary ASAP so you can get an appointment.
Make sure you keep an eye on her school attendance and performance as this will probably suffer. If she's struggling, meet with her teachers so you can make sure she's still on track with her classes. You should probably alert the school counsellor so the school can contact you if they notice any problems.
Friendships are really important. If she's withdrawn, they may be suffering, and that's not good at all. Make sure she stays in contact with her friends and makes an effort to continue communicating with them. If she loses friends, that's going to make this situation so much worse.
When it comes to you and her father, you need to keep communicating and stay on the same page with parenting. I don't know if your separation was amicable or not, but you two will need to work together to make sure she gets better.
You should also keep an eye on your other children, especially if they're younger, as this could have an effect on them as well. Make sure they don't feel like they're less important then their sister just because you're spending so much time with her (and trust me, you will).
Above all else, make sure you're patient with her, and support her. She's going through hell right now and you need to be there for her. Sometimes all you're going to want to do is scream at her, call her names, and punch her in the face (this is not advisable), but eventually this will get better.
This isn't going to be easy and it's not going to resolve itself quickly. These next few years will probably be the worst of your life, and yes, it will be years. Just don't give up, please. Keep going, and you will get through this.
From a child's perspective, you should just sit down and talk to them. I think that showing them that you care and that you really want what's best for them and that you're not there to judge, will help get her to open up. Also, there are so many other factors going on, like school, growing up, sex, weight, and etc. that could be affecting her. I've gone through this behavior before, but it was all because of school related stress (getting A's), and I got through it. But I honestly wish my parents could have sat me down and talked with me and not judged or criticized. I hope everything works out for you and your daughter!
Those Crazy Hormones If you were asked to go back in time and relive your high school days, would you do it? Overwhelmingly, many adults will respond to this question with a big, "No." The complexity of adolescence, filled with the rapidly changing hormones, pimples and social/physical insecurities, is enough to make any adult cringe. It's important to realize that defiance is a normal teenage behavior and a behavior that adults should expect. Again, reassuring your teenager that she is loved and appreciated, and that she has supportive parents who are willing to hear her side of the story is the key component in keeping a happy, healthy home environment. Good luck to you and family.