anyone suffering from schizoid personality disorder or know anyone with it? / need assurance / help?
i seem to fit the criteria, but based off what i read on forums of people apparently diagnosed with it or say they have it, i dont seem to have most of the traits people explain. for instance, they say that they dont really have a problem with interacting with others, they simply dont like to. but for me, i dont understand how its possible for people to not engage with others ( humans ) and still be happy / have a balanced life. its as if these people are robots. i for one, have been living in solitude for the past 2 1/2 years or so, age 21 now, barely going out, when i do, its only when im already part of a group and things have already been flowing smoothly beforehand which would also affect my mood, generally im cautious, observant, and passive, and bland i guess. like when i go to parties, with of course, my brother that takes me to them as i almost never went to any by myself, i would just follow him everywhere. when confronting people that i know from saying hi occasionally before, i usually wait for the other person to get full eye contact and attention to me and then i approach the other person to say hi, this is if i decide to approach them, when they are approaching me, its difficult for me to function right. like i will either completely walk past someone that would say hi to my brother, or i would stand there and then give a hug / weak smirk / handshake, this is a problem for both girls and guys. im a guy btw, if its a girl, i feel awkward,
but if its a guy, il feel kind of the same too. im straight btw. sometimes when people approach me, i get confused, and react slowly, usually from being self conscious really or my brain fogging up, or its just simply awkward. like they will say something, i wont take in the information all the way and try to remember and process what they say within that time frame and give an answer but its difficult.
one of the theories i read on one site is this person said that people with true schizoid personality disorder crave excitement, and i can relate to this very well, but this is more so when i was younger, early teens to late teens, this is when you could say i wasnt "depressed", or the "Depression" wasnt noticable, implying that i had depression my whole life or maybe its something else, anyways, one of things that would get my really excited is when my brother's best friend from the city i used
to live in or we used to live in would come to the one we moved to and thats when i would get super happy and feel like we were the cool kids of the city and i liked getting that attention of people seeing us, i would always picture him, my bro, and his friends coming to my school and raising commotion, simply for the thrill and excitement and seeing people's faces on the sides like "who are these people", never seen anyone like them in a curious way.
all of this has changed though, i dont know if its the environment, my personality formed or other things but even if these happy situations were to come, i wouldnt react or feel the same way, and i dont think its necessarily from "depression" but other factors. i guess its my personality, back then, i was simply living in the moment and didnt need to worry / understand anything else, because either i didnt understand them or they werent important, but now, it just doesnt feel like that..
there was one thing i did have trouble with since i was like 10 or so, which was eye contact and social awkwardness, i remember i would put my head down on the desk in middle school years, high school, and i still do it a little now too, not because i was tired really, but because i felt uncomfortable in the environment, out of place, awkward. espicially when i had to sit adjacent to people in a classroom / a table, sometimes i would also turn to the side and stare at other people as well.