My beloved leaves me. I am trapped yet he will travel, settle far away, await my arrival.
Will distance change the amazement I saw in his eyes as he knew our future was to be one?
A day, a month, years the time passes slowly then rapidly as life rushes at both of us.
But I recall my beloved, the boy of my youthful days of folly.
I wonder, will fate, wild and wily, unite us when the season of our separation ends.
Each time we try to bring ourselves together, you alchemist you, interfere.
Destiny, unite us! We had mere days to know we were meant to be joined always.
Perhaps we are connected by the memory alone. ~
BlueFeather2012-03-10T04:10:48Z
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Please forgive these observations. They may sound harsh but NO ill will is EVER intended. You are a fine poet and I have the utmost respect for your writing. I have, however, always found free verse to be perplexing and often wonder why various authors break lines in the oddest places.
I, too, had a great deal of trouble with S6, primarily, I think, because of a missing word. In order for it to make sense to me (maybe only to me), this is how I would have preferred it to be:
Each time we try to bring ourselves together, you alchemist you, you interfere.
And now that I've incurred your wrath for daring to suggest any change at all, I may as well plunge blindly ahead with alternate versions of stanzas 3, 4, and 7 as well.
A day, a month, a year. Time passes slow then rapidly as life rushes at us.
But I recall my beloved, the boy of my youth- ful days of folly.
Destiny, unite us! We had mere days to know we were meant to be joined— always.
My sincerest apologies for any offense this may have generated.
I know what this is about so from my perspective that helps. You know how I feel about your poetry. It comes straight from the heart, and anyone that gets you knows that that is where the poems goes as well, to ones heart.
I am a bit confused about the varying stanza lengths and prefer to keep it consistent at four until the last one perhaps can go to two. I do love the way you have kept your sentences condensed and consistent in number of words and syllable count, so well done there.
Tori, your last two lines were like taking a rubber stamp and impaling your poem in a package sent C.O.D. to the recipient. Sometimes, it is just "Over" but the memory of what was keeps this on 'life support.' I am going to remember those last two lines:
"Perhaps we are connected by the memory alone." (by Tori)
These are powerful words. How many avenues can you take because you said the word 'Perhaps'===== the number of scenarios causes anxiety, and I would eventually want closure, but that is easier said than done.
My first true love, I was engaged to twice. I could not say no, and I was habitually in love, even though I knew it would not work. She had the courage to put an end to it, and I thank her for that, for I now have what I believe God intended, despite some of the enormous challenges now and ahead of me (us)
The title, Destiny, is appropriate, and provokes copious thought. Interesing how in your question that is the last work, followed by a question mark. Could the title instead be "Destiny?"
Can our Destiny change? Can it be saved? Is is right? Is it wrong? Is it God's Will? If so, must we follow it no matter what? The ? are endless here.
You are superb, splendid, moving words that leave it's mark. Congrats.
Again, L1 can be scrapped as it adds nothing to the poem S3 eliminate “A day, a month, years the” Start it with “time” and let the reader’s imagination fill in the rest S4 “But I recall my Beloved, the boy Of my youthful days Of folly” S5L2 “wild and wily” quite appropriate I think S6 “you alchemist you”? Time? Destiny? S7 depending upon to what the comment before referred, I would take “Destiny” out of this stanza to put it before “you alchemist, you” S8 I like this, it is quite poignant
I had always heard of your immense poetry prowess Yet I had never before gotten the chance To read one so beautifully penned Challenging the Destiny To unite two souls be meant.
to bring ourselves together, you alone, alchemist. You alone, really interfere.
Again, rude; I don't know if you appreciate re-writing. I only think that each thought (by itself) should be in 2 lines, a stanza, or separated somehow. (I usually only do free verse.)
This is a wonderful read; to really get the full gist, a second read is necessary. But it's great, anyway! Thank you for sharing!