Will you comment on an edited older poem entitled Destiny?

Please forgive these observations. They may sound harsh but NO ill will is EVER intended. You are a fine poet and I have the utmost respect for your writing. I have, however, always found free verse to be perplexing and often wonder why various authors break lines in the oddest places.

I, too, had a great deal of trouble with S6, primarily, I think, because of a missing word. In order for it to make sense to me (maybe only to me), this is how I would have preferred it to be:

Each time we try

to bring ourselves together,

you alchemist you,

you interfere.

And now that I've incurred your wrath for daring to suggest any change at all, I may as well plunge blindly ahead with alternate versions of stanzas 3, 4, and 7 as well.

A day, a month, a year.

Time passes slow

then rapidly

as life rushes at us.

But I recall my beloved,

the boy of my youth-

ful days of folly.

Destiny, unite us!

We had mere days to know

we were meant to be joined—

always.

My sincerest apologies for any offense this may have generated.

Tori

I know what this is about so from my perspective that helps. You know how I feel about your poetry. It comes straight from the heart, and anyone that gets you knows that that is where the poems goes as well, to ones heart.

I am a bit confused about the varying stanza lengths and prefer to keep it consistent at four until the last one perhaps can go to two. I do love the way you have kept your sentences condensed and consistent in number of words and syllable count, so well done there.

Tori, your last two lines were like taking a rubber stamp and impaling your poem in a package sent C.O.D. to the recipient. Sometimes, it is just "Over" but the memory of what was keeps this on 'life support.' I am going to remember those last two lines:

"Perhaps we are connected

by the memory alone."

(by Tori)

These are powerful words. How many avenues can you take because you said the word 'Perhaps'===== the number of scenarios causes anxiety, and I would eventually want closure, but that is easier said than done.

My first true love, I was engaged to twice. I could not say no, and I was habitually in love, even though I knew it would not work. She had the courage to put an end to it, and I thank her for that, for I now have what I believe God intended, despite some of the enormous challenges now and ahead of me (us)

The title, Destiny, is appropriate, and provokes copious thought. Interesing how in your question that is the last work, followed by a question mark. Could the title instead be "Destiny?"

Can our Destiny change? Can it be saved? Is is right? Is it wrong? Is it God's Will? If so, must we follow it no matter what? The ? are endless here.

You are superb, splendid, moving words that leave it's mark. Congrats.

God Bless you sister

Again, L1 can be scrapped as it adds nothing to the poem

S3 eliminate “A day, a month, years the” Start it with “time” and let the reader’s imagination fill in the rest

S4 “But I recall my

Beloved, the boy

Of my youthful days

Of folly”

S5L2 “wild and wily” quite appropriate I think

S6 “you alchemist you”? Time? Destiny?

S7 depending upon to what the comment before referred, I would take “Destiny” out of this stanza to put it before “you alchemist, you”

S8 I like this, it is quite poignant

I had always heard of your immense poetry prowess

Yet I had never before gotten the chance

To read one so beautifully penned

Challenging the Destiny

To unite two souls be meant.

Thoroughly enjoyable poem

Very STAR TREK! Sorry, that was very rude of me.

S6, L2 though L4, I might change to this:

to bring ourselves together,

you alone, alchemist.

You alone, really interfere.

Again, rude; I don't know if you appreciate re-writing. I only think that each thought (by itself) should be in 2 lines, a stanza, or separated somehow. (I usually only do free verse.)

This is a wonderful read; to really get the full gist, a second read is necessary. But it's great, anyway! Thank you for sharing!

Truly,I loved this poem.But I would like to alter L1 of S3 a bit.Why don't you change it to days,months and years?

Its a nice simple poem.It tastes like cheese macaroni lol I don't know why.Awesome!thanks.

I really enjoyed S4,S5,S6 and S8.

Destiny is totally divine

There's nothing wrong or right

There's no reasons to clarify

I 've often wonder why

Smile to myself and said

How stupid am I

For the answer is already in my mind

Your poem is many things. I hear a lament and I also hear a story being told.

I like the general pace and directions the poem takes. It picks me up and carries me along and I hear the feelings of loss that I think you are trying to express.

My first marriage ended in divorce after fifteen years. I think we both tried to keep it together and fix what was wrong that we were doing, but somehow it just never came back to what it had been and what we wanted it to be. In the final years she became hostile and tried to just use me. I had to concede defeat. There was nothing more I could do except try to make decisions that would keep us safe.

In the end, I believe, God expects us to do all we can to preserve the gifts He has given us. But my greatest gift was my life and what I could do with it. And my son from that marriage. God has never failed to bless me. I know God will not fail you.

Take care of yourself, my beloved friend and sister. And trust Him.

Warren

Tori !!!

I like the line "Perhaps we are connected by the memory alone". You have filled the truth of world. Memories always connect us with our past life. Thanks for sharing . I deeply love your poems. They really make impact on our emotions.

How often we're so "caught up" in now to

appreciated it's full meaning.

Only in reflecting, do we take the empty

canvas in hand and render a painting.

Life is the past, be it a minute or decade ago.

Beautiful poem, Tori.