Is this why I'm so screwed up?

Question

I'm trying to figure out why I'm so screwed up when I came from parents who didn't divorce, had a large loving family with lots of siblings and I went to a Catholic school taught to do things the right way. Never had any huge tragedies and lived middle class.

When I was 6 I was  jealous when my mom had a baby. I was the 5th child of 7 and before that I was always the baby. In my childhood I was a huge tomboy and struggled to be friends with "girly girls" Later in life i realized my attraction to women. I hid it from everyone. I always felt awkward and gawky, while my older sisters were popular, tiny and  lots of friends. I hung around one best friend but she controlled everything but  was a super nice person who would do anything for me. I've always felt immature. Later I got married and I raised his kids after his wife died. Then we had kids of our own.  I divorced him after "coming out". He was  pretty controlling, but in the end he gave me what I wanted in our marriage I just hated when he got jealous.  Now I'm finishing raising my college kids with a woman that I married. I don't really love her-- I rushed into it and believed her when she said I would be happier being true to myself. I'm not even sure I'm a lesbian. We bicker constantly and  fight more than w my ex husband. She gets jealous all the time. I've pushed all my friends away. I miss my old life with my ex and feel I can't un-do it all even though he would take me. I think I was just all so very confused.

Barb Outhere · Accepted Answer

Seems like you spent your whole life trying to be what others might have wanted you to be, instead of taking some time to learn who you really were inside, and what you wanted from life, for yourself. You seem to be a people pleaser, and that has left you living a life that is not authentic to who you are deep inside which is why you don't feel truly happy or content, no matter what you do or who you are with. 
You cannot blame others for that, it tends to be something we do to ourselves, but its not too late to do so now. Take some time off from relationships, explore what it is that attracts you, excites you, holds your interest. See where you really what to go and who you really want to be with. Don't label yourself as being this or that until you get to know your authentic self. Then, I think, you will find some of that contentment you are craving. 
Good luck.

snack_daddy10 · Answer

"taught to do things the right way" hahahahaha....
If you think there is a right way, no wonder you are screwed up.

? · Answer

That is the way of relationships - when a new one develops that involves intimacy - the new partner is jealous of the old partner and tries to get you to break up with them.  By choosing her you were led to reject him.  And now that you are hitched to her you find that she led you to a false conclusion.  If I were you.  I think I would try to find God's will for your life.  He does give very good advice in His word  that will help you be at peace in your life.

BeatriceBatten · Answer

Try therapy.

♠ Merlin ♠ · Answer

It sounds as though you are still very confused

Have you ever tried being alone? With no partner living with you?
it may give you the time and space to figure out what you really want from life

Is this why I'm so screwed up?

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