How do I get my daughter to understand that NO MEANS NO?

Question

We're going through a difficult phase with my 4 and a half year old daughter. She has always been extremely independent and strong willed, and I've had to learn that consistency is key. If I say something I HAVE to follow through with it. No definitely means No in this house. 

But lately I'm having to repeat myself over and over and over and over. Here's an example of a typical conversation in our house, that happens dozens of times through the day (exhausting me in the process)...

Mommy, can I have dessert after dinner?
No, hunny. We're not having dessert tonight.
Why? 
Because you've had enough to eat, and it's not healthy to eat dessert every night.
But Mommy, please?! Just a little dessert?
No.
Mommy please, please? Dessert dessert dessert dessert (and on and on and on)
I said NO, don't ask me again. 
But MOMMY! 
That's enough!
I WANT DESSERT NOW!

And so on. I admit I'm getting fed up and exhausted and I'm raising my voice more than I'd like. I'm just so exasperated. I'm sure some of it is adjusting to new routines - about 2 months ago we moved from the house she has lived in her whole life, to a new country, and we're living with my parents right now. My husband had to stay behind (and is thankfully arriving this week) so I've noticed her acting up a lot more without him. And I'm a lot more frazzled without his help.

I understand that missing her daddy and adjusting to a whole new life is difficult, but that doesn't mean that I start giving in to her every demand. I love my daughter more than anything in the world, and I hate fighting with her, but I also love her enough that I don't want her to turn into a spoiled brat who always gets what she wants. For the other mom's out there, how would you handle this? How can I get my daughter to understand that Mommy's word is final?

? · Accepted Answer

I'd say that you are being consistent and doing things right.

There is just one technique that I would suggest and that is to say, to her question about dessert "Yes, we're having fruit tonight, would you like an apple?"  Try not to say No very often, if you can.  It is hard for kids to rebel when you've said "Yes"

When you start doing this, you'll find that by saying "Yes" you eliminate a lot of your problems ..... when she asks "Can I play outside", instead of saying "No, because you left all your toys out", you now say "Yes, you can, as soon as your toys are tidy".

I also found by saying "Let me think about it" gave me some time to decide whether the answer should be yes or no, because in our house once I have said no, I don't change my mind.  So my technique was this, I'd say "Let me think about that" and I told them not to ask again because right now its a maybe, but if they ask again it will change to a definite "No".  Doing this gave me breathing space to come up with a correct answer for my children.

This will continue throughout your daughter's childhood and teens, so I found that saying "Yes" with conditions worked well - "Yes, you can use the car, but it needs to be washed before you use it", or "Yes, you can see your friends, but you can have them here for Pizza and a movie", or "Yes, you can go out, once all your chores are done", and "Yes, I'll give you a ride to your friend's place, but the dishwasher needs unloading while I take a shower" - can you see how to use Yes, rather than No all the time?

Meg · Answer

I teach preschool, and I hold my ground.  If I say no, I mean no. If they keep it up. I will sometimes just hold my hand up and say "I said NO. But, you may do X".  No you can't have dessert tonight, but you can help me make dinner tomorrow, or No you can't have that new toy, but lets go home and see what's in the toybox.  
If my kids argue with me, I say "It's yes Miss Meg, and you do as I ask" and repeat it until they say it. I can't argue with 12-15 preschoolers...that's all I would do all day!  There should be no back talk/arguing when you give an answer.  
I'm sure things are new and different and it will take some time.  Probably being with grandparents who may spoil her a bit is hard. 
My dad was gone a lot with his job, once for an entire year, but that is no excuse...especially today with skype, email, cellphones, etc.

Anonymous · Answer

Ignore her if she asks for dessert after you've said no. Completely. If she carries on nagging, take her by the hand, remove her from the room, go back in and shut the door. She's not a baby - she is old enough to be at school for goodness sake!

She wants attention. If nagging gets her _less_ attention, she'll stop.

Anonymous · Answer

aww good mommy!

you can do it like Cesar Milan, the TSCH! method. Never yell or raise your voice at the kid. Use Calm ASSERTIVE energy with body language TSCH! After all the scariest people & the people with the most respect are the people who almost never yell.

When a dog gets out of hand cesar makes them submit. I guess in your case you have to give her a time out. & you need to work on maintaining her energy by making sure she doesnt get too excited like yelling at her your excited energy will make her excited & out of control. Work on being intimidating.

? · Answer

Make up a lie about dessert like say that dessert has been poisoned

How do I get my daughter to understand that NO MEANS NO?

Related Questions

Trending Questions