This sonnet needs direction, but I can't see where to change it. Are you able to?
Lonely Love By Victoria Tarrani 201304.27
In the nether regions of yesterday The salt wind blow crystals of icy spray. I walk along the cliffs on the lea side Chilled to the marrow lengthening my stride
I remember the touch of bluish lips So cold they hurt as lust makes my heart flip In the down of the deep feathery bed Like lovers we celebrate we're not wed
You ask, I answer, too many times now Your wife, my husband behind secret's bough Pretend they don't know we'll always be one A soul split in half until day is done
My eyes close seeing beyond tomorrow The joy of living without the sorrow.
Happy Hiram2014-03-05T05:53:41Z
Favorite Answer
Oddly, the first seven lines are very good. Not wed strikes an odd tone which would be alright but it feels like you lost the thread. The later lines are vague, trite and awkward (not rhythmically, but semantically.) The couplet sounds like a suicide wish.
As this is your artistic expression, my comments are really only based on my interpretation of how i experience reality, and are not criticisms of the words you have chosen to express yours.
The first set of (4) lines are cohesive and work together to set the tone for the whole poem. The reader is pulled in and can easily relate to the mood and tone you are setting.
The second set contains elements that i feel grate against one another. It is hard to find the right way to use contrast to express a feeling without it diminishing the emotional impact of your intended purpose.
the harshness of "bluish lips, cold, hurt" ... those words don't really blend well with the comforting warmth of "the down of a deep feathery bed"
the word "like" is unnecessary in the last line of the second set. they aren't like lovers, they are lovers. The use of the word "celebrate" also comes too quick after the harsh chill of the previous lines.
These 3 themes i feel are too opposing to be used meaningfully in the space of 4 lines. Each of these themes could fit together cohesively if each were given a few more lines of expression and a natural feeling segue to connect them.
I don't know if i understand what you mean exactly in the third set. You say your affair is a secret form your respective spouses, but you follow that with implying they really do know and just pretending that they don't know the truth. Maybe if you used the idea of feigned ignorance to describe the action of everyone it would express better the bitterness and tragedy of the situation.
Those are just my opinions, only you can truly judge the accuracy of what you are trying to express. I freely admit I could be completely wrong. You have natural talent, hone your innate ability and you will be a true artist.
I do see that lips and flip do not rime. Also, how about the woman (I believe you are describing what a woman thinks) has killed the man herself by accident (a joy without the sorrow (if sorrow means grief)). And she thinks about a life without the sorrow of having killed the man, and can live on without him, maybe finding true love (A new soul finds my heart, etc.).