do you have to be necessarily depressed to say that you hate your life / want to kill yourself / diagnosis?
i have been seeing psychologists for about 2 and a half years, psychiatrists as well which i was prescribed various medications as a trial and error process in possibly helping with whatever it is that has affected me my whole life, only to find that medication failed, one reason was that i didnt take them that long to see if slowly i would possibly get "Better", but half the reason, i would say 100 percent for one of the drugs is the side effects, when i took vyvanse which supposedly is treated for adhd and to show if i had it or not, it made me feel high for the first hour or so, though i didnt realize that i was high off the medicine at this moment, i even told my mom that moment i took it that i think this is the right medication since it gave an immediate reaction, and i told her that im gonna have a good life probably if i keep taking this, then after a few hours, i started getting depressed, anxious, appetite problems, the next day my mom said to take the drug again which i didnt want to because i really didnt feel good, but i went ahead and took the drug again being all weak and i couldnt eat really, i developed a shake where, kind of the feeling you get when you are about to throw up, i forcefully went to the bathroom and threw up a little, did the same thing a few more times that day, i was basically sick a few days and constipated, i felt like crap, never took vyvanse again. i took ritalin for a few days, it was like a mild version of vyvanse, did not help one bit either. i did not want to stay on ritalin, although the side effects were not as bad as vyvanse, it still made me feel bad in many ways, i took welbutrin for about a month, side effects were very little the first few days, then not noticable later on, the drug didnt help me at all though and i didnt want to stay on the anti depressant. i took some other drugs but for very little and i feel like mentioning them wouldnt necessarily help with my situation.
i mentioned in the question that, would someone have to be depressed to be suicidal / hate life or their life, i wanted to see what other people think of this. apparently, all my psychologists have mentioned that i do have some "form" of depression, though they dont specify WHY, and the whole labeling thing is bugging me, not necessarily because of finding the right "label", but because of so many different diagnoses, it kind of pisses me off, why the diagnosis would be so broad, i havent been diagnosed with all of which but all of my psychologists kind of agree with me that i fit them, ( of course, they are psychologists so, they do have to be reasonable with their patients, and i feel like im very reasonable with them in measurements ). but at the same time, i feel like they are just ignoring FACTS, and just dont want to get in more depth, they talk more on general therapy / changing myself, and saying typical stereotypical things that any psychologist would say, like do you have problems with paying attention, do you lose things, stuff like that. my answer as always is, well yeh ( in a sarcastic tone ), everyone does, do you want me to tell you that i have almost every trait from almost every mental disorder too? then what? so i can hear you say the same thing over and over that i would hear from anyone that never helps?
anyways, i thought i put that a few traits about myself, maybe someone highly intelligent, if not highly intelligent, highly courteous / understanding / and putting effort in giving a detailed answer for me, can possibly relate to me ( i know its hard, since not every person in the world is like me, i would say less than 40 percent, if i have one - two commorbid conditions, if i have more than two commorbid conditions ( personality flaws / type counting as one ), then i would put it as less than 10 percent i suppose, enough of these numbers, here is some specs about me lol -
. sees himself falling under adhd criteria ( more than 75 percent of the traits and problems, yet adhd medications failed, and brain scans ( the brain scans is basing off the chemical imbalance / brain abnormality theory ), after getting an MRI, PET, and EEG brain scan, all of which came back normal.
. sees himself falling under sluggish cognitive tempo (, more than 75 percent, though, russel barkley said people with sct tend to be more behaved than people with adhd ( distinction ), but im actually a pretty defiant and aggressive person, i complain a lot, very defensive ( though i think this goes also with what im gonna say below ).
. im neurotic, i suffer from neurosis ( at least, more than 90 percent of the traits i exhibit ).
. perfectionist type
. self centered
. defensive
. envious
. jealous
. lethargic
. angry
. schizoid isolation
. avoidant / social phobia
. pessimistic
. low sense of self worth
. low self esteem
. low confidence
. no motivation ( like i ever had motivation for anything lol )
telling my mom that from now on, when i see psychologsists or therapists, im not gonna change myself because they told me to ( i never did ) , i will be honest with everything and not care if im rude, i will tell them that i dont give a **** about life, i will tell them off if i want to, i will tell them that i wont change, if they say that you should practice skills or control your anger or reaction, i will tell them, il do whatever the **** i want. got that? will i take medication, its probably the closest thing i would do because it doesnt require much action, other than putting the pill on your tongue, and swallowing it with water, but which one would i take?
i recently got prescribed zoloft, well, the obvious i hear is weight gain from anti depressants, hmmm, well if i were to take medication, i dont want to get worse, but unfortunately, i have no choice. plus, if i commit suicide one day or kill people without the medication, then they will say, its because he didnt take his medication LOLLLLLLL, what if i take my medication for the rest of the life and i still end up the same way? what are you gonna say about that? i needed a stronger dose lol? i need a different medicine? what? anti psychotic? what if that doesnt work? hmmm, psychiatry does have a million other drugs, i think after i experimented with the 300th one, i would have already killed myself or killed others....
kay, im 21 years old.
and i have been taking multivitamins / vitamin d supplements as well for the last year or so, about 2000mg, or 500 percent daily value, i also took st johns wort in the past and 5 htp on and off for a few months here and there but i stopped both these two so i can be prepared to take something else possibly that recalls me to not take anything else, i still take the multivitamins and vitamin d, like i said, no matter what is affecting me, i want to make it clear that i dont want to do anything major in my life, almost anything would be my choice, and other things if i do it out of my way, it would be very passively and subconsciously. if i exercise one day, its only because i just do it randomly ( with my brother of course, since i almost never go anywhere by myself )
same with going to parties / socializing, stuff like that, it would only be if im part of a group or go with someone else that takes me to the place ( if someone has to drive ), which is another issue i have is driving, its difficult enough for me to drive a car by myself due to my clumsiness nature / self consciousness and inability to filter out irrelavant things, if i have someone in the passenger's seat, it makes my brain foggy because i cant filter out the person's presence, i cant have a happy face while doing something else, yet alone in general. i remember my brother immitated my facial expressions after i dropped him off somewhere, i felt really bad afterwards and the whole time. he just doesnt understand that my serious look / sad look is because its a coping mechanism, same when i confront people or go out in public, i have to keep a firm / serious face always because i have to, and its uncomfortable and difficult.
i also dont think diagnosis will affect anything anymore, the doctors can say i have adhd, they can say i have depression, they can say i have anxiety problems, they can say i have a personality disorder, it wont fix the fact that regardless of what i am, it would require me to follow a therapy plan which i will never do...and put effort in things, how can i put effort and improve when i never did this my whole life, i never had motivation for anything, never had persistence, never had confidence, never had a clear self image, i really thought i would be like those people who just took pills like adderall and got on with their lives like a miracle drug.
but that will never happen for me, i guess its not a lack of motivation, or any of these things, its not like im trying to build a rocket ship where im hindered by the adhd, its not where i cant hold a job because of my adhd, its not where im impulsive because of my adhd, all of these traits and problems i have are based on my neurogenetic makeup ( as explained my russel barkley ), i dont want to say this but you cant change the stupid, sad, but true, not necessarily saying im stupid, but im not above average either, im barely average and can only do barely average things, but the lower the iq, the more depressed you are.
they say that depression / anger is caused when your not performing to your max capability, well even if i do perform to my capability, does that mean i wont be depressed / sad / angry? i can have the best life in the world, all the money and what not but still hate my life and who i am. people, its iq, everything is iq, evolution is iq, science says we are becoming more neurotic, its not we, its the older generations that are neurotic, and its sad, but i believe im one of them, people like us will die off sooner and sooner.