My mom and maid of honor cannot be in the same room!?
I'm beginning to start planning a wedding and I don't even know where to begin. They have a lot of personal drama that I couldn't even begin to explain. Bottom line, I will need to choose one over the other. I went to both of them separately and talked with them about this. When I asked my best friend she said that it would break her heart to not be there but that she completely understood if I didn't have her there. When I asked if she would be able to be there with my mom she said that she wouldn't talk to her but didn't know how my mom would handle the situation and was more concerned about my mom. She was more concerned about causing drama on my special day than her own personal pain. When I asked my mom, she became irate and couldn't believe that I have her as my maid of honor! She told me she was disappointed in me and didn't understand how I could have someone as my maid of honor that didn't like her. I asked her if she would be able to be in the same room and if she was willing to be civil and she flat out told me, "No"! She was not in the slightest willing to honor my request of not even talking to her! She told me that she would not be able to not start drama! She's not supportive at all and can't even be nice for one day! I'm not close to my mom at all but she thinks we are so close. I know she will be heart broken over this and I feel terrible that I would choose my friend over my mother. Are there any solutions to this madness?
Antst2015-01-15T15:29:40Z
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I agree 100% with the others. You have simply got to learn to deal with your mother.
This is your wedding and your mother is making it about her. If you allow her to continue doing this, you are going to end up stressed and your friend will be sad. Also, your friend may end up feeling resentful that your mother is being allowed to control you and this may lead to your friend becoming distanced from you. The same thing could happen with other friends and family members in the future... For example, what happens if your mother takes a dislike to your husband? If you don't stand up to her, people will be driven away from you.
You need to tell your mother briefly (so the message gets through) and clearly:
"You have told me that you can't promise to treat everyone with respect and to behave like a mature adult at my wedding. This is making me very stressed. It is also making my wedding day about you. I would love to have you at my wedding, but I can't have you ruin it. Until you can promise to behave like a mature adult who wants her daughter to have a great wedding day, I will need to cancel your invitation. I hope you will change your attitude, but if you refuse to, then that is your decision, 100% on you."
I would write this in a message. If you say it to her, the message may not get through. She can go back and re-read a written message.
Of course she will probably try to bully and shame you into changing your mind. Don't let her. Don't explain yourself further--the more you say, the more she'll have to argue with. Don't apologize. Simply say, "I've said my piece. Please re-read the message because I want you to be very clear on what I'm saying."
If she ends up heart-broken, then that will be very sad. But it will be her decision. The choice you have to make here is very clear: you can choose to allow your mother to ruin your wedding day for you, your friend, your fiance, and the other guests and to continue controlling you. Or you can choose not to allow one person to ruin things for everyone else. Also, if you can draw this boundary, it will pay off for the future. Your life will be very stressful and your relationship could be damaged if you don't learn to draw boundaries with her.
Look your mother is manipulating you and she is being immature. Sure the wedding is "usually" important to the parents, but it is ultimately about you and the groom that day. You should have the friend you want as your MOH, she has already told you that she will be civil on your wedding day. It seems to me your mother is the biggest issue and is trying to ruin your day before it even starts because she isn't getting her way. Talk to your father and siblings and tell them what your mother said and they can run buffer and or tell your mother it might be best if she didn't come if that's how she feels, but don't worry she will come, again she is manipulating you. Besides you said you were even that close with her.
Have your friend in the wedding because if you don't you will regret it. Odds are your mother won't start any drama at the actual ceremony and if she starts it at the reception, arrange ahead of time with either your father or someone else to take her out of there and send her home.
Tell your mother that you are now considering eloping and see what she says. If she asks why, tell her something like "well because of you I can't have the wedding I want because you are threating drama with my friend on my wedding day, not your wedding day, mine and ?, I don't want to be embarrassed by you so we might just elope" let her think that for a while and see if she comes around.
Tell your Mom that you eould love her to come but that she will have to be civil and not talk to your maid of honor.
If divorced parents that hate each other can make just pretend they don't know each other for a few hours - why can't they? Get a few trusted people to act as police who will conveniently come in between the two of them and keep them from interacting. Maybe you have a sister or an aunt that can keep her occupied all day?
Have your Mom enter the front of the church. You and the bridesmaids come in through the back. Keep them far away after the ceremony. Seat them far apart at the reception.
That must be terrible, a bride shouldn't be going through all this. Your mother seems childish and immature about this. It's her own daughter's wedding and she refuses to be in the same room as the maid of honor! Your mother should understand that it is her daughter's wedding. Talk to her first and talk to her about missing your wedding. Would a mother really do that? Tell her about how you feel. Friends will come and go but family is forever. Don't throw either of them in the sack and bring one with you. Your friend is understanding. In this case, you can have two at the wedding. Your mother can choose to leave or behave, it's her fault if she causes any trouble. Your family with always stay with you but your friends won't. Reason it out with your mother and talk to your friend about how your mother feels. The choice is completely up to you. Friends who never last, or family that will always stay. It may be hard, but both can attend, which makes it slightly easier. I wish you luck!
Personally it sounds like your mom is the more irate one and needs to go. Your friend showed sympathy and understanding which is way more valuable to me than a mother who has the attitude of a child. Not starting drama is the easiest thing. She said herself that she has no self control. If she would start stuff with your maid of honor there's no telling who she might get into it with next.